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SAHM wants husband to pay more rent because he makes more money, AITA? UPDATED

SAHM wants husband to pay more rent because he makes more money, AITA? UPDATED

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'AITA for wanting my husband to start paying more for our housing?'

Hi all. For reference, I am 29f and my husband is 30m. We’ve been together since I was 20, and got married when I was 26. When we moved in together when I was 25, we were splitting our rent evenly. I was making 65k and he was making 80k, and we live in a large US city. It didn’t really make a huge difference in my budget vs his to split rent 50/50 for 2600 a month rent.

However, things have changed. I got pregnant a few months after we go married (which we were so happy about and wanted). I didn’t want to not work, but I wanted to be home with our baby, so I found a full time remote job in my field of work. The downside is I took a cut to my salary from 65k to 50k. We continued to split rent in our apartment.

My husband, between being 26 and 30, has received a number of raises and has switched his job. He is now a senior business analyst, making roughly 195k a year. Since we were having a child, we were going to need a bigger apartment. We found a 3 bedroom for 4000k per month. He still wanted to split rent evenly, despite my protests, and despite me wanted to try to find a smaller apartment for less.

In the end, I sort of let myself get walked over because he really is such a smooth talker and I do love him. Anyway, flash forward 2.5 years, our rent has increased to 4400k. My take home pay monthly after taxes is roughly 3600k. I am paying 2.2k monthly in rent. I am also taking care of our baby and our home, doing chores, and cooking daily.

My husband works from 8 - 6, but typically doesn’t get home until 7. I am burnt out. I barely have enough money per month to do things I enjoy. I feel like I am financially struggling while my husband is living a life of luxury. Yes he does take me out on dates and on vacation, but he doesn’t seem to understand that this is not enough for me.

I spoke to him two days ago very seriously, and when I asked about trying to split rent based on our income and pay an equal percentage of our income so that it is more fair than fully equal. His reaction stunned me. He asked me why having 1.6k extra a month wasn’t enough for me. I told him I’m not saving anything.

He told me I should spend less on extracurricular activities - which makes me laugh because what extracurricular activities? All I do is work, cook, clean, shop for the house and raise our child. I told him I am basically working two full time jobs at once and I need help. Then he asked me if I am suggesting he pay me for being a mother and that stunned me - I really had no response to that.

Anyway, he told me that this is the lifestyle we agreed when we moved in together way back when. However, he doesn’t seem to understand, or rather does not want to understand. Now he is mad with me because he thinks I am being selfish and has been acting cold to me these past few days. I am getting the itch to apologize and take it back like I always do, but I really feel I am right here. AITA?

EDIT: Thank you all for all of the responses. I can honestly say I did not expect to get this feedback. I am honestly overwhelmed and cannot reply to all of you, especially while I am working but I wanted to update some things here. I love my husband with all my heart, and it is heartbreaking for me to read these comments and realize that I am being taken advantage of.

I need to figure out the best way to approach this issue and solve it before it gets too far. I want to work this out and the fear of being alone is haunting me. Yes I did sign a prenup that was overseen by his family attorney. My husband comes from extreme wealth and I was young and stupid and went with it. Head over heels like my mother always said I was.

As for his family - we get along great and they love me. It’s very confusing because they are such incredibly generous people, and they are family. But they don’t know about our financial situation because my husband and I believe that our marriage is private. And I would feel like I was betraying him by telling them.

EDIT 2: for those talking about the dates and vacations bit that he pays for - I have asked him numerous times to help lighten my financial load instead of going on these trips and dates and he has refused. He said he can do what he wants with his money and if he wants to take us on vacation that is what he will pay for. If I could afford vacation I would pay.

In fact, when we were in a more even financial situation, unmarried, not kids - I paid for almost ALL of our vacations and dates because I love to treat people. And I can’t do that anymore.

EDIT 3: I also DO NOT have bad spending habits. I worked my way out of my student loan debt in two years after graduating. I saved 60k but the time we got married, and I have that all in my retirement which I am thankful for since I can no longer contribute to it. This has NOTHING to do with how I spend. I'm actually pretty frugal when it comes to shopping, since I prefer to keep things cheap for my budget.

