'I left my friend's rehearsal dinner without saying anything. Now I'm the villain.' UPDATED

"I left my friend's rehearsal dinner without saying anything. Now I'm the villain."

I (34f) have been dating my boyfriend (36m) for 6 years. We are both in the military and met in a school about 7 years ago. Along with my boyfriend, I met one of my best friends, well call him Jay (35m) in this class as well. The three of us have been extremely close since the day we all met. My boyfriend and I always had this will they won't they thing going on and we finally did and we've never been happier.

We are the same type of closet weird and it just works. Jay has had a series a horrible girlfriend after horrible girlfriend, so when he met his fiance M (29f) we were extremely happy for him. They dated for about 1 year before they got engaged and my boyfriend was asked to be a groomsman.

A couple nights ago we were at the rehearsal dinner. Both Jay and M's family were there, all of our friends group, M's friend group, the private room at this restaurant was packed with people who loved and supported this couple was there. An hour into the dinner Jay stands up and starts giving this big toast.

He is going around the table thanking and giving a little anecdote about each person thanking them personally. When he gets to my boyfriend He makes a lot of military jokes and then brings up a class and how all three of us met and became best friends. It was super sweet, until while Jay says " but technically it should me(Jay) and (op) getting married but you never honored the dibs I called on the first day.

This man said this confidently with his arm around his fiance in front of all of their friends and family. I was so embarrassed I looked at my boyfriend and he was laughing. Then I made eye contact with M and she looked upset but was laughing through it. So I got up and left. I didn't say anything to anyone just got in an Uber and went to our house, took a bath and went to bed.

2 hours after I left my boyfriend texted me asking me where I went. I told him I went home and told him I was upset at what Jay had said. My boyfriend told me I was "overreacting" and "he is the one that should be mad about it and he's not, so I shouldn't be because I'm not affected by it."

I told him I was not comfortable going to the wedding and we got into a huge argument. I stayed at home alone and my boyfriend gave me the silent treatment the whole day and didn't talk to me when he got home. Jay called me 7 times but I didn't answer. Some of Ms friends who already didn't like me texted me some nasty things but I ignored it because I don't like them anyway.

I can't tell if I'm crazy. Everyone is treating me like I'm the villain but this "joke" rubbed me the wrong way especially after our history.

***Context ****

Myself, boyfriend, Jay and all of our friend group all have The same job in the military. This is a small male dominated community and we have all worked together/ crossed paths before.

The relationship between Jay and I has always been platonic. I would never date Jay, before this he was like a brother to me. Most of our conversations involved work or him asking me for female advice about the girls he was dating.

9 times out of 10 the advice I would give him was stop cheating on your girlfriends. Jay had tested the waters with me before but I set boundaries with him and shut it down and had stopped after I had been dating my boyfriend for a year.

This is what people had to say to OP:

RadioSupply said:

If I can reassure you in any way, it’s that Jay acted egregiously and humiliated you, his fiancée, and your boyfriend. You are not to blame for that. And you had every right to leave a space where you have been humiliated by the host.

Also, your leaving was likely a good thing for M. It wasn’t your fault, but she’s co-hosting this big party with her fiancé, and she needs to get through the rest of the night without “the one who got away” in her line of sight. So you, hopefully, provided a comfort to a woman who was deeply uncomfortable (at best) to utterly crushed (at worst).

Your boyfriend needs to learn what victim blaming is. He’s deflecting how embarrassed he was and lashing out at you. It’s a reason, not an excuse, and he owes you a big apology and a solid discussion about the support you expect from him.

DirtyBoots_1990 said:

NTA - it’s kind of a creepy joke. He thought a joke about how he should be marrying you at his rehearsal dinner was in good taste? It was a stupid joke - and I’m glad you walked out. His fiancé probably wanted to walk out too. Don’t go to the wedding -

OpportunityFeeling28 said:

Jay’s fiancée should be mad at him, what an awful thing to say in front of a room full of people that are there to celebrate the couple. I would have been embarrassed and left too. If your bf doesn’t support you in this, then rethink that relationship too. How awkward for him to know that your friend fantasizes about marrying you? Ick.

OP later shared this update:

I woke up late this morning and came down stairs to a bag of circus peanuts and an I'm Sorry CD on our kitchen counter.(It's an inside joke) My boyfriend was not there when I got up so I went for a long run. When I got back to the house my boyfriend told me that he went to work to schedule a moderated conversation with Jay. My boyfriend apologized profusely for not having my back.

He listened to why I left and why this comment hurt so much and I genuinely felt heard. I made my boyfriend tell me his version of what happened the first day of class and it was more disgusting than what I thought. Jay had made multiple comments about wanting to hook up with me to my boyfriend and anyone who would listen.

Once he noticed that I would have one on one conversation with him (my BF) that is when he called dibs. My boyfriend ignored it because Jay would say that about random girls at the bar when they were in flight school. He also told me about how he and Jay had got into a fist fight one night after Jay had asked my boyfriend if they could "tag team" me.

This hurt because I was never anything but respectful and friendly to Jay and irritated that my boyfriend never told me until this point. I don't think I'm going to break up with my boyfriend but I am for sure going to need some time to think about things. Thank you all for your in sight and help. I am grabbing coffee with M to talk things through.