'AITA for letting my friend struggle with her newborn baby?'
"AITA for letting my friend struggle with her newborn baby?"
Recent_Story_4697
I (f,31) have a friend (32), let's call her Laura. We've been friends since elementary school, but our relationship had a few rough patches. We're close, but she can be a little self-centered and callous. I know it's rooted in childhood trauma and it's not intentional. She suffers the most from constantly driving people away, but sometimes it's still hard to stay by her side.
Laura had a one night stand, and got pregnant. I told her it would be irresponsible to be a single mom when she can barely support herself, but she's decided to keep it anyway, so now she has a 2 month old daughter, Mia.
She had to quit her job halfway through the pregnancy, because it was harder than expected, and obviously can't go back in the near future. She's also depleted her savings and now her only income is child care benefit and monthly allowance from her parents until she can get a job, but it's not enough to cover her expenses.
Last week she came up with the idea that they could move into my guest room. She thinks it'd be perfect, because I own the apartment so there's no rent, we can split bills and groceries, I can watch the baby when Laura's tired and she can help out with chores while I'm working.
I said no, and couldn't even explain why, because she immediately started screaming about how I'm a selfish, heartless AH, how can I be so cruel and cold, and that I don't understand what she's going through.
I tried to tell her to move back home because I know Laura's mom already offered it, but she called me an AH again, because as a mother she can't live with her parents. Even though she can be a bit entitled, it's never been this bad, so her behaviour came as a surprise.
I gave her a few days to calm down, then I called to explain that while I love them both, I can't take them in. I've already helped Laura buy newborn essentials, and I told her I can help cleaning or cooking, so she can have some rest, but I can't do anything more.
I've recently been diagnosed with panic disorder, I'm at the end of my rope and I'm clearly not in the mental or emotional state to basically adopt a family.
She started crying and said that she's disappointed in me, because I have no idea what it means to be a mother, and I don't even try to understand her situation. Then she told me she's not sure anymore if they even need me in their life.
I feel guilty and terrible for not being able to do more for them, especially for Mia who doesn't deserve to grow up like this. I know Laura needs help because being a single mother is terrifying, but I can't do more. I can't do more.
She says a real friend wouldn't put herself first, but if I don't put myself first now, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to recover from this disorder. But maybe she's right, and I'm just being a selfish AH now. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
throwawaitay07
NTA. Laura has a consequence and now wants to freeload off of you? You might be dodging a bullet if she cuts you off.
Gypsyheartwanderer
Yep. That was a preview of her true behaviour. Be thankful you saw that before you agreed to let her move in!!! You can be a supportive friend without letting her move in and walk all over you - if that’s not good enough for her, then it’s her loss, not yours. NTA.
many_hobbies_gal
She acts just a little entitled??? No how about entitled in a major way. She's the one who got pregnant and quit her job because it was too hard. She has an expectation of everyone taking care of her in the manner SHE sees fit. Sorry that is not how the world works.
She should be able to find daycare and start working. Yes, being a parent, especially a single parent can be hard. This is what SHE chose. It's no reflection on you for drawing boundaries and not taking her in and supporting her. It's rather presumptuous of her to assume that this would be ok. I don't care if she has an abuse history in the past.
She's making these decisions and nobody else. You are NTA here and stick to your boundaries. She needs to figure this out and it's not on you to support her or her newborn daughter.
peonyhen
Yes, I read this wondering exactly how Laura thought this was going to play out??? NTA.
Vvvvvhonestopinion
NTA. If she’s a real friend, she would see that your are also struggling. She only cares about herself. I can’t believe she had the nerve to invite herself into your apartment. If you don’t put yourself first, WHO WILL?
Reevadare1990
NTA. Honey, Laura wants to move in with you instead of her parents because she knows her parents won’t let her foist all responsibility for the baby off on them. Asking, then tantruming didn’t work so now she’s going for emotional manipulation with tears and threats to cut you off.
Call her bluff and let her. Guarantee she’ll be back when she realizes no sane person without a sunk-cost fallacy will put up with her. In the meantime, think about what you put into this friendship versus what you gain. I suspect there is a HUGE imbalance. (If you think she is struggling emotionally/practically, contact her parents maybe)