What do you think? This is what top commenters had to say:

Jason_Samu said:

NTA. Married people with children who keep separate bank accounts and argue about who pays for what are weird. You’re not roommates.

[deleted] said:

NTA - this is a strange financial situation. You are married and in a partnership, your finances need to reflect that. Your hubby also needs to be waaaay more flexible. Are you going to live your whole lives together by a set of rules agreed when you were 20.

Is that how he still expects you to live at 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 and 80. I'm assuming when you made this agreement you hadn't factored your kids in? You guy's need to sit down and work out a joint budget and start using joint accounts.

gooberfaced said:

NTA but it sure sounds like he is. And I have to say this segregation of money is not working for y'all. If you want to do it the fair way while not combining finances then do it by percentage of income. But the fact that you can't both sit down and discuss this calmly is very troubling. Marriage is a team endeavor and the two of you are each playing solo.

MsBaseball34 said:

NTA - you both need marital counseling. This is only going to get worse, especially if you have another child.

anchovie_macncheese said:

What??? NTA, and at this point, I seriously hope you consider a marriage counselor. It seems that your husband views you as less like a partner and more like a roommate willing to bear his children and clean up after him. There is no reason he should be forcing the mother of his child, who both works and stays home full time to care for his baby, to pay half of the expenses when he makes 3x more.

"This is the life you signed up for" is a terrible justification, because you were at a very different place when you met versus now. How much longer are you willing to be a door mat while he lives/spends lavishly without consideration to your efforts, or your child?

dane_baldwin said:

NTA. You should be paying no more than 1k a month for what you make. He could EASILY pay for the whole thing himself and still save probably half of his salary. You two definitely need to go see a financial counselor together and then maybe he will finally see what it is doing to you.

Biermansjes said:

NTA, what your husband is doing is bordering financial abuse... get couples therapy, because it will get worse with every addition to your family

Wraith347 said:

NTA. Your husband needs to be a team player here. When anyone in a marriage is looking at things from a “you vs. me” perspective instead of an “us” perspective, that’s an issue. How would he feel with 1.6k spending limit each month, unable to save anything? Something is wrong if there’s a different standard of living for you than for your spouse.

Verdict: NTA.

THREE YEARS after her original post, she shared this update:

I sincerely apologize for taking so long to return to Reddit and write an update to this. A lot has happened since. For those who don’t know, this post was originally written at the end February of 2020. The world, therefore after, fell apart. Things were… not good with me and my husband at the time of this post. I want to preface this by saying we are still together to this day -

and we’ve welcome and new child to the world - this time in a much healthier environment. In 2020, neither my husband or I got laid off of furloughed (and we were and are so thankful) but my husband moved to work from home. That perspective shift changed a lot for him when he say what I had to deal with day to day -

things I could never properly communicate about how difficult it is to work while raising a child and what I brought to the table that he could never see. Despite his newfound appreciation for me, I still found myself resenting him. It was in June that I finally proposed that we go to couples counseling, after doing my own virtual therapy sessions since March

(from which I learned about why I let people step over me based on my childhood and past and how to overcome that). To my surprise, my husband agreed and so we’ve been in weekly counseling since - even to this day. It helped him get to the root of his fears and address why he has trouble trusting me financially -

which had less to do with me and more to do with what he was brought up believing and had been instilled with. After coming to the point of telling him I wouldn’t want to continue building a family or a life with him where he watched me struggle from luxury (with the help of our amazing counselor who guided us), my husband was willing to adjust our lifestyle to be more equal.

I’m not saying everything was or is magically perfect. I know people wanted an update where I left my evil husband and took my baby to start a new life but I did marry this man for reason - I saw the good - and past this struggle we’ve had to overcome, he’s become the man I knew I’d married.

We now have a joint bank account as well our own on the side. We each put 2/3rds of our income into the shared account and get to keep 1/3rd for ourselves. I am in a new job now and making much more money than in the original post (not that this effects the relationship, but so people know my 1/3rd is enough for me to enjoy).

It’s still a road to recovery but we have more trust between us and are no longer living a 50/50 lifestyle. Again, I’m sorry for not updating sooner, but the past few years have been a lot for us (and everyone). Thank you all for your support and advice - I promise I wouldn’t be sitting here typing this without it.

Sources: Reddit
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