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Post sparks debate about appropriateness of the term 'gay best friend.'

Post sparks debate about appropriateness of the term 'gay best friend.'

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I (24M) have had this friend who we’ll call Kari (24F) for around 10 years now. Came out to her as gay when I was 16 and at the time she was very respectful and supportive. But over the last couple of years I’ve been feeling kind of dehumanized by her

Every time we go out together and she meets someone new (usually a guy she’s interested in.) She always wants me to act as her wingman and calls me her “gay best friend” when she goes over to talk to them.

I’ve told her many times I don’t like being called that. 1. Because it makes me feel like an accessory. And 2. It means she’s outing me to random people who I don’t know and could act maliciously towards me.

She would always stop calling me that for a while but pick it right back up. The last time it happened we were at a cheap bar and she was interested in a guy there. She wanted me to talk her up to him and then came over and started talking to him herself.

Well, he ended up asking who I was and what our relationship was and before I could say anything she chimed in “oh he’s my gay best friend.” I kind of lost it at this point because it had been going on for too long and I had a lot of pent up frustrations with it.

I yelled and told her “I’ve told you over and over not to call me that and you keep doing it. I feel like you see me as an accessory and are using me to fulfill your ‘yasss queen’ fantasies. You are risking my safety every time you out me.

I don’t think we should talk anymore because you clearly don’t respect me enough not to do something I told you repeatedly I don’t like. If you can change the way you see me maybe we can hang out again but I need some space from you.” Meanwhile the dude is just standing there awkwardly but he ended up agreeing with me.

I’ve been getting texts from her and mutual friends saying I was an AH and needed to apologize because I was overreacting. I ended up just blocking all of them because I can’t deal with it. I have however started to feel bad. My bf agrees with me and as I said so did the dude she liked. But AITA?

Little update: I have now lost my entire friend group since we shared all of our friends and they all chose her “because it wasn’t a big deal, you need to learn to chill” as one of the people in the group said, so that’s fun. Just a great thing to find out while I’m at work and already stressed out.

Me and the guy at the bar hit it off though and he wants to hang with me and my boyfriend. So I guess I’m gonna start making friends from scratch starting with him.

Q&A:

Ladygytha says:

You know, your update seemed sad, but it isn't really. You needed new friends. So I hope that dude is legit and I hope that you get all of the best new friends. 💖

Flurzzlenaut OP:

Yeah I was pretty upset earlier about it, but I’ve calmed down since then. It just sucks with all the time and money and stuff I wasted on them.

NightsofWren says:

INFO: Where is this happening? In a city? A backwards town?

Flurzzlenaut OP says:

Small, very Christian, southern town.

AndthenIhadausername asks:

NTA I'm guessing all of the people that said you were overreacting aren't lgbt+?

Flurzzlenaut OP says:

Yeah… I don’t really have any queer friends.

Smooth_Matter_9995 says:

YTA and completely self-deluded if you think she is doing it to “accessorize” you and fulfill some “yas queen “ BS.

Obviously it’s to indicate to men she’s interested in that you two aren’t dating or in some situation. The whole victim hood mentality about “being in danger” is frankly ridiculous. Are you guys in bars in rural Utah here? It’s 2022.

Flurzzlenaut OP says:

Last I checked homophobes don’t care what year it is and yes she has treated me like a stereotype and an accessory. Why else would she need to announce to everyone she meets I’m gay?

She wants our friendship to be like some shitty movie where the straight female main character has a stereotypical gay bff and that’s not what I am. You don’t know where I live or what the environment is like around here, I don’t feel safe with random strangers knowing I’m gay, especially not a sketchy ass bar filled with rednecks.

She also refers to me like this with everyone she meets. Not just guys she’s interested in. And she’s never quiet about it. I never know who’s listening and could follow me to the bathroom or wherever and attack me.

permanent_me asks:

Nta obviously she's wrong. But sorryyy, really dumb question here, why is it a risk to safety?

Flurzzlenaut OP says:

Because I live in a small southern Christian town. I don’t know who’s safe and who will assault me if they can get me alone. And the bar we were in was full of rednecks, I didn’t feel safe going in there in the first place but it’s where she wanted to go and I was just going to try and blend on.

permanent_me responded:

Sorry, I realize I'm ignorant.

Sensitive-Medicine62 says:

Yes and No. if you’re the gay best friend be proud of that. But no also because if you don’t want to be called that just being it up. Words only mean what you want them to mean.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me ”-Someone who had to be Cool

Flurzzlenaut OP says:

I am proud of who I am but I don’t like being outed to random people neither of us know. Also I’m more than just “the gay friend.” I’m a person with thoughts, emotions, and interests other than men. She didn't even call me by my name, which I also have.

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