'AITA for being upset my husband expected something planned for him for Father's Day?' UPDATED
"AITA for getting upset that my husband expected something planned for him for Father's Day?"
BeautifulLiterature
My husband told me a couple months ago that he really wanted to start journaling to write down memories of our kids (3yo and 2yo) and give it to them one day.
Thinking this would make a nice Father's Day gift, I spent a long time sourcing out nice journals which I had customized engravings done on the front "Dear (name of child)... Letters to my son". It took weeks to come and when it did arrive I was very excited.
I told my husband that his Father's Day gift arrived and he wanted to open it. I told him that if he did, then he wouldn't have anything to open on Father's Day. But he was too excited, so he opened it. He said it was great, but then I noticed he shoved it to the back of the cupboard, out of sight and never used it. This was a couple of weeks back.
I thought it'd be a shame to not have any gifts on Father's Day itself so I took our oldest son to a pottery craft studio for him to choose and paint something for his dad.
He just came back a couple of days ago from a week long international holiday, all expense paid for by his company. An incentive trip - all play, no work. His work trip ended after 4 days but he chose to extend to "visit his sick aunt" (but then the aunt came to visit and isn't in that country anymore).
While he was holidaying, I was working and taking care of both my kids without any help. It was rough because our kids still don't sleep through the night. Needless to say, I'm exhausted.
He asked me what the plans was for Sunday, and I said, "what do you mean?" And he replied "Father's Day". I said "I didn't plan anything, I mean I got you a gift."
"I like writing but I don't like "writing" I like to type"
"Well so what do you want then?"
He kinda said "oh nothing".
We were at dinner and I questioned him "what do you want? Do you want to sleep in or something? You've literally just come back from a holiday".
It gets tense and he says he doesn't want to talk about it. I still questioned "why? Why don't you just tell me what you were expecting".
He got up without a word and paid the bill. It was tense and he was angry. When we got back to the car he was ignoring me. I say "I don't understand why you're mad at me. I've done nothing wrong".
He says I'm trying to pick a fight with him. That there's no point in talking.
I say but the point of what I'm trying to say is that I'm hurt that I spent a lot of time and effort trying to find a Father's Day gift that I thought was meaningful and you'd like"
And he shouts that he doesn't like it at all.
At this point I left the car. We are not talking. AITA for not making plans for Father's Day?
Edit to add: we've never made big plans for Father's Day or Mother's Day before. We don't have help, so we don't get a chance to go out together often - mainly on our anniversary. So, in the past, we've only gotten small gifts for each other and maybe a sleep in.
I need to clarify with the aunt thing. His aunt has cancer so he booked to extend the trip to visit her. But she's terminal now so she recently came to visit us and his family. She's living with her family in our Country and no longer in the holiday destination.
He stayed the extra days because the tickets were non refundable. I did not elaborate because it's not an issue, I just wanted to highlight that he's had a kid free week and I didn't make a fuss that he had an extra 3 days to himself that he didn't have to since he's already seen the aunt. He's definitely not cheating.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Cannabis_CatSlave
Fathers day in my family was a crappily made breakfast by the kids and a stupid gift he most likely would never use.
Though I was touched to find out later in my life that my dad like one of my art project fathers day gifts so much he took it to his workplace and displayed it for decades. Literally broke down crying when I found that out. It had disappeared shortly after I gave it to him and I thought it was thrown away.
ArmChairDetective84
When I cleaned out my parents house I found some trinkets I had made my dad as a child on his dresser and nightstand 😭
Forsaken_Bed5338
Wow the detail that what husband got op last Mother’s Day was some flowers and a bagel is really eye opening. It genuinely sounds like the first time husband communicated expectations was the night before, seconds before getting angry that his expectations weren’t already met.
No “oh, I’d like to go out for brunch actually” no “let’s start doing more for mother/Father’s Day this year” literally step one is “What are you doing for me? Nothing? Wow…..” I have to go with a solid NTA on op here, and a HUGE YTA for husband. Grow up and use your words!!!
