"I (28F) watched my male (M33) best friend get married and it's a mess."

Hey everyone, I’m in a really tough spot and could use some advice. Here’s the full story, so bear with me:

I’m 28F, and my best friend, let’s call him K (33M), and I have been super close for seven years. From the start, it was clear that we weren’t interested in each other romantically. A big part of that was due to caste differences—he’s from a higher caste, and I’m from a lower one.

He always made it clear that he wanted to marry someone from his caste, and I respected that. We had so much in common, and over the years, we built a really strong friendship. We even became flatmates, living together in separate rooms, which made our bond even stronger.

A few years ago, I entered into a relationship, but I kept it secret. I was at a peak in my career, and I didn’t want any distractions or questions from others while I was trying to focus on my work. Although I hinted to K that I was seeing someone, I didn’t explicitly tell him until 3-4 months into the relationship.

My own trauma from past relationships that didn’t work out made me hesitant to share until I was 100% sure about it. When I finally told K, he was really offended that I hadn’t shared sooner. However, despite this rocky start, my ex, K, and I ended up becoming an amazing trio. We were inseparable—hanging out together all the time, and we just clicked as a group.

But things started to change last year when K met a woman on a matrimonial site. Within just three meetings, they got engaged. This woman seemed perfect to him—she mirrored all his interests, from cooking to music to TV shows. He was completely smitten. However, he didn’t tell me about the engagement until I accidentally found out when I saw an engagement ring at our place.

When he finally told me, he said he felt pressured into the engagement, but I didn’t push him on it—I just wished him well. After their engagement, I met his fiancée, and at first, we hit it off. But then, things started to go downhill fast. She suddenly became distant and refused to meet with me alone, saying she’d only meet me if K was present. I found it odd but didn’t make a big deal out of it.

A couple of months later, I went through a really tough breakup. I was also dealing with a lot of other things—recovering from surgery, going through extensive therapy, and on a lot of medication. My engagement had just broken off, and I was living alone in my house.

With so much going on, I wasn’t in any shape to be social, and as a people pleaser, I felt responsible for only interacting with people when I was in a good mood, not when I was at my worst. So, I started distancing myself from her, thinking I’d reach out when I felt better.

At the same time, I realized that K had a new person in his life, and based on everything I’ve read online—posts, reels, and articles—I knew it was important to give him space. I stopped hanging out with him as much, avoided overnight stays, and didn’t plan any trips with him because I didn’t want to be a hurdle in their relationship.

I did my best to step back and let them build their life together. Honestly, K’s wife has nothing to be worried about. She’s smarter, more beautiful, wealthier, and far more educated than me. She’s perfect in every way, and I have nothing on me that would make her insecure.

However, despite my best efforts, things continued to deteriorate. K’s wife started asking me to come over and chat when I dropped my pet off at their place (I had to leave my pet there when going to therapy or visiting my ex’s mom in the hospital), but I was often in such a rush that I couldn’t stay. She took this personally, thinking I was avoiding her on purpose.

Things got even more strained when K’s birthday came around. I reached out to his wife to plan something together, but she completely shut me down, saying she wanted to handle it herself but would invite me later. It was awkward, but I respected her decision.

Meanwhile, my ex and I (we’re still close friends) decided to hang out since we weren’t invited to the birthday. When K found out we weren’t planning anything for him, he was upset. His wife called us, and we had to admit we were just out getting drinks. Sensing the tension, we quickly threw together a surprise party for him, which he loved. But his wife didn’t like how much he appreciated our efforts.

After that, K confided in me that his wife had taken him to a hotel he hated for his birthday and that he wished she had checked with me first. This wasn’t the first time something like this happened. Over time, he began to admit that his wife had lied about a lot of things during their courtship—she wasn’t into cooking, music, or any of the things she initially claimed to love.

He started feeling like he made a mistake by marrying her, and it didn’t help that she began trying to control who he spent time with. She even gave him an ultimatum: he wasn’t allowed to help me or my ex anymore and could only spend time with her.

This situation was further complicated by K’s own behavior. Whenever his wife was out of town, he’d come over to my place and make comments like, “My wife’s out, so now I can finally play.” When she’d call to check in, he’d tell her he was hanging out with us, making it seem like we only invited him over when she wasn’t around. This only made her more suspicious and negative toward us.

She started expecting everything to go her way. She invited us to dinner a few times, but both my ex and I were going through our own issues and politely declined.

She took this as a personal offense, never considering that if I wasn’t visiting her, I wasn’t inviting her over either because I was dealing with my own struggles. It felt like everything was about how she felt, never about what I or my ex were going through. There were so many petty moments, too. For example, one time, I had to leave dinner at their place early because my pet was sick.

The next time I invited her over for dinner, she stayed exactly two hours and then left, clearly making a point. My female friends even warned me not to mention hanging out with K alone because his wife gets visibly uncomfortable and jealous. It’s frustrating because I wish I could just tell her that I’ve had eight years to try and make a move on her husband, and if I haven’t by now, I’m not going to.

