'My best friend secretly recorded our convo and played it for her boyfriend.' UPDATED
"Best friend secretly recorded phone conversation and played it to the person in discussion (her boyfriend)."
My best friend (23,F) and I (23,F) met 10 years ago during a gathering and developed a strong bond immediately. We transitioned from teenage to adulthood together, shared everything with each other, crushes, heartbreaks, faliures, achivements. We literally knew every single detail of other person's life. One could say that our bond was unbreakable, until the incident
The incident involves three people- my best friend (Suzan), her boyfriend (Jake) and I. Susan met Jake in an online course. They flirted for a month before getting together. Susan had fallen head over heels for Jake and I was so happy to see her happy.
A few weeks after getting together with Jake, Susan came to my place, teary eyed. She had been crying for hours. Jake was great to Susan, but he would mention his ex-girlfriend out of nowhere. They will be having a conversation when out of the blue he'd say that he is missing his ex, or maybe he shouldn't have broken up with her.
These things were breaking my friend's heart. I adviced Susan to be honest with Jake and ask him if he is still hung over his ex. I didn't want my friend to be someone's rebound girlfriend while she fell knee deep in love with him.
Susan talked to Jake and Jake assured her that he had completely moved on and only cared about Susan. But after a couple of days he said similar things again. Susan came to me-> I told her to stand up for herself -> She talked to Jake-> He gave her the assurance.
This cycle went on for three months and I was starting to get tired of this. I was so mad at Susan for taking all of this, but I was there because I couldn't see her her hurt. Fast forward to the incident. Susan calls me at 4am. She's crying like a baby because of Jake. I couldn't take it anymore, so I adviced her to end things with Jake.
I reminded her of her qualities and how she deserves a guy who's crazy for her instead of his ex. I told her to not settle for anything less. Now I was very emotional at that time and might have said a 5 minute long monologue about how Jake is not the right guy and how she deserves genuine partner and things like that. After an hour long call, she finally stopped crying.
Susan calls me the next day to tell that Jake and her are back together. I ask her why. She says that she is not good with confrontation, so in the past she never confronted Jake about his ex. But yesterday when I was in my monologue mode, she was secretly recording my call!
She recorded the conversation (the parts where she's silent and I'm ranting about Jake) and sent it him. She said that this made Jake realise his mistake and now they are better than ever. I calmly told her to forward me the recording and not contact me for 10 days. She obliged.
I told this to my boyfriend and he said to cut all contacts with her. She's not showing a single sign of remorse either. But our mutual friends are asking me to forgive her to save our friendship. I'm really confused. Am I overreacting or should I just forgive her for sake of our friendship?
This is what top commenters had to say:
WorryVisible said:
I can see where your boyfriend is coming from. If she does this once, she has the potential to do this again. Ask yourself if you’re ok with that and can forgive this again in the future. Is this worth being friends with her? If not, then better to cut ties now. Your call to make in the end. Only you know if the baggage is worth maintaining the friendship.
marasmus222 said:
Well, she broke your trust. Only you can determine whether that is a deal breaker for you. This is not up for your mutual friends to decide. Recording someone without their knowledge is a major transgression in my eyes. I would have a hard time trusting that person for quite awhile. I would probably feel the friendship was not salvageable. That's just me.
WaterVsStone said:
What she did was deceitful and hurtful and it would be difficult to trust her in the future. Trust would need to be rebuilt. People hurt one another. They also move beyond hurts. What do you want to do? What does friendship mean to you? She has wronged you out of desperation but do you think she was doing this to harm you? Clearly not.
Is her obsession with this mediocre boyfriend leading her to make bad decisions? Clearly, yes. Do you plan to cut out everyone that wrongs you from now on? That is the path of bitter solitude. You cannot undo what was done nor can things return to the exact way things were. How would you want to be treated if you had inadvertently wronged a friend?
Two months later, she shared this update:
So some time has passed since that incident. My anger has turned into hurt and disappointment. Why is it always that the person who does wrong remains unbothered while the the person who receives it gets eaten up by the memory of it everyday?
Anyway, on to the update: I decided to take a break from our friendship. I'm avoiding her calls and other social events where she might be present. Suzan and I had met a few times since she did what she did. There hasn't been any sign of remorse. I understand that sometimes people do crazy things in love, but I'm finding it very difficult to act like nothing happened.
I still love Suzan, she's always been close to my heart and I wish her the best. I don't even want an apology, just an honest acknowledgement about her actions. If that ever happens in future, maybe i'll try to be friends again. But as of now I'm still sad by her actions and it's a real struggle to suppress that hurt and act normal.
On a happier note, her boyfriend (Jake) did do sincere introspection after my recorded monologue. He has made improvements in his behaviour and doesn't mention his ex-girlfriend anymore. They have made good progress in their relationship and are in a much healthier place now.