'I gave my friend a haircut and now everything feels different.' UPDATED
"I gave my friend a haircut and now everything feels different."
My (F31) friend (M32) lost a family member with whom he was very close recently and didn't get the chance to travel for the funeral. It hit him pretty hard, so I told him to come spend the weekend with me, that way we could chat, have a drink, cook a couple of meals, and just generally not be alone. We live a few hours apart.
He agreed, we set a date, he bought tickets and came over. I hosted him at my place, he slept at the sofa bed, I slept in the bedroom, we had a blast. It was a lovely weekend.
However. On his first night here we were talking about haircuts and I mentioned I've been doing my own for years (it looks ok) and did my brother's and dad's for a while. He asked me if I could give him a haircut so he could save a few bucks, I said ok although I can only do simple haircuts and nothing too elaborate. He said that should do it.
Next morning I sat him down in my bathroom, gave him a towel to wrap around his neck, and then it hit me that I would have to touch him for this. There's nothing wrong with him, his hygiene is very up to date, his skin looks fine and his hair is very healthy. We're just not very touchy people, neither of us. I don't think we even hugged before that, and we've known each other for years.
So as a first physical contact, this felt... a bit much? Every time I had to touch a different part of his head or face I'd go "sorry, excuse me, so sorry, don't mind me, just trying to get this bit right" and he'd go "it's all good don't worry you're being very gentle" which was reassuring.
I left a playlist running in the background, that seemed to relax everyone a little bit, and I noticed his hair was very soft and smelled kinda nice. When I looked at him in the mirror I saw he had his eyes closed and was breathing kind of deeply, like he was enjoying having someone fiddling with his hair. He did not seem at all worried about how the haircut was going to turn out. I was very focused on getting it right.
When I finished I told him he could wait for me to sweep the floor and then take a shower to get rid of the tiny hairs that inevitably get everywhere. He asked if he could put his shirt in the washer, to not get hair in his other clothes. I said sure. He took off his shirt, shook it around a little bit and handed it to me as I was finishing the sweep. He got in the shower and I went to start the washer.
I noticed my shirt also had a bunch of tiny hairs, so I took it off and threw it in. When I was measuring the soap the bathroom door swung open and he asked me something about the hot water, which wasn't running, so I went into the bathroom to check, fixed it, explained what to do next time, and left.
He just had a towel around his waist and I was in just shorts and a bra. It didn't feel weird. No one blushed. This happened a couple more times throughout the weekend.
The haircut turned out fine. He loved it, said it looked very professional, and when we went out that night to meet some mutual friends he told everybody I was the one who did it. I saw him checking his own reflection and looking satisfied a couple of times, he was chattier and was laughing easier.
He looked so happy, it was such a precious sight, and I was just glad I brought him some joy. He said he didn't remember the last time he felt this at peace. Life has been rough on him lately. He's still grieving.
I also noticed we causally touch each other a little now, he held my hand when I was going down some stairs on high heels, I held onto his arm on a reflex when someone told me shocking news, he put his hand on the small of my back when we were getting into the subway.
I fixed the collar of his shirt when it was crooked, he hugged me goodbye for several seconds. These don't sound like a lot, but again, we're not touchy people.
While all of this felt really nice, I don't know how me giving him a haircut moved the level of intimacy from "never even gave him a hug" to "we're ok with seeing each other half naked and casually touching".
What happened here?
I don't understand. This isn't an inherently intimate activity, professional hairdressers do this every single day several times a day without any of this shenanigans. I am not complaining, it's nice that we're closer, but the curve from where we were then to where we are now is so steep, this happened so fast.
I don't think this is a typical friendship anymore, at least not by our standards, but I don't think we want to date either. Nothing romantic happened, we didn't kiss, we didn't bang, nothing even close to that. We had the opportunity, so if it didn't happen I can only conclude it's because we didn't really want it to. That being said, I don't know what exactly this relationship is now.
I am very confused. I'm struggling to identify my own feelings. I fail to comprehend how things changed so drastically because of a simple haircut.
Thank you all for letting me vent.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
You showed him kindness when he was grieving. That haircut and you touching him probably made him feel a 100 times better when he was probably feeling so low at losing someone and not being able to be there.
You showed him that you’re a kind, compassionate and caring friend who was there for him at a low point.
This is a beautiful comment. Try to look at the situation purely as what it is, which was being there for a friend.
OP, do you happen to suffer from anxiety disorder? As someone who has/does, it felt familiar, reading your thought process; the overthinking and jumping to an intrusive conclusion (ie needing to apologize for touching his hair during a haircut, wondering if these small gestures suggest an impending relationship).
