Man angry BFF keeps ghosting him, ends up helping him escape his toxic GF. UPDATE
Bros before controlling, manipulative girlfriends.
This story takes some wild turns and is still unfolding. The initial post was made by a man who thought he was losing his best friend. His BFF of 30 years was suddenly completely bailing on plans. No calls, to texts, no notice. He wondered if he had done something wrong and eventually grew bitter and met up with him to say that their friendship was over. What he learned was that his friend was in much more trouble than he could have guessed.
AITAH For ending a almost 30 year friendship?
My (43M) bff (42M) have been like brothers since 8th grade. I have been there for pretty much every milestone in he and his family’s life. No matter what he was my brother from another mother and we behaved as such.
Over the last 10 or so years we didn’t hang as much (both have demanding careers), so anytime we got to hang was very much cherished. The last 5 or 6 times we were supposed to hang he straight up ghosted me.
No call, no text, just plain not showing up. I would often hear from him the day after with an apology, and usually blaming his GF for not being able to get out the house. And as always I told him I understood and maybe we’ll catch up next time.
So my birthday came up and he offered to go treat me to wings and beer at the sports bar while watching the NCAA Tourney. I took him up on it as it’s been almost a year since we’ve seen each other even though we live in the same city.
So we made plans to meet up at 5pm. 530, no show. 6pm no show, I bet you guys can see where this going. So I stayed and enjoyed my wings until the the game was done and went home. I told my wife what happened and told her I’m over the friendship.
She said we are too close for me to just throw our brotherhood away, but I told her I’m only matching his energy. If our brotherhood doesn’t merit a courtesy call or text to inform me you can’t make it, especially after being the one to invite me out, then that’s no brotherhood I want to be apart of. AITAH for this?
Here are the top comments after the OP's initial post:
NTA and i wouldnt jump to abuse but still check in. It could be the GF....or it could be stress or money issues or depression or time management issues or mental illness or addiction or him finding new friends or him just not vibing with you anymore. It sucks he hasnt said but some issues arent easy to talk about and he might not realize how hes acting.
NTA. Keep matching his energy.
Exactly! Sometimes friendships run their course and this one has. I have a feeling the friend will try and reconcile at some point, but it will be too late. NTA
It’s sad really. The fact it’s him seeming to make arrangements to me seems that he does want to see you. But it’s not good to keep doing this either. Maybe message him and ask what’s seriously going on and that you’re on the verge of giving up with him and see what he says?
The OP responded here:
I honestly believe it’s his GF. She’s a lot younger than us and she always seems uncomfortable around us. My wife has tried several times to get her to join her for a girls night out but she always declines. It’s an open door policy for them at our home so I really don’t know what this all is.
Everyone was pretty solidly against the OP's best friend, until his next update.
AITAH For ending a almost 30 year friendship? [UPDATE]
First of all, let me thank everyone for their advice and judgement. So yesterday, I went to my bff's office and waited until he left for lunch. He was surprised to see me, and we headed to DD for coffee and to talk.
So I put it out there that I am contemplating being done with our friendship due entirely to him ghosting me and not reaching out. He proceeded to show me his phone log and text messages.
His GF consistently calls and texts him all day when he's working. She tracks his whereabouts through his iCloud. He found an AirTag in his spare tire well. He says she's neurotic about him and everything he does.
If he tries to leave the house for anything, he has to take her along or she'll throw a fit, hide his wallet, phone, keys etc. I asked him flat out why is he still with her.
He tells me she has no family on this side of the country (she's from Arizona), and he can't kick her out. He said he reached out to her brother to help get her back home but he doesn't take him seriously.
I told him to change his iCloud password, go home before she gets off, pack a bag and come stay with me. I feel like this woman is something out of a killer movie and she may hurt him or herself. It's not healthy and a highly dangerous situation to be in. So for now he's staying with us while trying to find a way to get her out of his life.
This update sparked a whole new tone from readers:
I’m so glad you had the conversation with him, and that you’re helping him. She sounds toxic and dangerous. He’s really lucky to have such a great friend.
Good job! You are right, it can turn dangerous quickly. I would suggest making a proactive police report as well. She may try to file a missing person report to glean information from the police concerning his whereabouts.
You're stepping up and being an excellent friend. He's trapped in an abusive relationship and needs help to extricate himself. You're doing exactly what a best friend should.
Good thinking! I would also suggest talking to a local shelter or dv organization to discuss safety planning. If he doesn’t want to talk to them, message me and I will find some links to get him started. Thank you for being a good friend and not letting her fully isolate him!
Make sure he goes into his phone and opens his google account privacy settings to disable any previously connected devices or log ins and disables location services for google as well.
It was radio silence from the OP after this and it seemed like the story would never be fully explained. But then, two weeks later, the OP returned:
AITAH For ending a almost 30 year friendship? [UPDATE 2]
Thanks to all who reached out in the comments and private messages. Well a lot has happened this past week. So BFF came to stay with wife and I, and sure enough that first night she blew his phone up.
He didn't answer and it went on til about 1am. Between the hours of 2 and 6am, she rode past my house about 15 times. I live at the end of my cul de sac, so she has to u-turn right in front of my home to get out.
I set the geo fencing on my Ring cam to stretch past my driveway just to see if she would drive by. She didn't see his car (it was in the garage) so she would sit for a couple of minutes and drive by.
He was able to avoid seeing her for about 3 days then she started calling everyone he knew to try and find him. He would alternate getting a ride from me or an Uber so she wouldn't see his car at work.
In the meantime, we tried to find a way to get her out of his apartment. He lives in one of those luxury apartments where there is a limit on how long your visitors can stay, in his case 30 days. So we proceeded with a plan to evict her without involving the law.
So, Sunday while she was at church, we convinced his management company that he lost his key fob. They reprogrammed his reader and give him 2 new fobs.
My wife and I helped him pack up all her belongings, put them in his storage unit on the ground level and instructed the concierge that she was no longer welcomed in his place and to allow her access to his storage to retrieve her belongings.
His building has a no soliciting rule and an pre approved guest list, so he told them she was no longer allowed up to his apartment. His building is very strict in that no one can stay there without being added to the lease for more than 30 consecutive days.
Since she isn't on the lease she is effectively ex communicado and there is no recourse because she isn't a lease holder. She still calls and texts, but he has yet to see her since he came to stay with us.
His sister the cop found out what was going on from my wife and she lost her sh*t. Needless to say, we had to talk her down about putting her career in jeopardy. For now, the ex gf is gone from his place and we just have to see how long it takes her to get the hint.
Here are the top comments after this latest update:
That’s a brilliant update. Well done for sticking it through with your buddy, who will definitely be on time for your bro dates from now on. Top tier update.
I’m glad you guys were able to work it out. I do think once everything calms down you should at least talk about everything but safety and getting rid of stalker ex gf is first.
Thank goodness he listened to his wife, and reached out. The girlfriend sounds potentially dangerous. She was definitely controlling and emotionally abusive.
OP’s friend is very much in danger. How severe of danger won’t be known until and unless he breaks it off. Poor man. It’s terrifying to be with someone like that. It changes the way you behave and think in every regard.
My guess is when his friend contacted his gf’s brother it isn’t so much that he didn’t take his concerns seriously but that the brother doesn’t want to deal with her unhinged butt, either.
We need one more update, minimum, to cover the oncoming melt-down.