'My friend's fiancé has been mocking me for years. I finally snapped.' UPDATED

"My friend's fiancé has been mocking me for years - I finally snapped and now I feel like I'm the problem."

For the past nine years, I've been a part of a very tight-knit friend group: my best friend, her fiancé, and my fiancé. We've always done everything together - holidays, birthdays, traveling, board game nights.

I even work at the same company as my friend (we met in a different company, she followed me to the new one). We are even planning to buy land and live near each other (not anymore, but they don't know this yet).

But her fiancé has always mocked me. Things like "wow, what a fat @$$", "you look like crap", "stupid". Over the years his comments have made me cry more times than I can count. I've brought it up with them many times.

My friend has tried to talk some sense into him, and made him apologize a few times, but the conclution is always the same: "that's just how he is, he jokes and teases everyone, he likes when something interesting is happening."

The thing is, he directs it at me the most, because I'm the "perfect target" - I actually react, unlike my friend who doesn't care. He makes me feel inadequate in the worst way - I feel so bad in my own skin when I see myself through his eyes.

I've tried everything they told me to do. Laugh it off. Ignore it. Pretend it doesn't hurt. I didn't want to cause drama. And honestly, I was afraid of losing them - they're my only close friends..

Two weeks ago, we went on a workation together, and as usual, he wouldn't let me fully relax and enjoy myself. But this time, I couldn't swallow it anymore. I was already in a really bad place emotionally and physically - I'm tapering off psych meds that numbed me for over two years.

Without them, I feel everything 100x more intensely. His mocking and "jokes" felt like a knife twisted in my heart. On top of that, I had awful nauesa, brain zaps, and dizziness every day. Still, I pushed through: I went on the hikes, I cooked dinner, I made breakfast a couple of times. They knew how sick I felt.

But he just kept going as usual. He called me a "loser" because I hesistated to walk too close to the campfire (I was dizzy and afraid I would lose my balance). In the car after a hike, he complained that my friend was the one looking up restaurants "as usual", not me (even though it's untrue).

I reminded them that I can't look at my phone in the car without getting sick, and he just said, "yeah, same as the rest of us". Later, when we got home, all I wanted was to lie down and relax - and he jokingly threw out "you never do anything" because I hadn't cleaned the pans (from the dinner I had cooked for everyone).

That's when I snapped. I told him how much his comments hurt me, how invisible I feel, and he barely listened and literally laughed in my face. My friend overheard everything from upstairs, and instead of supporting me, she said it was funny to listen to us "fighting over dirty pans."

But by then it wasn't about dishes anymore - it was about everything. I raised my voice from sheer frustration, and instead of trying to understand me, they both dismissed me. I felt like I was losing my mind.

I ended up walking outside and crying - really crying - for the first time in years. Only my fiancé followed me out, hugged me, and told me we could just leave. So the next morning, we packed up and went home. They were in shock.

After that, I finally realized how different we really are. I'm naturally sensitive (maybe too much). They're the opposite. We're not compatible. I always feel like I have to hide my true emotions so I don't "ruin" their good mood or fun.

I tried to talk to my friend about it again afterward. She said there was no way she could've listened or comforted me that night because "I raised my voice". She hates conflict and "drama", so when someone shows strong negative emotions, she shuts down.

And she always defends him. Claims he isn't and will never be an emotional person. She repeats I shouldn't take his words to heart because he "treats me like a sister". So the message is always the same: I'm the one who should change. I should ignore him. Toughen up. Stop caring so much. But that's not who I am.

And honestly... why is he allowed to "just be himself", but I'm the one who has to change? At this point, I don't even think we're real friends anymore. I have started seeing a therapist, but I just feel so tired, sad and confused. I'm still scared of losing them, but maybe that would be a good thing.

This is what people had to say to OP:

TubbyLittleTeaWitch said:

I'm sorry, but these aren't the actions of friends. That's gone past the point of playful banter and into just straight up high school bullying. Friends shouldn't be making their friends feel like sh!t. Even if he is just the type of person to playfully rib people (although from your descriptions of what he said, he's way past the point of playful ribbing), as soon as he found out that it was getting to you he should have stopped.