The reason I ask, is that often times anxiety tells you to overthink, to worry, to turn something simple into a catastrophe. I don’t suggest you do have any medical condition, I just offer this as a possible lens to view the situation through.
Wishing you the best. You are a kind, compassionate person.
canigetamap OP:
The reason why I apologized many times was not because I thought small touches suggested an impending relationship, it's because I'm autistic and have some sensory issues.
Anything that touches my skin has the potential to make me debilitatingly uncomfortable, including: people who like to touch while they talk to me, surface textures, labels in clothes, most clothes, most bed sheets, ocean water that dries before I can shower, liquid soap, etc.
He knows this and he never made a point of wanting to express affection physically before. The way we touched each other after the haircut was minimal and fleeting, so not enough to trigger any discomfort on my part, but I'm not sure how I would have felt had I been in his place during the haircut.
Unless you've discussed this with him before, it could be he liked touch, but simply kept himself back for your sake (since he knows you don't like it). You've shown him that you weren't too uncomfortable with the touch via the haircut, so he might (subconsciously or not) allow himself to touch more (possibly towards the level of touch he actually naturally likes).
Of course that's just a hypothesis. Just exploring how this could happen. I have friends I touch less than I would personally prefer(or not at all), due to knowing they don't like being touched.
canigetamap OP:
I think you're right, at least partly. I've never seen him being very physically affectionate with anyone, not even with the people he dated, or his close family. I think he probably doesn't like touching/being touched in public, but maybe enjoys it much more in a more intimate setting. Under that light, it makes sense that he (subconsciously or not) felt it was ok to touch me a bit.
I am not uncomfortable with this level of physical contact, but I do need some time to process all of this correctly. Your comment was really helpful.
Maybe I missed it but you never stated whether you felt attracted to him. Do you think he is handsome? Is he boyfriend material? Or do you just want him as a friend?
These are important. Figure out what you want and build the boundaries you want.
If you would like to be with him intimately then things are going a good direction. If not then maybe it's time to draw a boundary. Nothing obvious like sitting him down and telling him that you are not interested. But talking casually about somebody you are interested in. Or something to that effect.
Maybe you both want to be friends just, nothing wrong with that but tbh from what you said I think you like him.
canigetamap OP:
I find him very handsome, he's very conventionally attractive, and he's very committed to all his relationships. He's also funny and smart. I would introduce him to all my single girl friends, even the ones I plan on staying friends with.
On some level I think I love him, and I think he loves me too, but none of this feels like romantic love. It feels like familiar and comfortable love.
On top of that, I just got out of a long-ish term thing, he's still grieving intensely, none of us are in the correct headspace to be dating anyone. At all.
What does romantic love feel like for you?
canigetamap OP:
This nearly gave me a stroke.
I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think it's there. I don't think either of us is interested in having a romantic relationship with the other, it doesn't seem like we would work well as a couple. We share many values but we also have different takes on things we both consider essential in a long term partnership.
Sure, maybe I'm wrong, what do I know, I have no clue what's happening, and if I have to eat my words in the future I'll gladly do it over hot sauce. But knowing us the way I do, I don't think I'm his wife and I don't think he's my husband. I think we're something else to each other.
About a month and a half later OP posted this update:
Ok, y'all. I have a lot to tell. This will be long.
First of all, thank you to everyone who commented on my original post and helped me understand things a bit more clearly. To all the barbers and hairdressers and related care professionals, your jobs are insane, I have no idea how you cope and you are all incredible.
Now to the updates.
Around the same time as I wrote the original post I was fired in a big layoff. My friend and I have similar jobs, and he told me the company where he works had openings. I applied and several interviews later I got an offer. Pay, hours, benefits, pto, everything was better than my previous job. So I took it, and moved to his city.
I was staying at his place while I looked for my own flat, and on the first night there I thought it was time we talked about the haircut-touching situation.
At the time of the first post I was more or less sure that there were no romantic feelings involved on my end, but after a lot of reflection on the comments here and several therapy sessions I had to admit to myself that my feelings were, perhaps, skewing towards something else.
To everyone who pointed out in the original post that this looked like a love story, and to whom I replied "I don't think that's it", I am very sorry. It was, in fact, exactly it. You were all correct, I am just very, very slow.
It took me about three glasses of wine to gather up the courage, but I eventually asked if he'd been feeling different since the haircut, if he felt our dynamic had changed a bit and told him I wasn't so sure I felt exclusively platonically about him anymore.
