My best friend Nick (22M), his gf Marta (22), and I (21M) were hanging out in his basement. She asked him unprompted, “Babe, do you think I’m fat?” Nick, being the dutiful boyfriend, responded “Of course not babe.” She then turned to me and asked, “OP, do you think I’m fat?”
Now here’s the thing. I strive to be a very candid person. I will not hesitate to speak my truth because I believe it is almost always better to be frank with people than to tiptoe around what you actually feel.
In my experience, avoiding the truth often leads to confusion and/or pain. Of course I don’t wanna be an asshole so if I’m going to say something that I think could be taken poorly I try to be as nice as possible while also remaining candid.
Back to the basement. I don’t find Marta very fat. I definitely wouldn’t call her obese or anything, but a little chubby? Yes. I knew if told her this directly she’d probably get upset, so I asked her in response, “Do you want my honest opinion?”
She said she did, so I gave it. My exact words were, “I’d like to preface this by saying that it in no way affects how I view you as a person.
I don’t think that weight is a good measure of who someone is. That being said, a little bit yes.” She got really quiet and it was kinda awkward. I was about to leave anyway so I went home soon after.
Later, nick texts me and says I really upset Marta and I owe her an apology for what I said. I don’t think I did anything wrong. The way I see it, she asked for my honest opinion and I gave it. Just because she didn’t like what my opinion was doesn’t mean I was wrong to give it. Fishing for compliments doesn’t always go the way you want it to.
I’ve gone to other impartial friends (both men and women) to get their opinions and they’ve been pretty split, so I’m asking, AITA?
From the comments:
Congrats, you're attempting to use a 'radical honesty' ideology to pretend you don't understand subtext or social norms. This isn't new or groundbreaking or insightful. It's just pretending you don't know what it is to be rude.
If you want to call Marta out for seeking reassurance or answers she doesn't actually want to hear, then figure out a way to do that honestly and kindly. But don't act like you didn't know perfectly well that you were pulling her up for compliment fishing, and develop a 'lies are pain' thing to justify it. ESH
You're getting peoples opinion that you're the AH. So what is the plan now?
UIUC_throwaway_Bl4h OP's response:
I respect their opinion, even if I disagree with some of the arguments.
I will talk to her. I’d like to make it clear that my intent was not to offend, though I understand how it could come across that way
YTA for using the term 'my truth.' There is only the truth.
UIUC_throwaway_Bl4h OP responded:
There are 3 truths. Your truth, my truth, and the truth. I will always speak my mind, and that’s why I also want the truth from others as well, so we can together determine the truth.
Why does your truth involve some judgment of your friends girlfriends body? Are you a personal trainer or something? If you really forced me to think about some people's bodies in my life, I could probably come up with something critical to say, but my truth would be more like I honestly have never thought about it.
Why does your truth need to involve a judgment on whether a non obese person is whatever the nebulous term 'fat' means?
UIUC_throwaway_Bl4h OP responded:
I wasn’t judging her. The whole point of the preface was to say that. I wasn’t trying to belittle her for being chubby. It doesn’t matter to me (and a lot of other people) what her weight is, and that’s what I wanted to make clear first.
He did all he could to say it in a non-offensive manner. He isn't unkind for being honest when she said she wanted an honest answer. You people are acting like he called her a whale or some sh*t. Please get real with yourself.