He's a POS for treating you like that and your friend isn't any better. She's excusing it for the benefit of a quiet life for herself. She's ok with you being made to feel like shit but isn't ok with you standing up for yourself? You don't need people like that in your life. I'm so sorry that happened to you. You're not too sensitive, OP, they're just assholes.

Immediate_Mud_2858 said:

”Tight-knit friend group”. Nope. True friends would never allow one of them to be bullied or insulted continuously.

Time to block them all and find real friends.

OP responded:

Deep down I know all of you are right - they are not true friends. And I am going to distance myself from them, but as to finding new friends... that feels impossible. I don't really know how. I find it hard to connect to people.

Lost-and-dumbfound said:

Your fiancés friend is a bully. Straight up. Even kids know that if you make a joke at someone’s expense and they categorically tell you it hurts them the only acceptable response is an apology. You friend sucks too.

If my partner did half the shit hers did, I’d be on his ass to either change his behavior or it’s over. Whether he was acting like that towards a stranger or someone close to me. The fact that she just expects you to put up with it is gross. You’re not being overly sensitive, you’re just at your wits end.

Appropriate_Speech33 said:

She is not your friend. Full stop. She is letting him abuse you. At this point, you are responsible for your own harm, since you have continued contact with them. You know he won’t change. It’s clear you’re a kind person and instead of engaging in self-care, you have sacrificed yourself over and over again. They are not your friends.

What I’m most concerned about is your fiancé. Why did he let this happen to you? I would never let someone talk to my partner that way, even just once, let alone for years.

And OP responded:

He does defend me, but too gently to ever make an impact. I am also partly at fault here. I used to often stop him from confronting them, because I felt he wasn't fierce enough and coudn't really keep up with their sharp tone. It always felt like he was "losing". Also probably because I didn't want to cause too much of a drama and have always been afraid of ending up alone.

I am used to being my own shield, but it got too exhausting. So I told him I need him to defend me more fiercely, even if it ruins the "friendship".

OP later shared this edit to her post:

Wow, I didn’t expect this to get this many responses. Thank you! You have given me comfort and much to think about. To answer some of the reoccurring questions: my fiancé has defended me many times - he called out his behavior, insulted him (but softly), even had a sit-down with him once. But none of this ever had any lasting effect.

My fiancé is gentle by nature and doesn’t like confrontation. He often suggested we make a change, but I was always too afraid of losing my friend. As for why I have been friends with them for so long: it’s not like this all the time. They have many good qualities too.

We share a passion for similar things - books, video games, traveling, cycling, trekking. We had a lot of fun together over the years, many good memories. They make me laugh. But almost all of these memories are tainted by moments of hurt, which I have been ignoring for the sake of keeping the peace. But I don’t want to do that anymore.

A month later, OP shared this update:

I have officially ended things with my friend and her fiancé. I took all your advice to heart, talked to my therapist and did a lot of self reflecting. But the thing that really convinced me to do it was this: I didn’t see them for over a month, barely messaged them, and it was the most peaceful month I had in years. I didn’t miss them at all. I felt calm and alive. I felt… almost happy.

Recently I attended a work team building event - for the first time without my friend - and it was amazing. I never had this much fun on previous events. I talked to people, laughed, socialized. And people wanted to talk to me, too! Two guys said they wished they got to know me sooner.

That I am a great person. It was shocking how much at peace I felt when I didn’t have to perform or manage her feelings and worry about her discomfort (she disliked these events and the work people).

Yesterday I told her the truth - that I have been feeling better ever since I have distanced myself from them. She got defensive and hurt, blamed me for saying such a hurtful thing, said goodbye and then blocked me. I feel bad about that, the old guilt and people-pleasing instinct has kicked in, but I know I did the right thing. I just wanted to thank everyone who gave me advice in the original post.