He said his feelings for me were indeed different now and he'd been feeling it for a while, that things did change after that weekend and that we felt closer but it seemed more than just that. He said he didn't even realize at the time we were being more touchy, it was just what felt natural and right in the moment, and he only stopped to think about it once he got home and I wasn't around, and he felt it.
He even apologized if that made me uncomfortable, which I reassured him it didn't. None of us had any clarity on what exactly it was that we were feeling, but it felt nice that we were equally confused.
The following day was a Friday, and it was my first day at the new job. At some point he came to check in on me and asked if I wanted to go on a date. An actual, real, official date. Tonight.
I panicked and said yes. He walked away and I immediately went through a sickening rollercoaster of emotions, ranging anywhere from deep regret to pure bliss. When the time came I thought I was going to have a stroke. I could tell we were both really nervous, which, yeah, ok, but also what the fuck, we're over 30 years old, how is this still so stressful
Fortunately the date went really well. We had so much fun, he was so charming and I was the most comfortable I've ever been on a date. We went salsa dancing after dinner and to me that was an unthinkable activity until the haircut, but he's an incredible dancer. After we were done with a particularly entertaining piece, he kissed me. I kissed him back, everything melted, it felt surreal.
I won't give any more details than this on the physical aspect of this relationship, but y'all can use your filthiest imaginations. It was mind blowing.
Some weeks later I finally found a flat I liked so I asked him if he'd help me pack my stuff. He stared at me for a moment and asked me why wouldn't I just stay. We'd been having a great time, cohabitation was going smoothly, we were already sharing most things, the bed, rent, showers, bills, rides to work.
I said maybe we should go through the steps of having our own spaces first and then slowly incorporate the other?
He said sure, if that's what I wanted to do we absolutely would, but to him it felt like we'd been dating for years at this point. We already knew each other so well and so intimately that he felt like we'd already gone through all the Slowly Letting Each Other In phase. Plus, we just had a very successful test run of living together as a couple in the past month or so.
He didn't press me into anything, it was more of a signal that he was ready for that and wanted to know if I felt the same. He was very loving and reassuring about it.
At this point, yes, it did feel a bit silly to go through the motions, we had already seen each other through good and horrible times, already met the families, we've been to both our home countries together, intimacy was very much well established. But still, this was new territory and I wanted to think more carefully about it.
I only had like two days to pay the deposit on the flat though, so I had to make a decision. In my head I kept wondering if this wasn't rushed or irresponsible, what if it doesn't work out, the fallout seemed huge, we even work together now and I really need this job. I felt completely overwhelmed and catastrophized it out of the park.
I got home late from my shift that night, he had made dinner and left me a plate. He was in the bathroom brushing his teeth, I peeked my head through the crack of the door and said a silly hello. He smiled so big he drooled a bit of toothpaste foam onto his t-shirt, I wiped it out for him while we laughed about it and he finished washing up.
I thought it was just an endearing moment, but as I sat down to eat and we were talking at the dinner table, I kept trying to find reasons why I would not want to come home to him every day. And I kept coming up blank.
It was so strange. It was like all the worries I had just spend the entire day stressing about suddenly seemed completely manageable and not at all scary. Same thing happened when we had a conversation about how this relationship would go, long term.
It was challenging, but we talked our way into a path that seems doable with compromises but that doesn't involve anyone having to give up on principles and core beliefs. When I think about it I'm sure it won't be easy, there's so much we need to work out it feels overwhelming, but then I look at him, he holds my hand, and I feel like we'll make it and I really don't need to be that stressed about it.
So I didn't move, I stayed, and now my friend is my partner and his place is our place.
I know it hasn't been long and maybe this is all a huge mistake, but I'm carefully optimistic. I don't know if that is what you all wanted to hear, but here it is.
Thank you all for being here for us.
Edit: If it wasn't clear, some of the things I reported in this update (me being fired, interviewing, considering moving cities) were already ongoing by the time I first posted, which was already several weeks after the haircut weekend. It was, in fact, why I posted here, I needed to understand what happened and get my feelings in order.
was scared about moving closer to him while being so confused and end up in a messy situation.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Though not a fan of romance novels this dorky s&^% really makes me feel better
I remember your first post. I was friends for a while with my wife first and still cringe at the awkwardness, but also remember the intense joy of that transition. Life is what happens while making other plans. The best to you both! ♥️
BEAUTIFUL SO SWEET THE LOVE IS RADIATING
Welp. Sounds like you found your person, and it was someone who was there all along. Best wishes to you both for a happy life together ❤️