'AITA for telling a friend I did not want her to join my date and I for dinner?'

"AITA for telling a friend I did not want her to join my date and I for dinner?"

I (26f) have a friend (25f) who I met in college, and although losing touch for a bit after college, I moved to the same town as her six months ago for work, and we’ve hung out quite a bit since then.

I have kind of integrated into her friend group (five other girls not including us) although I’m not as close with them as they are with each other, which makes sense seeing as how they’ve known each other a bit longer. I was recently on a first date with a woman that I’ve liked for a bit (27f). We were having coffee at a cafe, and all of a sudden, my friend walks up to us and says hi.

Not a big deal, I know she comes here a lot and I introduced them, my friend is super nice to my date. At this point, I hadn’t told my friend this was a date. She knows I’ve dated women in the past, but I wasn’t expecting her to realize this was a date because it could very well have just been a friend. Then she asks if she can join us and starts to pull up a chair.

My date is visibly thrown off by this, as am I, and so I say “Oh I’m sorry but (date’s name) and I are on a date right now. I’ll see you later, though!”

My friend says “Oh, I don’t mind!” and sits.

I reiterate, more clearly “I’d love to hang out another time but right now I’d like for it to just be (date’s name) and I”

She says ok and leaves. I thought that was the end of it, not at all a big deal, I don’t expect her to automatically know who I am or am not on a date with.

I get a call from a different girl in the friend group that night, who tells me that my friend called her and was pissed off about earlier, so I immediately call my friend and ask if we can talk.

She says it was rude of me to brush her off, it wouldn’t have been a big deal to join us, and her other gay friend lets her hang out with him and his boyfriend all the time (this friend is not a part of the friend group, I have never met him). This gets to me a little because I feel like the two situations are only being compared because her friend and I are both not straight.

I tell her that because it was a date, it’s different and that she can’t expect to join me on a first date. She keeps arguing, and finally I get fed up and snap at her “be f&%king honest, if I was on a date with a guy you would have taken no for an answer and not had a problem” and then hang up. She has not talked to me since then, but she told the entire friend group and they are now split.

I know this bc the friend who first told me that she was pissed off as well as one other girl messaged me individually to let me know what was going on and that they’re sorry about what happened. The messages from the people on my friend’s (maybe former friend, idk) side are making me second-guess myself, I do get that I snapped at her on the phone and was rude at the end of our conversation.

I don’t think I’m wrong for not wanting her to join us, but AITA for the way I behaved at the end of our convo?

People did not hold back their thoughts on the situation.

Quirkyismymiddlename wrote:

I think it’s weird that she’s making such a big deal about not being able to be third wheeling on a first date. So weird. NTA.

ptoftheprblm wrote:

NTA. The last comment isn’t what makes you an a$%&ole, it’s something she really needed to separate and clearly couldn’t grasp it wasn’t two girls who are friends catching up and hanging out even when you verbalized it was specifically a date. Because you’re quite correct. You made it crystal clear she was invading on a dating situation and it was socially rude as f$#k.

The girl you were on a date with had a right to be taken aback because she at this point isn’t sure and is asking herself this is someone you’ve been involved with who’s being messy, or just a friend acquaintance? Why aren’t they getting the hint? Had you been sitting on a hetero date with a man, I don’t think she’d have even come up and done much besides quickly say hello and leave.

And that had she stuck around it would have come off as some of the most literally insane pick-me girl s@#t to pull and would have definitely weirded out the guy so much it’s not funny.

She can’t separate you having coffee with another female as anything besides meeting with a friend the way she would meet with you and the firmness you had to verbalize screams it because literally no one is that socially stupid or would be cool with you doing that to her on a first date.

BetAlternative8397 wrote:

Corporate Life Lesson 101. A single does not join a 2 person conversation without a clear invite. This applies to business conferences, cocktail parties, and f@#king dates. NTA.

AquaticStoner1996 wrote:

I'm sorry, no. NTA. You handled it maturely, and instead of the situation being over and done with as it should have been, she kept it going by spreading it to other people. That's massively immature.

I'm bisexual and have dated men AND women, and I would have been very put off by someone thinking they could crash my date after I've made the situation clear that she's not welcome. NTA. And it's infuriating that your friends are split, she is very clearly in the wrong.

Inevitable_Pie9541 wrote:

You were correct IMO in your assessment that the friend wouldn't have crashed your date if you'd been sitting with a man. It was disrespectful of her when you alerted her you were indeed on a date to not remove herself; dismissive and rude of her.

I'm gonna say NTA cuz I get why you lost your temper with her, especially her having someone else play social secretary to complain to you rather than stepping up and speaking to you herself in the first place.

You've probably lost them as a friend, but that's not necessarily a negative if they're biphobic which it seems to me they are. They're certainly s#@t at communication.

Not long after making the original post, OP jumped on with an update.

Edit/update:

Ok so the two girls who reached out and sided with me just let me know that I’m the last few hours she’s been saying stuff that pretty heavily implies that I’m not actually bisexual and I’m just straight. So I guess that explains a lot of it.

They obviously were not ok with it, as one of the girls is bisexual and has a boyfriend. They both left the group chat and still want to be friends with me, the other people in our group chat have said nothing to me and honestly, I don’t need the drama. It sucks to realize a friend of mine felt this way about me for years but I’m glad I at least know what was up now.