'AITA for revoking my daughter's college fund?' UPDATED

"AITA for revoking my daughter's college fund?"

I know it sounds bad but please hear me out. When my wife and I divorced, my daughter (14F) took my wife's side, which I was pretty upset and surprised about. She was 12 when we separated and we were very close, unlike her and her mother. I didn't hold in against her because she's a kid and didn't know any better and I make the effort to see her. I love spending time with my daughter.

I met my current wife four years ago. She was pre-law and was planning on taking loans to pay for law school. However, about 2 years later, we were engaged and I didn't want her to take on any loans so I offered to pay for law school. She was apprehensive, but I wanted a good start to our married life and not want any loans hanging over our heads, so she agreed.

I used my daughter's college fund to pay for my wife's school and planned on replenishing it so that my daughter would have a fund when it was her turn to go to college. I put a little money each month. I honestly thought this was okay because when I had asked her about college at the time of doing this, she said that she wanted to go to "make-up" school and be a make-up artist and that "college sucks".

Well, apparently her mindset changed because on Sunday, we met up and she was talking about AP classes. I was surprised because I didn't think she was interested in school.I asked her if she was joking, but she said that she's aiming for CS at some top private college and that her dream is to start a start-up business.

She then asked me if she had a college fund and she wanted to know if she should add on an EC or get a job. I told her the truth about her college fund and that right now there's not enough money for even a year at a private college. She then started crying and making a scene and told me that she couldn't believe that I chose my wife over her mom and now I'm choosing her again over my daughter.

Which is not true, since my daughter is getting a fund, just not private school tuition. She then called my wife a bunch of awful names that I won't say here. I told her that she's probably not going to get into a private school because she wasn't even serious about school 2 years ago. She called me a s#!t dad and ran away until her mom came to get her.

Her mom later called me angrily about what I said to her and said that my daughter is on track to win some prestigious science fair award and I was way out of line with what I said and that I "obviously don't know her".

I was honestly so done with the BS she pulled and her attitude toward my wife (never has been good) and said that I'm probably going to revoke my daughter's college fund since she obviously doesn't deserve it with what she pulled today. My daughter is now refusing to see me and calling me by my first name. I still stand by my decision. AITA?

He then updated the post by adding this backstory about his divorce and current marriage:

I’m done with the rude comments about my wife. It’s Am IIII the a%$#ole not is my wife the asshole. Not that you guys deserve any additional information, but my wife really is great.

I’ll accept an a-hole judgement for me cheating even though it’s really not what I’m asking in this post, but everyone seems to be hellbent on it. I was a super a-hole for cheating, happy? When we met, I was 32 and she was 20. We had a casual relationship and I didn’t mean to start it but she was so amazing and had such a vibrant personality and I was really depressed at that time.

She helped uplift me. I didn’t tell her I was married, only that I had a daughter. And I know that’s bad, but I didn’t feel married to my ex wife at that time, I was so unhappy and she was too. My wife and I had an amazing relationship and as she was going to be graduating college soon, she wanted to get serious. I told her the truth and my wife was upset, but she decided to forgive me.

I proposed and introduced her to my daughter and she hoped we would be a family. She was nothing but kind to my daughter. But my daughter was hostile from the minute she met her, never gave a chance. My daughter and my mom would play cruel pranks on her, like organizing a date and never showing up, ruining her wedding dress, spreading rumors about her to all my relatives.

My wife took the high route and forgave all of that, only speaking highly of my daughter. Even to her friends, she’ll brag about how pretty and amazing my daughter is and how she’s sure my daughter will accept her when she’s a bit older. So yes, my wife is a saint and an amazing person.

What do you think about this mess? This is what top commenters had to say:

dogdrawn said:

So your wife was your affair partner, whom you spent your daughters college fund on. Yes yta in every single way.

From [deleted]:

YTA. You don’t even know your daughter. Also, she’s 14 now.... so she got serious about school when she was 12... and that was early enough for you to decide it was too late for her to get into a good school and so there was no reason to save for her education?

[deleted] said:

YTA - in the 14th century, Dante wrote Inferno as part of a larger work. Its about the 9 circles of Hell. I wish he were here today to wax poetic about the many levels and types of AH you truly are. For only he could truly do it justice. From a father. PS - post an update with a link if your child sets up a college gofund me. I'll help her.

And Shibes2 said:

So you’re revoking your daughters new college fund because she got angry at the fact that you blew her first one? YTA

He later shared these two updates on the situation:

Update 1: I will keep my daughters fund and try to add enough money for private school. If she doesn’t apologize and consider my wife her family though, she won’t be getting it. Id rather her be hostile to me and hate me rather than my wife since I messed up but my wife is feeling guilty over something that’s not her mistake.

Update 2: So a lot of s#!t went down after I posted this or because I posted this actually. My wife called my daughters mother because she felt bad about the situation and is sad about my relationship with my daughter. She insisted on the remaining money in the account (about $45k) to my daughter in a separate fund controlled by her mother.

Her mother didn’t take that well and hung up on my wife after telling her that she didn’t need her charity. My wife now won’t talk to me because she feels that I put her in a bad position and should’ve told her before that the money was my daughters because she figured that it was just extra money I had left over and not my daughters fund.

Shes saying that I caused unnecessary drama and could’ve handled the situation way better and that she’s trying her best to fix what I broke but she’s exhausted. She’s currently packing to go stay with her parents for the time being so that’s that. My ex wife is furious at me because my wife called her and she didn’t want to hear my wife’s “b$#@h voice”.

She blew up at me for taking everything so far and is blaming me for ruining everyone’s happiness. She says that I can’t fix anything anymore and not to even worry about my daughters fund because she didn’t raise “her” daughter “to get on all four knees and beg” and that she has everything figured out for “her” daughter now.

She thanked me for putting everything in perspective and that I’m not longer permitted to visit or contact my daughter (she has full custody). I’m now sitting here typing all this out and figuring out ways to contest custody so that’s what’s happening in my life right now. I just don’t get how everything got all messed up when my heart is in the right place. I don’t feel wrong.