'AITA for laughing in my friend's face after what he said about my boyfriend?'
"AITA for laughing in my friend's face after what he said about my boyfriend?"
My boyfriend, Matt, and I have been together for about ten months. He moved in with me about four-five months ago. I own my flat, and I have a somewhat well-paying job. Matt just went back to school part-time while working a lower-paying job.
He pays for half the food/utilities/dates. I like to travel a lot, but Matt can't afford it, so I mostly go with my friends, but he came with us for a little winter holiday after Christmas.
After we returned, one of my friends (David), who was with us too, came to me saying he wanted to talk to me about Matt. David told me that he observed Matt during our vacation and that what I did to him wasn't okay. He saw Matt struggling to pay for things, often checking if he had enough money.
David eventually said that it was wrong of me to expect Matt to pay for half of everything since I make so much more than him, and the fair thing would be to divide things based on our income percentages. I pay for 70% of the items, and Matt only pays 30% instead of 50-50.
David told me that I'm not allowing Matt to save any money of his own, trapping him in our relationship (since Matt couldn't afford to live alone), and that's financially abusive. I just laughed at David's face. This is one of the ridiculous things I've ever heard. I didn't try to refute anything he was saying because none of it made sense.
David got offended/angry/disappointed, or I don't know what; it was hard to read, and he said he expected better of me. He came to me genuinely concerned and wanted to be helpful, and he didn't expect my immature reaction.
It has been a couple of days since this, and I still can't wrap my head around it. I should apologize to David for laughing at him as he did look concerned, but what the f*#$ was he even talking about... AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Boring_Ghoul_451 says:
Um, what? You aren’t married to him, so you cannot financially support him. He’s not even paying rent! He’s an adult that made a big boy decision to move out of his parents. Now, if he’s spending more than he can afford, then accept that he can’t afford this lifestyle and needs to move back home. The financial abuse accusation was beyond unreasonable. NTA (Not the A**hole).
NeatCasual says:
NTA. It sounds like Matt gets to choose his discretionary spending after he pays his way in food, utilities, etc. Ie. The cost of living. You're not forcing him to travel with you or do any other things you do. You don't control his money or his accounts, or his time.
If he weren't living with you, he'd probably be in a worse position (he's currently residing rent-free!). That's the sacrifice you make when you cut back hours to go back to study. Again, his decision. David is showing his entitlement and inserting himself where he has no right or relevance. He needs to get over himself.
Material-Profit5923 says:
ESH (Everyone Sucks Here). Presumably, he does not know the detail of your finances, so calling you an abuser is way past the line. He's not wrong about 50/50 being a trap for the lower earner, but if you are paying the mortgage and BF isn't paying anything toward it, you do not have a 50/50 split.
I'm guessing that you already pay >70% of base expenses when you factor in the mortgage, property taxes, and insurance.
But he is your friend, and laughing in his face is an AH move. You could have responded much better, and you could also have made it clear that the household split is not 50/50 if you wanted to have an honest discussion with your friend or just politely told him that your finances are private and not up for debate.
And not knowing the specifics of the vacation, if it put your partner in an uncomfortable situation, you could have adjusted as appropriate for that specific situation, including choosing less expensive activities if he was struggling.