'My BFF gave her BF "permission" to hook up with me on a group trip. I'm livid.' UPDATED 3X

"My (30F) best friend (30F) and her boyfriend (35M) discussed his "permission" to sleep with me behind my back and I am having trouble explaining why I am so upset by this."

First and foremost, I am not down to read any poly-shaming. That's not the point of this post. Polyamory is a valid dating/relationship model when done ethically and I am laying that down first and foremost. Any advice given that has the air of "but poly is gross" straight up, I am going to keep on scrolling past and not take in.

So my best friend, Cindy, and I have known each other roughly 15 years and have been roommates for 5-ish years. Cindy is poly and has 2 partners, one that lives close by and one named Mark that lives in Oregon which is pretty far from us. I knew Mark through mutual friends prior to him meeting Cindy and we actually slept together a couple times back in like 2016.

He's poly and I am monogamous, and we decided it wouldn't work between us, but we maintain being good friends cause we get along really well. I introduced those two (admittedly under the "....he's poly...you're poly...." piss poor attempt to match make) and they hit it off. A couple years later, Mark had to move to Oregon for work, but they've been making it work via long distance and I am happy for them.

So a few years ago, I kinda lost my mind. I had to break up with a boyfriend who was in love with someone else, I realized I hated my job, I turned 30 and felt deeply unhappy with where my life was headed. So I decided it was best for me to start living. I quit my job, found a new one that made me happy, and I started to do solo hiking adventures.

I mentioned in a group chat that I always wanted to camp in Crater Lake National Park in Oregon, and Mark offered his place for me to stay at and offered to be my hiking buddy (he's into hiking as well). Cindy hates camping/hiking/nature, but was excited for us to have fun and even helped me plan the trip, until 2 weeks ago.

Out of nowhere, Cindy was as cold as ice to me. We take turns cooking, and suddenly on her nights to cook she would only make one portion and leave me nothing. She was short in conversation, didn't want to hang out with me in shared areas at all, and just seemed like she was pissed. I asked her if something was wrong, and she straight up ignored me.

I went to mutual friends, who said they had no clue that something was wrong. Then yesterday, she invited me to a video chat with her and Mark. They told me they've discussed it, and I have permission to sleep with Mark on this trip. Apparently one of the boundaries in their relationships is "neither of us can do anything with either of our partner's friends."

Mark mentioned 2 weeks prior that he would be down to sleep with me on this trip if I was down for it, which lead to fighting between the two. Mark argued that he already slept with me previously so I "shouldn't count" and Cindy was sternly on "she's my best friend so no." They reached an agreement, and were excited to tell me and I blew up at them.

So many thoughts are swirling in my head right now and I cannot even verbalize all the reasons why I am mad. It's like my best friend and her boyfriend, someone I considered to be a good friend too, view me as an object in some ways but somehow worst. Sleeping with Mark wasn't even a concept to me as he is squarely in the "best friend's boyfriend" and "good friend" boxes in my mind.

I logged off the chat, told Cindy I was too angry to look at her, and have been at a friends place for the last day. I need advice on how to convey to them when I am so angry (when I am having trouble coming up with a reason besides blind rage). I barely want to go on this trip anymore.

TLDR: Plan a trip with my best friends boyfriend who is also my good friend. Best friend is absolutely terrible to me for 2 weeks, then says I can sleep with her boyfriend like it's something I wanted to do all this time (spoiler alert it wasn't). Staying with a friend and having trouble verbalizing all the reasons I am mad right now.

Follow-up comment from OP:

I think where the shock and hurt is coming from is mostly the fact that I have been treated like trash for the past two weeks in my own home for an issue that if anyone asked me, I could have ended with a quick "yah no that's not going to happen."

Mark is a good friend and while he was a fun intimate partner like 5 years ago, he is squarely my roommates boyfriend in my mind and even with this "permission" I wouldn't sleep with him. I am mad that Cindy treated me this way, and I am frustrated at the apparent brainlessness on both their ends of not just talking to me, annoyed that my "potential" was discussed in depth by both of them.

I'm also kinda upset that a good friend may have only invited me to stay over at his place for the potential of banging me, pissed off that I am sleeping on a futon like a 21 year old cause even though Cindy was in the wrong I LEFT MY APARTMENT WHEN SHE SHOULD HAVE LEFT.....uggghh. I just have a lot going on emotionally atm.

Then, OP shared this mini-update:

Okay, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented. Today has been rough for the most part but me and the friend who's futon I am occupying got tacos and I got to process this for the better part of my day.

My feelings have landed mostly on being upset with Cindy. No matter what drama was going on in their relationship, I was treated like a pariah in my own God damn home and that's unacceptable. The annoying part of this is now I am doubting whether or not I would have even considered sleeping with Mark if the situation came up organically.

