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'AITA for telling my GF she is a bad mother for making her 18-y-o daughter pay rent?' UPDATED

'AITA for telling my GF she is a bad mother for making her 18-y-o daughter pay rent?' UPDATED


"AITA for telling my girlfriend she is a bad mother for making her daughter pay rent?"

Here's the original post:

I'm 35 years old. I'm a Venezuelan. I came into the US like 8 years ago because of the dictatorship, hungry, inflation, etc. I landed into a community of Venezuelan expats and other latin inmigrants, so everything was different, but felt a little like home.

I did immigrant wage jobs for 3 years (I am an engineer) and then got a nice job opportunity in the midwest, so I moved out immediately. It was hard since there are not as many latin americans here, but things got way better. Now I even have my own office.

During lockdown I've met Ashlee. We started dating on the phone (we live in the same city) and after we could finally go out, started dating for real, she has a daughter, Susan, who now a few months about to be 18. Susan is kinda shy with me but we get along very well. After a while Ashlee asked me to move in with her and I said yes.

Now, recently we were home and I hear them talk in the living room. Ashlee asked Susan to start paying rent the day she turns 18. Susan was angry because she doesn't earn that much with her part time job. Ashlee said that if she doesn't want to pay her rent, she can get out of the apartment and find her own place at marker price, then Susan started crying.

Later I talked with Ashlee and asked why she was asking for rent, she just said "Its about time she starts paying". I was confused, in Latinoamérica that never happens, not that I know of, people over 30 still living with their parents contribute to the home but doesn't pay rent.

So I asked her again why she is charging her own daughter rent and giving an ultimatum? Ashlee said "she most pay rent, she can't be a freeloader forver" but still, it's your daughter, not a stranger who broke into her home and changed the locks, its HER DAUGHTER!

She didn't see my point of view, her arguments were more like "just because". I told her she is a bad mother for being willing to kick her daughter to the street and treating her like an stranger.

Ashlee got into my face and told me "You don't know sh!t about this country, I paid rent to my parents until I moved out, get used to it, you are just my boyfriend, not her step dad, so SHUT UP SUSAN IS MY DAUGHTER AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT WITH HER" (sorry for the caps but she was yelling loud at this point).

I never saw her like this, I guess everything she said is true, but this seems alien and bizarre to me. The next morning she told me I had to sleep somewhere else because didn't want to see my face, so I'm sleeping at my office. Susan called me to say she is sorry we had an argument because of her.

I'm I overstepping? Is this normal and expected in this country? Should I minded my own business and not say anything?

What do you think?

This is what top commenters had to say:

CZ1988_ said:

NTA - my family was cold like this and I no longer speak to them. You are right and it's good that someone is standing up for the daughter.

elsie78 said:

NTA. But sounds like you need to evaluate if this is the kind of person you want to be with.

NeeliSilverleaf said:

NTA. Your girlfriend has shown you an ugly side of herself.

YouSayWotNow said:

On one hand, yeah it's not your business. You expressed an opinion and that's one thing but it's not on you to argue about what she decides to do. On the other hand, doesn't what this shows you about your GFs family values make you reconsider whether you are as compatible as you thought? Is this a relationship you can see succeeding longer term?

Think hard because, whilst she's right that it's a common enough thing in America, it's certainly not universal and her justification seems to be that she had to endure it so her daughter will too, which seems a crappy reason.

I'm all for teaching kids to be financially independent but, unless your GF can't afford to, wouldn't it be better to apply that on a gradual timeline? Anyway NTA for sharing your opinion but a bit for making it into an argument. She is right that you stepped over boundaries in that.

CatsInAOvercoat said:

It's extremely unfortunate, but in a lot of American households the moment a child becomes 16 they're expected to have a job, at 18 they're expected to pay rent. This is normal in my experience of living here.

A lot of 18/19 year olds are expected to also move out the first moment they are able to (sometimes they just get kicked out), because how DARE a PARENT see their CHILD as a child instead of a burdensome freeloader?

It's more common for young women instead of men. You're NTA. Idk why American parents are so focused on getting rid of their children at their earliest convenience and forcing them to be adults. Don't have kids if you feel like they're a burden.

Verdict: NTA.

About a week after his original post, OP shared this update:

Buenas! So, the day after I did my post, Ashlee asked me to move back in, she was crying, saying that she miss me and wanted me back, apologized for kicking me out and being so mean to her. I went back in because I needed a shower and my office has no shower, and also because I needed to had a real talk with her.

After a few hours of awkwardly coexisting there, I sat both of them at the table to address the issue. I was honest with Ashlee, I explained how I was raised, how things are in Latinoamérica, how I lived with my family and even my siblings partners and little children until I got into the US.

I understand contributing to the house, and I understand she is her daughter, but she sees her daughter as a financial burden that makes me wonder about our future together.

I wanna try and have kids before I'm 40, because I would be 60 when they're 20 and I feel like I would be too old. I would not want to have a partner who treats a child like an stranger as soon as gets 18. Ashlee was crying, asking for forgiveness, that didn't wanna loose me, and saying she will change. Susan was looking down all the time, saying nothing.

I asked Ashlee if she was willing to change for me, she said yes, but then I asked "Why would you change for me and not for your daughter?". She was so confused. I asked her if I am a priority to her and she said "yes".

I asked her "I am "only your boyfriend" how am I a priority to you and not your daughter?" Ashlee then said incoherent things going back and forth between "Sorry, you both are my priority, I love you, would do anything for you".

I can't stand someone who doesn't have her daughter as her Number 1 priority, she most have me in 3rd place. 1st her daughter, 2nd herself, and 3rd me. I would rather be in 4th if she had any pet. What if I was an abusive person? Would she put me over her daughter?

I told her we can't be together if she can admit in front of her daughter that she is not her No1 priority, so I said I would find a new place to move out and break the relationship. Ashlee has said anything she can to fix it, but is so contradictory that I can't believe anything she says.

Susan spoke to me, told me it's painful to lose me, she said I'm the only boyfriend of her mom who hasn't been a total jerk to her or her mom or an addict. I don't know what to do with Susan, do I leave a door open if she needs help?

I'll be leaving in a few days to an airbnb while I find some place for myself, I can't live in my office forever. Thank you guys, tho, get your thoughts together, I still don't know if this is normal or I just found a particularly bad mother.

What do you think? Is this normal?

Sources: Reddit
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