Such a situation befell a young man who had been doing the financial heavy lifting for years. So, he came to Reddit's popular 'Am I the A-hole' forum to ask if he's crazy or not.
I (M29) have lived together with my girlfriend (F29) for three years. We have always split bills and rent proportional to income (she introduced this idea and explained why she supports its equitable breakdown), and we both do chores and housework equally.
Up until a month ago, I earned almost double her income. However, my company has been doing pay cuts and my girlfriend recently got a major promotion, so now she makes about 50% more than I do.
However, now she wants us to “either keep the rent/bills pay distribution as it was before” (as in she pays 35% and I pay 65%) or she “will pay 50/50, max.”
I asked her why we are not doing proportional splits anymore and she said I should just be grateful that she is flexible enough to upend her finances for me and split it 50/50.
She’s been cold with me recently and told me she shouldn’t have to punish herself for her financial successes and that my “lack of adaptability is off putting.”
Am I the a-hole?
Here are the top comments...
So it’s appropriate to pay proportional when you make more than she does, but 50/50 when she makes more than you? Yeah. No. That doesn’t work. NTA.
It would be different if you had voluntarily quit your job or voluntarily reduced your hours. If this is her story and she's sticking to it, she's been taking advantage of you this entire time, OP. Sorry you're in this situation.
Classic example of 'equality only when it benefits you.'
NTA, personally I’d sit down w her and have a convo about why she feels this way. Realistically she might be a bit off put at having to so drastically change her expenses / go from paying 35% to 65%, which is essentially a reversal.
This might take time and be a bit of a shock as it’s not what she’s used to. I don't know her so obviously I can’t really speak on her character or yours, but at least she’s willing to go 50/50 rn, if she wasn’t I’d be a bit more concerned.
“at least she’s willing to go 50/50 rn” How is that an “at least?” She’s not doing me any favors by suddenly changing our system to be 50/50 which clearly favors her since she’s making more now. I don’t understand how she’s switching up on me like this and acting like I’m crazy for literally honoring the deal she proposed.
Because it shows that she’s willing to make a substantial change immediately & step up her contribution. She’s not expecting you to just carry the cost of the apartment, but you have to realize that asking someone to fork over double what they normally pay is a big change that might need some adjustments. That’s why I suggest a discussion, mention how you feel and see what her hesitations are.
My expectations are only a result of the equitable system she was a staunch proponent of until it meant she wasn’t the one benefiting from it anymore.
I'm sorry but I'd break up and move out after she says this. I don't even think I'd bring it up in a discussion with her. She's so manipulative and I don't think I'd want to share anything not rent or even a life together with her because she'd just take and taaakkeeee! Imagine her telling him he should be grateful! I'm fuming!
The agreed method of splitting the bills stays the agreed method. The (soon to be ex?) girlfriend can’t change this so that it’s always beneficial to her. If I was OP, I’d say ‘so you’re sure that you now want to split 50/50? Yes? So it’s only fair that we back date this new arrangement to when we started living together. Here’s your bill for the last 3 years. Now f*ck off.’
Is OP overreacting to a fixable problem, or is his girlfriend's sudden change of heart a huge red flag?