Once you make an exception for one person, then it's a slippery slope of double standards for a whole friend group.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if her friend group is wrong for reinforcing a rule another friend set in the first place. She wrote:
Really are ~we~ the AHs. Our friend group (F, 30s) gets together about once a month. A few years ago, certain group members began trying to conceive. One of the first ones to start trying was “Katie.” Unfortunately, Katie and her husband had difficulty conceiving. This was understandably very difficult for them.
Once other members of the group started having kids Katie asked us to not talk about kids at our monthly get-togethers because it was difficult for her to hear. She also made it clear that she would not attend any baby showers. The rest of our group had mixed feelings about this.
We understood that Katie was very upset about her difficulties conceiving but it was disappointing to not be able to share important parts of our lives. We generally go around and everyone talks about what’s new in their lives (work, promotions, hobbies, etc.)
But whenever one of us was on maternity leave we could basically only say “everything is good” because we couldn’t talk about the main thing happening in our life. That said, now that our kids are older and we are all back to work/have time for hobbies we have started to enjoy having a dedicated time for “no kids talk.” It is something that we have even come to look forward to.
Fast forward to now and Katie and her husband are pregnant, which is very exciting. She is nearing her due date and planning to take at least a year off to stay home with the baby. That’s enough background so now to the point.
Last night me and two other members of our group got a text from Katie’s husband saying that she is really upset that we barely ask her about her pregnancy when we see her and that no one has offered to throw her a shower. At first, we were surprised to hear this.
We do text Katie at least weekly to check in on her, we just don’t talk about it at our monthly hang-outs (she has been talking about it in her updates but no one has asked any follow-up Qs about the pregnancy and we more focus on her other updates).
We talked to the rest of the group (except for Katie) and the general vibe is that we want to keep the no-kid-talk rule in place and it feels a little rude that Katie expects us to when she is the one who made the rule in the first place Would we be the AH if we keep our traditions? We also don’t feel like we have time to plan a shower with the holidays happening.
It sounds like no one wants to go through the stress of planning a shower when Katie didn’t even go to theirs. TLDR: Are we the AHs for sticking to our tradition even though the original reason no longer applies?
NTA. You kept quiet about the massive change your lives were going through and about your little bundles of joy to help her cope. You hid your lives and your joy so that Katie would not feel extra sorrow. That was above and beyond. But now, because of her, you have adult time. Adult time that you've all grown to appreciate and rely on as a release from the relentless onslaught that parenting can feel like.
A moment to just sit and be you. You respected her peace of mind, it's time to respect the rest of you. To be ruder about it: She couldn't cope with her emotions when everyone else was getting what she wanted, now she can't cope with her emotions because everyone else isn't overjoyed that she's finally getting it.
She's never going to see the rest of you as anything but AHs about this because she's been selfish the whole time and that's not going to change. You aren't AHs for wanting to keep the status quo, but she's never going to understand why you aren't capitulating to her Main Character the way you have been for years.
NTA. You all went out of your way to accommodate Katie, which is pretty impressive. Now that she has to do the SAME EXACT ACCOMMODATION, she's complaining. She got an amazing gift of selective silence from everyone. Now is the time for her to show her appreciation by giving back the same.
NTA. This isn’t about lacking empathy. It’s matching the energy you’ve been given. Katie is not entitled to a baby shower thrown by any of you. She neither helped plan nor attended any of yours. Additionally, you’re correct that the holidays are a demanding time for most people, especially those with families. Your time is spoken for.
IF you felt like it, you could take up a collection among your friend group and present her with some kind of loaded gift card or each buy and send things to her house, but you aren’t necessarily required to do so. I would recommend some grace for the fact that she is late to a very, very difficult game that y’all have already been playing for quite some time so keep that in mind.
But no. Keeping the No-kids talk rule is appropriate. I just imagine that Katie will distance herself while on maternity leave when she has nothing else to talk about.
NTA - She really should apologize for putting the rest of you through that in the first place if she wants to change things moving forward. People can be selfish during periods of crisis and friends can move past it, but she needs to at least acknowledge that she was not a good friend to you all for many years.
NTA. Katie is self-centered and needs to learn she isn't the main character. Should have booted her the moment she proposed the rule in the first place tbh. It's not a rule that a good person would come up with in the first place. But, you guys decided to abide by her self-centered nonsense rule, now she can deal with the repercussions.
OP and the other friends are NTAs, Katie is simply reaping what she sowed.