Madmaxx_137
Know what I got for Father’s Day? A card from each kid, a bottle of craft beer and to watch the kids all day by myself because my wife had to work. Being a Dad isn’t about getting a big celebration or gifts and if that’s all Father’s Day means to him then he’s a big f*&%in whiner who is missing the point. NTA
umpolkadots
NTA, it sounds like something else is going on with him, honestly, and he is trying to get you to be the bad guy.
(Also…He could type and print and paste, using the journal like a scrapbook, so, not your fault he isn’t resourceful)
Steve3124
This isn’t about Father’s Day. I don’t know what it’s about. It could be a lot of things. The only thing I know is that it’s not about Father’s Day.
Corfiz74
Tell him his Father's Day gift is that you covered childcare while he was on holiday. Tell him as your Mother's Day gift, you are planning a week away and are excited to see how he will cope on his own. 🙄
Edit: I'd also ask him what he was doing while pretending to visit his aunt.
3 months later OP posted this: "Husband (38M) thinks I'm (33F) trying to destroy his career."
I recently found out that my husband has been going to the gym with a female colleague (28F) once a week for more than a year without telling me. He left a work chat open and I read through some texts - we have an open phone policy but we generally don't go through each other's phone. He's never mentioned her name except recently because there are plans for her to join his team.
When I confronted him he said it was because 2 years ago I had just given birth, I was going through a lot of stress I was very isolated with 2 young children so I snapped at him one day when he told me he had gone to the gym with another work colleague that I didn't want to hear about him going to the gym with attractive women.
The context of which was that I was feeling very isolated and depressed at home and frustrated that he had a very successful and vibrant life in comparison. Since then things have improved immensely when the children got older, and I got back to work and had a better balance. We were in a good place in our marriage.
He also said that he purposely chose not to tell me because he didn't want to deal with any follow up questioning or any "s*%t" from me about it. Questions like "is there anything going on between you two?"
Mind you we have never fought about women before and I dont feel jealous about him towards other women. While I do have self esteem issues, I more look for reassurance from him that he loves me, rather than looking into his relationships with other women.
Therefore it baffles me why he would hide this if it was truly 'platonic'.
We did have an argument about it, but it blew over in a couple of days and it hasn't been mentioned for about 2 months.
Then recently we had an argument about a separate issue and he said "I can talk to whoever I want to and I don't have to tell you". This was in relation to us fighting about an issue over a quote. He claims it was specifically about getting quotes, but I can't get it out of my head and it's obviously made a lot of trust issues sprout out of it.
One of it is that it made the above issue feel a lot more purposeful and premeditated than I had felt at the time.
Things escalated and I ended up breaking up with him and he moved out.
After a week he's come back asking for us to try again. He insists he hasn't done anything wrong but understands why I'm having an issue trusting him. I told him for me to even consider working on things with us, I need to talk to this female colleague. I want to confirm that things were truly platonic as he said.
He got mad saying it would ruin his reputation at work and make him a laughing stock. And flat out refused. He feels frustrated that I'm asking him to put his reputation on the line when he "has done absolutely nothing wrong".
Am I unreasonable for asking? I'm not sure how else to move forward. Any advice on what I should do? Obviously my ideal is that we are together and he's respectful and we are good. But I don't see us being good if I don't trust him.
Here's what people had to say about this post:
Winter-Travel5749 writes:
Looking over your post history it seems that you and your husband have struggled to communicate over the simplest things that concern you for the past 4 years.
There is a deeper issue here and it may benefit you to consider some sort of couples therapy to help you both communicate your needs better, if that is an option for you. Just in general it appears that his work comes first and you feel unheard by him. I understand your frustration.
Winter-Travel5749 says:
Looking over your post history it seems that you and your husband have struggled to communicate over the simplest things that concern you for the past 4 years.
There is a deeper issue here and it may benefit you to consider some sort of couples therapy to help you both communicate your needs better, if that is an option for you. Just in general it appears that his work comes first and you feel unheard by him. I understand your frustration.
[deleted] says:
Whew!! Work acquaintance + gym and that attitude of his about it is exactly how things went down when my ex cheated. I’ll be honest, should have split up then. But if you want to stay together, it’s time for radical honesty with each other and marriage counseling