'AITA for refusing to pay for a former friend's daughter's college?'
"AITA for refusing to pay for a former friend's daughter's college?"
I (M37) had a friend 'Roy' (M37) when I was in high school. We were friends for years prior to graduating and remained friends some years after. I considered him my best friend. At one point he had a daughter, May, and I became her Godfather at his and his partner's request. At the time I was still living with a bunch of friends from high school.
One of them was my roommate Taylor and his brother Jordan. Roy split with his wife during this time, and since I was his closest friend, I convinced the other guys to let Roy move in. Jordan had never liked me from the get-go, and attempted to drive wedges between my friends and I. He did this whenever I wasn't around, and I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until it was too late.
He'd make shrewd comments about my girlfriend being out of my league and my career amongst other things, and the few people who remained my friends told me in more detail that he lied about me (like saying I had trashed the kitchen, when it was really him), and despite them trying to defend me, their words fell on deaf ears. I was unaware, but apparently, even Roy believed Jordan.
Our lease was ending near this point and Jordan, Taylor, and Roy had plotted behind my back to kick me out. We lived in a 5 bedroom and one of our roommates was leaving, but because of Jordan, many of my friends were uncomfortable moving in with me. So they decided to kick me out to bring 2 new people in, informing me about a month before the lease ended.
I was betrayed, and hurt, most of all by Roy, the person I considered a brother. After I got kicked out I struggled on my own for a while. I was 24 at the time, and I had a decent job, which is the only reason I made it on my own, even if it was just barely. That career set me up well for my future, to the point that I now live very comfortably, to say the least.
Flash forward about 6 years later, and Jordan drunkenly told Taylor and Roy that he had purposely gotten me kicked out, and that devolved into him spilling his guts about the situation. Turns out he was jealous of my girlfriend (who is now my wife) and how 'easy' my life looked. Roy and the others attempted to reconcile, and though I tried, it never felt right. I remained low contact.
That brings us to now. May graduated and they asked me to help pay for her college since I'm her godfather. I refused, based on the events of over 10 years ago now, and the fact that I hadn't been treated like her godfather in over a decade. He, his family, and my mother all seem to think I'm in the wrong.
My wife is pi@#y they have the balls to ask. I genuinely don't feel like I am but I'm sick of being pestered by so many. So, AITA for refusing to pay for her college?
Info from OP:
I live in America, and my wife is American, but I come from a traditional Indian household. I told Roy I'd always be there for him and his kid, which is why he named me God father. I always did tell him if I ever made it big, he nor May would have to worry about a thing. But this was before he turned on me.
eople had a lot of questions and thoughts.
RichS816 wrote:
NTA. Never heard of a godparent being asked to help pay for college, especially when they haven’t been involved in the kids life. F#$k them.
SatisfactionNo1910 wrote:
I'm with your wife here...they have a lot of nerve. NTA.
Defiantly-Single wrote:
NTA. Plot spoiler. You can tell by the way that they have behaved towards you in the past that these people don't like you...they just like the idea of your money. The only way that you would be TA would be if you gave in to their BS; even then, you'd only be being TA to yourself.
judgingA-holes wrote:
NTA - Being middle finger to your fake friend. If Roy was a real friend he would have talked to you about/ asked about all the lies that Jordan was telling. And he would have been open and honest to you about not renewing the lease with you instead of only giving you a month notice.
Ok-Ebb4485 wrote:
There’s a famous quote that some older guys I know repeat to me fairly often. They say, “A happy wife makes for a happy life.” It’s true, even though I’m not married. Dude, your wife is not happy with them. You’re absolutely right for not paying college tuition for your goddaughter, but I think your wife wants you to never talk to them again. NTA but it’s time to go NC with those a-%$les.
I'm with your wife here... They have a lot of nerve. NTA
Maximum-Function561 OP responded:
She is absolutely fuming at this. She was with me through the whole experience, so she knows first hand how much this hurt me when it happened. I didn't think I was the a^%$ole but so many people are on me about it that I wasn't sure.
NTA. Listen to your wife who has been by your side when your best friend who knew you better than anyone stabbed you in the back. Your ex best friends entitlement is astounding, so are you just supposed to forget all the hurt he has caused you and the fact that due to his actions, you had no relationship with your godchild all those years and quite happily hand over your money.......just no.
And all those people saying you should pay well turn it round on them and ask them how much they are willing to pay, I bet you the excuses will be fast and furious.
Maximum-Function561 OP responded:
You're right. Honestly, thinking about it, it makes me really proud she has my back. I couldn't ask for a better spouse. She is everything. I'm proud to call myself hers. And that is also a great point. It isn't some small fee, May is going to need a lot for her engineering classes, I don't know how much anyone else is even contributing.
I do feel like I'm punishing May, and I hate that. Jordan is a very personable human (to guys, most girls I know are fairly repulsed by him) and undeniably funny. And while I'd like to cut Roy some slack it's just... I knew Roy for nearly a decade before Jordan even came into our lives. And he never discussed it with me.
I would have expected that at the very least, he discussed with me the things Jordan said. He knew me better than that. And he didn't even try until he found out it was a lie. I dont doubt that he regrets what happened.
But I cannot justify that much money based on him regretting the events and making no real effort to amend his mistakes. He has apologized, but he still lives with Jordan and Taylor and they are both heavy parts of his life. I can't be a part of that after what happened.
Show your wife you have a back bone and you’re done with these fake friends. You have a real one there, OP! Ps. I love that you married your then hot gf that Jordan was ogling & was jealous about and are now making great money - Jordan must be extra envious! Happiness and success is the best revenge.
Maximum-Function561 OP responded:
You're right. She should be home any minute and I will be ecstatic to discuss this with her. I'm head over heels for the woman, and this whole situation just reinforces it. She is always my biggest supporter. And in my opinion she's still just as gorgeous as she was when we started dating 17 years ago. More so, even. She's absolutely brilliant.
This was the first real challenge of our relationship because I was incredibly depressed afterwards, and I didn't mean to, but a lot of my burden was placed on her and my therapist. She took it in strides when anyone else would have probably left my ass. She got me through one of the darkest times of my life. And I will be forever grateful to her.
It's funny you mention Jordan being envious. When Roy and Taylor reached out and told me Jordan had confessed, it was because he was drunk and crying about how he still works at a restaurant and how it was all my fault somehow and how he was glad he got me kicked out, and that I didn't deserve my wife or my job.
After his confession, and my subsequent timidness in reconnecting, he said I ruined his life because his relationship had apparently soured with most of my former friends because they were upset that our friendship had been ruined and they blamed him for me not wanting to reconnect, including Taylor (the only reason Taylor doesn't ditch him is because they are actual brothers)