'My friend is pregnant and I can't support her financially or emotionally anymore.' AITA? UPDATED

"My friend is pregnant and I can't support her financially or emotionally now."

So my friend (30 F) is in the middle of a divorce and is now pregnant with her bf. She had me come over and told me her big news. I did my best to be supportive but had to leave shortly after due to the shock and my inability to hide my negative emotions. She already has multiple kids with her ex and I think she may have got pregnant intentionally.

I have helped support her financially with her other kids cause of their deadbeat dad. A lot. And always go above and beyond for birthdays and holidays. I know she has tried to get pregnant before and that failed. She stopped trying after I warned her how bad of a situation it would be, especially since she's BROKE broke. Right now her and her bf are living with a family member.

Neither of them can afford housing on their own. Now later on she says it was an accident. I want to believe her but it doesn't add up. She's been with this guy for less than a year. Started dating shortly after she left her ex. Neither of them are in a good financial situation and she's already struggling to handle the stress of her current kids. She doesn't take criticism well... at all.

I don't even try anymore. I know it's not expected of me to support her financially in any way, but I will no longer be buying gifts for birthdays or holidays. Every decision she makes keeps her broke, and will definitely cause problems with her ex and custody.

There is a big lack of emotional maturity and responsibility. I'm sure she'd be mad or upset if I told her I don't think this pregnancy is a good thing at all. I love her but hate her choices with a passion. Please share any advice or similar experiences. I've already decided to distance myself from her some, but I struggle to give criticism to others and to stand up for myself. Thank you all!

Edit: it's been awhile since I've given her any type of financial support, and the majority of it she has been currently paying me back for. I don't regret helping for the kids sake

Edit 2: A lot of people have been asking what she does for me as my friend. Before all of this, less than a year ago, it didn't feel like a one way friendship. She was really helpful when I had to vent about life and related to a lot of struggles I've had in the past. I have many great friends, all who I can talk to about anything. She was just one of those people

Any advice? Insight? This is what commenters had to say:

SamTMoon said:

Tbh, I had a friendship like this, for decades. I started to wonder if my being supportive, through it all, was part of the problem - like, would she do half this stuff if it didn’t make me worry? The last time she blew her whole life up, I handled it badly, because I didn’t have an exit plan.

I blew up and told her that the choices she was making were becoming a source of trauma and energy draining that I just couldn’t keep doing (especially when she never seemed to ask how I and my family were, anymore). That was it for us. I told her that I couldn’t watch her intentionally keep setting her life on fire, to watch it burn, anymore. Haven’t spoken in about 10 years and I only regret not speaking up sooner.

DanceRepresentative7 said:

look up codependency - you're codependent and need to learn how to set boundaries

OP responded:

Honestly I don't talk to her much anymore. I have set boundaries many times but feels like I'm not really getting anywhere. Just feeling done

Fun-Yellow-6576 said:

I think you step away from the friendship, she only wants you around for what you do for her.

Angryboda said:

Having a child is not just a blanket "good thing". Things like relationship status, ability to financially and emotionally care for a child, etc are all viable reasons to be concerned about someone, especially a friend, having a new child. You are not required to put on a happy face when confronted by the real life, reality driven expectations on actually having a child.

Clear-Ad-5165 said:

No similar experience because what person in their right mind would support someone who is a deadbeat mother and has a deadbeat father. I would never have a friend like her. Advice is walk away or you like drama.

OP responded:

She was in a horrible situation and I helped her get out. Not just for her but the kids. Things have not always been this way. Things with her were not bad like this with her kids at one point. She used to sacrifice everything for them and now things are different. If it wasn't for me she would still be with her ex and I can't even get into why she needed to leave

Two weeks later, after "sh!t hit the fan," she shared this update:

A week ago sh!t hit the fan. The friend I was talking about before sent information of a fight she was having with a family member. The family member was trying to have conversation about something she was doing wrong and she flipped out on him. She sent this info in a group chat and our other friend (Lilly) and I were floored by how she responded to him (pure anger and gaslighting).

First Lilly responded agreeing with the family member and then I chimed in also agreeing, but adding a different perspective on why what the family member was saying made sense. We were both very respectful and even validated her feelings at the same time as raising our concerns.

If I didn't care about maintaining privacy I would post the screenshots, but I don't think posting them online is a good idea. Her response to us was pure gaslighting. "Well I'll just do everything every one wants even if I don't think it's right. Everyone just thinks everything I'm doing is sh!tty and if I did what every one wanted they still wouldn't be happy. But thanks for your advice"

I honestly was expecting this type of response. And I told myself I wouldn't tolerate it. So I responded telling her this response is why I feel so much anxiety giving her my opinion and I left the group chat. She then goes on to continue to gaslight Lilly. Lilly told her she was being manipulative and victimizing herself.

This obviously caused a lot of problems because she does NOT think what she was doing was manipulation or victimizing. She messaged me to apologize, saying that Lilly caused all of it, not me. She went on and on about how toxic Lilly is. Lilly is a great friend and isn't afraid to be honest.

I'm very lucky to have her. I explained that this has been an issue before I even knew Lilly and fully explained all of my concerns and the way she's hurt me in the past. And that I didn't agree with Lilly being wrong. She "apologized" but also said that it was unfair for me to lie to her... which I don't understand.

If I give her my opinion she doesn't like it, and if I don't I'm lying to her. Every issue I've had with her I've talked to her about, and she'll briefly apologize and then it ends up happening again.

After she went on and on complaining about Lilly she told me she would not be having a conversation about Lilly. So basically saying she can say everything she wants but I'm not allowed to voice my opinion because she won't agree. She also added in that I'll see how Lilly actually is and that she'll be waiting for me. This made me both laugh and want to throw up.

I ended it by telling her I needed to focus on myself because this was causing me too much anxiety and I can't talk to her in a healthy way. It's been a week and there's no way I'll ever be okay being her friend again.