Woman saw BFF's husband on a dating app; now she wants to disinvite them from her wedding. 'AITA?'
"WIBTA for not inviting my closest friend and her husband to my wedding?"
Here's the story:
I have known my best friend (Paige) and her husband (Karl) from university days. We were also flatmates for a few years. I was much closer to Paige and my relationship with Karl could be, at best, described as a distant friend.
Last year, when I was on a dating app, I happened to come across Karl's profile stating that he was looking for something casual. His profile was fairly detailed and consistent with what I know of him. After some contemplation, I decided to share this information with Paige.
I told her that I was unaware of their marriage dynamic and was in no way judging, but I did feel she should know that this information is out there. Paige told me that it was a case of impersonation and that they planned to file a complaint with the cyber crime cell.
She also mentioned that I should never bring this up with Karl, and that she would not tell him how she got this information. I agreed, and we left the matters at that.
However, since this incident, things have changed quite a bit. Karl has stopped all forms of communication entirely. I am not invited to their house for any celebrations or gatherings (previously I was invited frequently). When I invite them both, Karl has declined the invite (through Paige) every single time. Karl has not acknowledged any gifts I have given him lately.
Recently, I decided to have an open conversation with Paige. I told her that I felt that the group dynamic had shifted quite noticeably. I also asked if it had anything to do with the dating profile. I requested clarity on the situation to help me draw my own boundaries.
This is what Paige had to say:
Karl still doesn't know her source of information about the dating app, and that I shouldn't ever bring this up with him (I wasn't planning to).
Me never being invited to their home or for any plans even with our common friends for over a year (even though I live 20 minutes away) is just a matter of chance.
She wants all of Karl's interaction with me to happen via her because she wants it like that (she said so explicitly)
I shouldn't create a fuss and that it shouldn't matter to me if someone doesn't like me (while also simultaneously saying that if Karl didn't like me, she wouldn't tell me because that's private between them). I should take whatever response Karl gives me "in my stride"
I should invite Karl to my wedding but not directly and the invite must be through G and that I shouldn't worry if he refuses to attend. I should expected Karl to not attend, but if he does then I should treat it like a 'pleasant surprise'
This whole situation has become uncomfortable for me and I am now contemplating not inviting them both to my wedding. WIBTA for not inviting my closest friend and her husband to my wedding?
Here's what top commenters had to say:
fIumpf said:
NTA. What I think is you caught Karl trying to or in the process of cheating and were being a good friend by telling Paige. Paige has made her choice to stay with Karl. I get the feeling he knows it was you, despite Paige’s claim of not revealing her source, because he probably saw your profile on the site around the same time he got caught.
I wouldn’t invite either of these people. There are way too many conditions on your relationship with them and it’s setting you up to fail.
Heavy_Sand5228 said:
I think it’s funny that he’s the one setting all these boundaries when it was him that was (most likely) attempting to cheat. But yeah this is a bunch of immature nonsense on their part, and it’s not good to have that around in your wedding.
west_of_edem said:
She's no longer your friend and neither is her husband. It would be best to cut contact with them.
bendybiznatch said:
“I really don’t appreciate being gaslighted when I tried to talk to you directly. Not being invited to things for a year is obviously on purpose. I don’t know what’s going on but I’m not going to be involved or try to figure it out. If you’d like to have a conversation that makes sense let me know.” Honestly though I’d just ghost the sh*t out of them. It’s not worth the energy.
disney_nerd_mom said:
NTA. She isn’t your friend anymore. Don’t invite them and don’t engage with her anymore. I’ll bet she’ll reach out all pikachu face when she realizes no invite. Just say it’s an intimate occasion and You’ve invited friends and family that support and care for you and it’s quite obvious from her reaction to the profile that she and Karl don’t fall into that dynamic. Then just move on. You deserve a better friend.
mustng66 said:
NTA - Don't invite these nutcases. For why would you have anything to do with them now they have excess drama baggage? Sounds like 8 simple rules to date my daughter that are so onerous that guess what, no one want to date your daughter. Write these two off, you're done.
And Heraonolympia123 said:
Are you sure Karl knows about any of these gifts or invitations etc? Because your friend is making it sound like she just doesn't want you together for whatever reason. Maybe because she hasn't done anything about the dating profile and doesn't want you to mention it (even though you said you wouldn't).