Despite everything, I’ve tried to be considerate. When she was sick, I sent her a care basket, and she responded with a backhanded compliment like, “I never knew you guys were so sweet.” It felt demeaning because we’re the closest friends K has, and she’s acting like she’s surprised we’re decent people. Every little thing feels like a power play with her, and it’s exhausting.

Recently, when I was discussing everything with K, he mentioned all the wrong things we’ve done to his wife—how we’ve isolated her and made her feel neglected. He also brought up how he’s always been kind to my ex, which made me feel bad. I pointed out that my ex also put in a lot of effort to fix things between us.

K then said, “So did my wife,” and I tried to explain that it’s different when you’re living together and seeing each other every day versus when you have to commute, hang out for a few hours, and then go back home. While it wasn’t the best justification, I tried to make him understand that when three people work in the same company, relationships are just easier to maintain.

I also don’t know how to explain to her that seven years of friendship in the same company is a lot—we’ve traveled to 14 countries together and share the same tastes in movies and games. It’s absolutely fine, and I’ve never been a roadblock in K finding his own relationship with his wife.

I even asked my ex how he was okay with our relationship, and he said that he trusted me. He wasn’t insecure because when someone says there’s nothing going on, you have to trust them. But he also added that not everyone sees things that way. In hindsight, I can see how this situation might look, but I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do here.

Did I actually do something wrong? Did I ruin my best friend’s marriage? All I wanted was to give them space, be in a good mood when I saw them, and not come off as a crybaby. I was never jealous or insecure about them being married while I wasn’t. I just needed time to heal.

To add to all this, there are things I haven’t even mentioned, like how my parents were begging K to take care of me when I wasn’t in a good mental place, and he ignored it because his wife asked him to. Meanwhile, my ex—despite his mom being in the ICU and having a broken leg—stepped up to help me through everything.

And for anyone wondering why I didn’t reach out to other friends, I did, and they helped in their own ways. But my ex, despite everything that had gone down between us, was really worried and disappointed in K for not helping me. He even begged K to step up because he couldn’t due to family dynamics and what his mom was going through.

I’m sorry for the long rant, but I’m feeling stuck and helpless. Should I step back and let them figure it out, or did I ruin my best friend’s marriage by being too involved? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

TL;DR: My BFF (33M) and I (28F) have been close for seven years and we became even closer when I moved in with him as a flatmate. I entered a secret relationship and only told him 3-4 months in, which upset him. However, my ex, my BFF, and I ended up becoming an inseparable trio. Things took a turn when he got engaged to a woman who seemed perfect for him but later turned out to be pretending.

She became jealous and controlling, even giving him an ultimatum to stop helping me or my ex. My best friend is now unhappy in his marriage, and while I’ve tried to give them space and be considerate, I’m unsure if I did something wrong. Should I step back and let them figure it out, or did I ruin his marriage by being involved?

EDIT 1: For good or for bad , thank you so much for your comments. the first thing I think I should do is cut them off completely from my side while I am at fault. I also think that my best friend threw me under the bus to maintain great relationship with his wife. He conveniently managed to talk shit about his wife to me to keep me on his side and talk shit about me to his wife to keep her on his side.

also, the first thing that I did was to avoid him and somehow it skips peoples mind, and surprisingly I realised just now he never did the same and I got in a relationship . he never gave me my space for the first time instead of hating the wife. I’m hating my best friend because he is the reason behind this.

A week later, she shared this update:

While walking away from everything might seem like the easiest option, I decided to take a different approach and clear the air. First, I reached out to K's wife and apologized for any hurt I may have caused. I explained the reasons behind my behavior, which she surprisingly wasn't fully aware of. She knew some things were off in my life, but not the extent of it.

To my relief, she not only forgave me but also apologized for her hostile behavior, admitting that she felt insecure after my breakup. We both acknowledged that a single female best friend can be intimidating, but I assured her that I have no intention of being a "work wife" or a "pick me girl." Instead, I expressed my genuine desire to be friends with both of them.

I also had a conversation with K. I told him that our friendship was starting to feel very one-sided, with him coming around only when it suited him. I made it clear that it's his responsibility to take care of his marriage, especially if his wife feels insecure, and that it's not fair to paint anyone as the villain in this situation.

In the end, I bid both of them temporary goodbyes, encouraging them to focus on their marriage. It's a new chapter for them, and they need to work on it together without me in the middle. I also realized that I can't let my past friendships define my entire life.

The last 7-8 years have been great, but it's time to look forward. I need to consider how a future partner might feel about my relationship with a male best friend. As for my ex, I've asked him to stop looking out for me and let me navigate life on my own, even if it means stumbling a few times.

To everyone who left positive comments, thank you. And to those who offered negative feedback, thank you as well—your perspectives helped me see things from a different angle. A giant bandage has been ripped off. It's like shedding old skin—no friends, no ex, no boyfriend, no drama. I have my whole life ahead of me to fix, and I'm genuinely looking forward to it.