My friend who I am staying at (she's also poly, I am own of the the few mono people in my immediate friend group hence why I was really harsh in my post about not accepting poly-hate cause those my people) asked me how I would have preferred this situation playing out. My response was pretty much:

1.) Cindy not taking out whatever she was feeling on me while they were having their backroom discussion

2.) Being approached by one of them individually to see if I was interested in any of this and not in the weirdest fucking Discord call in the world (SHE WAS IN THE ROOM RIGHT NEXT TO ME, SHE COULD HAVE JUST CAME IN AND TALKED TO ME SOLO).

If Mark would have asked me, I probably would have run to Cindy being like "your boyfriend is hitting on me, I am unsure if that's even allowed." If Cindy would have, Christ on the cross I am unsure how that would have even gone.

Who knows, maybe with permission, and wine, and the breath-taking views of that lake (seriously ignore me and google Crater Lake National Park, it's fucking gorg) something would have happen. Nothing sure as hell is going to happen now though.

This is a long winded post to say that I am planning to talk to each of them one on one because at the end of the day, I ALREADY DROPPED LIKE 450 ON ROUNDTRIP TICKETS AND I CAN'T AFFORD TO STAY ANYWHERE ELSE ON SHORT NOTICE (I've looked into campsite lodge and nearby airbnbs/hotels and everything is too expensive for me)

AND MY PTO IS ALREADY APPROVED IN MY WORKBOOKS. I am not going to be awkwarded out of my vacation that I have dreamed about.

I am going to talk to them both and god help them if the first words out them mouths aren't "I'm sorry."

Three weeks later, she posted this final update:

Hey, everyone! It's been just over three weeks since I my last post and I wanted to post an update. If you didn't read my original post is that I was planning on going on a trip where I would be staying with my best friend's partner for 5 days. She was fine with it, until she wasn't and treated me coldly for 2 weeks.

Then she and her bf told me that I had "permission" to sleep with the bf on the trip if I so desired. I got pissed and stayed at a friends place for 3 days. It was such a fun experience. I went home after 2 or 3 days (I can't actually remember how long I was gone now) when Cindy sent me a message saying she wanted to apologize.

Apparently Cindy reached out to the mutual friend I was staying with, and that friend went over every cruel thing Cindy did to me during her 2 weeks of shutting me out and told her to get herself together. We sat down and talked and it was pretty illuminating what she had to say.

Cindy and I have known each other for over 15 years now. For the majority of that time, I was the most more introverted and shy type while she was the "lets drink shots on the roof with this new friend I made 30 seconds ago" type. When the plague hit, we both had two very different responses.

After realizing I was deeply unhappy with all parts of my life, I flipped everything on it's head. I found a new job and made a bunch of work friends. I started doing solo adventures. I felt happier than I ever been, and it turns out, happy me is very bubbly and engaging. While I couldn't go out for obvious reasons, I started actually using discord and engaging more with friends and going on virtual dates.

Cindy did the opposite. Her job went work from home pretty early on which cut her off from most of her work friends, and she lost an aunt she was close to due to the virus. Cindy works customer service at an online store, so after 8 hours on the phone in front of a computer, she doesn't want to ZOOM or discord or message anyone from the exhaustion of it all.

Cindy admitted that she felt like she was falling apart meanwhile the person she grew up with was doing better than ever. Cindy is not one to express her feelings (she comes from an Army "what's a feeling" family), she apparently she decided that best course of action was bury everything in her chest and do nothing about it. Then Mark asked if he could sleep with me and everything started leaking out.

Cindy admitted that rule "neither of us can do anything with either of our partner's friends" is a bit more flexible than I originally thought and is more of a "please ask if I am cool with this before you flirt with my friends" situation. Apparently Cindy was cool with the concept of us sleeping together previously.

Back in 2019, I was planning a trip to Seattle for the Summer of 2020. Mark offered to join me and we were planning on splitting a two bedroom AirBnb. It didn't happen for obvious reasons, but apparently Mark asked Cindy during planning stage if he could even broach the topic with me and she was cool with it.

Mark, going off how she was previously cool with it, checked in again with her before he was planning on talking to me about it for the most recent trip and that's when the blowup happened.

Cindy apologized for how she treated me the past two weeks and admitted that she felt like she was failing at everything in her day to day life and then felt like she was going to lose her boyfriend to me if something happened between us. I honestly feel like a shitty friend in some sense, because while I knew her depression was flaring up again, I didn't quite realize how deep she was in it despite living together.

I did stand my ground on the fact that while her feelings are valid, the way she treated me wasn't and that type of behavior cannot happen again. She agreed and even invited me to sit in on a session with her therapist (she was already going to cope with the feelings in regards to her very messy family) which I said I would, after she had more solo time to process it.

I did end up going on the trip. Mark apologized for blowing up my home with his question, and we had a conversation about how while he is sweet, I really don't see any future where I sleep with him again. He was cool with it and said he was excited to have a good friend come up for nature adventures.

I just got home yesterday from my adventures and have been sharing the photos with Cindy for the better part of the day. She thinks the shots are beautiful and her biggest concern is that I could have hurt my lungs since it was pretty smokey out there on one of the days I was out there due to wildfires in Cali. So, that's it.