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'WIBTA for reporting a personal conflict between me and my friend to her job?' UPDATED

'WIBTA for reporting a personal conflict between me and my friend to her job?' UPDATED


"WIBTA for reporting a conflict between me and my friend to her work?"

I currently live together with my boyfriend (Michael) of 5 years. For the last 1 1/2 months we also hosted a good friend of my mine (Caroline) who moved due to a new job but had some problems with the rental agreement. Caroline does know my boyfriend although not very well, as we only spend a handful of outings as a group. Now during the first few weeks everything was pretty okay in our home.

Caroline took care of a chunk of housework, my bf and I worked and in the evening we would hangout together. Caroline and my bf had very little one-on-one interaction, it was pretty much always the three of us.

However, Caroline started to approach me specifically during times Michael was not around and told me "in her professional opinion, she is concerned about how Michael treats me". For context, she is a social worker that works a lot with troubled family, spousal abuse and the like. I had no idea what she was refering to and when asking for examples, she only said "we will talk later".

Well that later was last week. My mother called me to come over for some coffee but specifically asked for Michael to not accompany me. I didn't think too much about that, since Mom does not approve of my relationship with Michael. Anyway, when I arrived it was my Mom, my Dad, a friend of Caroline and me and Caroline. And they set up an "intervention".

Caroline had told them that Michael is abusive, that I'm was unwilling to accept that and that it was necessary for them to help me get out of my relationship. She brought up some examples of that "abuse" and talked about how she sees these things all the time in her job. Her examples however, were factually wrong, grossly overstated and some just... plain stupid.

The whole thing spiraled out of control, Caroline and I got into a shouting match, with my Mom supporting her. Eventually my Dad stepped into and I left angrily. On my way home I texted Caroline that she has three days to get out of my house. No suprise, my Mom took her in the very next day...

When Caroline showed up to get her stuff, she again began to talk to me about how she knows what shes talking about, how I should listen to her opinion because she is a social worker and so on. Honestly I pretty much just ignored her, however I was thinking if maybe I should at least give a short notice to her workplace.

Because if she evaluates my living situation as an abusive household, based on completly nonsensical examples, while harkening on and on about her professionalism, I do wonder if she has also overreacted in her workplace.

Edit: I really should have posted some of the things she mentioned:

She for example thinks Michael is financial abusing me. The reason is he is currently back in school to get additional qualification for his job. This means he only has a small income from a minijob. However, he does have a somewhat expensive hobby. So I'm paying for about 70-80% of our fixed expenses at the moment. However, just a few years ago this situation was reversed: I was in uni, he worked full-time.

At that time he payed the majority of our expenses. She talked about him forcing me to workout, even though I pretty much always complain. I'm a lazy bum, a couch potato. I hate working out, or sports in general. BUT I specifically asked Michael to help me work out (he is a sports therapist). And his "forcing" usually means, pulling my blanket away or tickling me until I get up. It is 100% playful.

She talks about stealing, because Michael wears my clothes sometimes. Yeah no kidding we literally have put together all of our clothes since we are roughly the same size. She thinks he is dumping house chores on me, despite not working full-time. I cook, we share doing the dishes, I iron the laundry (Michael sucks at that). Every other chore is done by him.

She thinks he is an alcoholic, because he drinks wine or beer sometimes at dinner, while I don't drink at all. One drink, maybe 2-3 times a week. We are in germany, ~80% of the population would be classified as alcoholic with that reasoning.

Edit2: To clarify the position of my family: My Dad does not think Michael is abusive, he was concernced of course when Caroline invited him to the interventation, but we talked and cleared things up.

My Mom does not like Michael simply because we are gay and she does not approve of my sexuality. She has never approved of any partner I had. Usually we try to just not talk about it, I try to not bring Michael around (unless for larger/important events).

Edit3: I'm happy that I posted here instead of making a rash decision. I will not report her, instead I will seek out a one-on-one meeting. Hopefully we can figure out what exactly her reasoning was. I don't really know what will happen after that meeting, but since I do have doubts about her rather drastic change (and also the involvement of my mother), it would be unreasonable to just report this.

What do you think? This is what commenters had to say:

purplemermaid14 said:

NTA. I’m sorry many people are projecting their own past traumas onto you. Especially by everyone assuming right away that you’re a woman being abused by a man. None of the examples given show he is abusive. Nowadays you can easily find questionnaires to help you decide if you are in a healthy relationship or not.

littlefiddle05 said:

Until I saw your examples I couldn’t imagine a way you wouldn’t be the a-hole, but this level of ridiculous is seriously dangerous. If she is framing this as her professional advice, then it needs to hold up against professional standards in her field. There’s a decent chance her boss will trust her over you, but it’s important enough to be worth a try.

Sufficient-Nobody-72 said:

NTA. Report her. If she treats those things as "abuse" she might have been wrecking relationships and households for a LONG while.

shadymomma said:

Nta. She knew was overstepping. Most relationships have the same dynamic.

And Pinky_Pinneapple said:

NTA and yes. Let her work know. What the heck does she think she is doing. Not only is she invading your privacy by informing your mother about the internal dynamics of your home but also she is overreaching in terms of her capabilities to assess the situation. If she does the same with others (i.e. woman) by butting in so aggressively she is putting her clients in danger. Was für einen Arschloch!

Verdict: NTA.

He later shared this update:

As I mentioned in the OP, I had planned to have a one-on-one talk with Caroline. So on Saturday we met and cleared things up. This is unfortunately not a happy-ending update. First: The question I posted regarding reporting her has become moot. There is no new job, no new apartment. Already at the beginning of the year, Caroline had quit her old job due to burnout and lived off her savings.

With no money left, she had nowhere to go, so she lied to me and Michael in order to move in with us. She had no actual plans on how to proceed from there and kinda just "wanted to work it out somehow". She also confessed that living with us made her mental state actually worse. Seeing my relationship with Michael, both of us working and progression in our careers while she had nothing and noone.

Then my mother came into play. Caroline says they met "coincidentally" in the city. I kinda question that since we do live in different parts of a fairly large town, but whatever. And apparently Caroline talked with her about her situation. My mother made her an offer: Make me breakup with Michael in exchange for money and then Caroline and I could live together "like good old university times"...

I know it is very difficult to convey emotions, but if I had to describe the whole conversation I would say "non-chalant". Like she really did not seem to care that the whole plan was messed up. Our meeting did not end on a happy note. I did have a talked afterwards with my mother and my dad. She didn't even try to deflect or lie about it, she pretty shamelessly confirmed it.

My dad was completely shocked and extremely angry. At this point I'm not sure if their marriage will survive this. To sum up: I will end all contact with Caroline. Had she shown any kind of remorse during our conversation or at least apologized or SOMETHING I would have helped her find way out of her current situation. But not like this.

As to my mother: The same. I will cut contact with her. Honestly something I should have done a long time ago. I always had the hope that if she seems me happy in a long-term relationship, she may come around but apparently the opposite was true. If my dad decided to go for a divorce, I would support it, we will see. Right now, I'm just tired of this mess.

I want to thank everyone for their comments on my post and also for the people that reached out in privat with concern and/or support. If there is at-least one good thing that came out of it: Apparently I should think about a rent-my-boyfriend service. The demand is there! (This is a joke, don't come at me people!) If the meeting actually happens and we have a proper talk, I might post an update on this.

Sources: Reddit
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