A woman posted a story on Reddit, a dramatic high-stakes feud between friends, and Reddit was more than happy to take a side. You decide who the a-hole is...
AITA (Am I the A-hole) for cancelling a check of $12,000 that I wrote for my infertile friend for her next IVF cycle over a joke?
I (F35) am infertile. My ex husband and I tried everything to have kids but it just never happened. He divorced me, went and married someone younger who was able to give him a kid and from what I gather, they're expecting a 2nd child together. It hurts like hell seeing someone else have what I couldn't.
I get frustrated with myself sometimes and with family blaming me for basically everything. I turn to my friends for support, especially 'Alessia', she's in the same 'infertility boat' as me but she and her husband are currently trying IVF hoping it'd work.
Alessia asked me for help to pay for her upcoming IVF cycle. I agreed to write her a check of $12,000, I really wanted to help her and the money came with no strings attached. I wrote the check and gave it to her last week. She was very appreciative of it.
The very next day, I got a sudden message from a mutual friend 'Carol' with a screenshot of the conversation she had with Alessia. Turns out she and Alessia were talking about the next IVF cycle, and Alessia said she hoped the cycle would work because 'she didn't wanna end up divorced, and having her husband go marry someone younger and have a baby with them and another one on the way! While she's alone and without a family at 35! (She's 32).
I was stunned and...hurt, I knew she meant me here. But I did not confront her I simply contacted my bank and cancelled the check. In the evening, Alessia called to ask why I cancelled the check and I told her. She went batshit saying she didn't mean it that way and that she thought that this was somewhat an 'inside joke' between 'desperate infertile women'.
She came over with her husband the next day begging I write another check but I refused. An argument ensued and her husband thought I wasn't being supportive of her like when she supported me throughtout my struggles. She left crying and we haven't talked since then.
Her husband keeps reminding me (while repeatedly calling Carol a toxic snake) of the date of the next cycle saying they can't have it after I took the money that was supposed to pay for it back!
Some friends thinks I'm being oversensitive. Carol's on my side telling me to tell them to go to hell but I feel so bad about it. What I've done might just damage our 15 years of friendship. Maybe I shouldn't have cancelled it but I just felt so offended by what she said about me and how she basically mocked my unfortunate circumstances. Do reddit, AITA?
Reddit pulled no punches and ruled a very angry NTA (not the a-hole).
NTA. It was a cruel thing to do of her. Especially after you are being so gracious towards them. Btw, just a reminder, your worth is not connected to your ability to bear children <3
Husband is not too bright. Carol is the solid friend and Alyssa is the toxic snake. Imagine the gall and general aholey-ness of talking shit about anything behind your friends back who just GIFTED YOU 12k to make your dreams come true. Now take it further and imagine the gall of that shit talking being cruel jabs and mocking her about her shattered dreams...the dreams she's literally gifting you the chance to have. WHAT?!?!?!
The ONLY things that should be coming out of that witch's mouth would be praise sung about op and what a saint she is. This friendship would be dead and permanently over to me and fuck that husband sending dates and trying to pressure op into giving back the money. NTA.
$12000 is a very valuable lesson to learn that you don't shit on your friends. OP- NTA. take that $12k and go on a long, expensive, luxurious vacation and go have fun.
And also, it’s not an “inside joke” with you if you’re not part of the conversation, and when she’s very clearly not in the same circumstances as you. NTA.
I feel like the friend used her trauma to guilttrip her into giving her money in the first place, it's not a normal thing to do for someone. The friend knew she had an emotional connection to the specific issue and used that to get the money I think.
Wow thank you so so much for all this support and compassion that you've shown me. I could feel it through my screen (LOL) I have decided I'm going to put some distance between me and Alessia. Things have been rough lately and I think that distance is what I need right now especially for my mental health.
After reading some comments here I now feel less heavy and more relieved. Doesn't change the fact that I'm still feel completely and utterly shocked by Alessia's behavior. It's a shame having to come to the realization that even those who are supportive of you the most, could cause as much harm.
Oh and by the way, I sent Carol a link for this thread to see what her thoughts were and she just laughed. She was kind of angry I used her real name but relieved that I used a throwaway LOL.