Dealing with a friend's boyfriend that you don't like can be deeply frustrating.
There's not much to do when you know your friend can do better romantically. but they don't. For the most part, you're tasked with grinning and bearing it while they make their choices, or awkwardly confronting dynamics you can't be around. Neither of these feel good.
AITA for not allowing my friend to invite her BF on a group holiday after he 'complimented' me?
I (28F) have a friend, Lucy, also 28. We've been friends for around 5 years and she's been dating her BF Harvey for just over a year. Harvey has given me a bad vibe from day one. I find him abrasive and overbearing, and while I realize everyone's relationship is different, his idea of what is appropriate to say about his relationship in company really rubs me the wrong way.
All of our mutual friends have recognized these things about Harvey, but we all tolerate him for Lucy's sake, and he has formed friendships with some of our BFs. I organized a group holiday in June, and invited our core friend group + partners. I am paying for the travel and accommodation for everyone. Last week, a few of us went out for drinks.
The conversation turned to exercise and I made a joke about how I force myself to go to pilates so that I can maintain my figure for my BF. Harvey then said something to the effect of me being a 'dream woman' and he wished Lucy would make the effort for him and that I should invite her to pilates with me. He also made an absolutely vile comment about how 'flexible' I must be.
Everyone at our table looked shocked that he would say something like that, except Lucy who just looked embarrassed. I told Harvey that that was an extremely rude and creepy thing to say, but he doubled down and said that he hadn't insulted me and that I should stop being so uptight.
The more I thought about it, the more I felt upset by what Harvey said, and the less I felt comfortable with seeing him in future and especially with him coming on the trip. I don't like him, but now I feel like I'll have to hyperconscious of his behaviour. It might be a slight overreaction and maybe he didn't mean anything by it but now even when I think of him I just feel slimy.
My bf said I shouldn't have to have someone staying with me that creeps me out and ultimately I agreed, so I called Lucy and said I would really prefer if Harvey didn't come on the trip in light of the way he'd behaved when I last saw him. Lucy said I was overreacting to what Harvey said, it was a compliment, and in any case, it was just the alcohol talking.
She said if he didn't go she wouldn't be able to go either and that I just wanted excuse to exclude him because I'd never liked him and was always judging him. I wasn't budging and once she realized, she hung up. She has now gone and told everyone in the group that I won't allow him to come and it's split the group pretty evenly.
Some of our friends think it's fair that I don't want him there since I am paying for the trip, while others think it's a bit heavy-handed since it will mean Lucy can't go on the trip either, and if she's not offended by what he said I shouldn't be either.
My boyfriend is really not keen on Harvey coming because they don't have the best relationship but says if it's that important that Lucy comes then I should probably just give in.
NTA. Never apologize for cutting a creep out of your life. If Lucy wants to go with him, that’s her prerogative. That wasn’t a compliment and even Lucy knows it. Gross.
NTA. You shouldn't have to pay for the vacation of someone you actively don't trust. It might do you some good to have a private, in person sit-down with Lucy where you really hash it out with Lucy, and you explain what Harvey does that freaks you out so much.
Because as far as Lucy is concerned, you're not doing this out of a fear for your own safety or anything like that, you're reneging on a promise all because of a drunken foot-in-mouth situation. Lucy thinks you're being a dick to her boyfriend 'just because you don't like him', and she might be more understanding if she realizes this is continuous, uncomfortable feeling of his repeated actions and character.
Lucy doesn't understand the why. Talking and laying things out for her plainly might change that. Of course, it might not. Truth of the matter is when someone is used to 'protecting' someone they care about they'll have a million different shields in place to defend that person, and this can often lead to anyone who calls out their attitude as being an enemy (trust me, I say this from personal experience). Good luck.
NTA. You are doing your best to discourage this behaviour but it's not getting better AND you are paying for the trip so you are in a position to choose if he comes or not. BTW whats the thing with one person paying for the whole group trip? I've seen this here multiple times, is that a thing in the US? I'm from the EU and we don't do that at all.
NTA. A few things here:
Harvey should, at the very least, apologize to you for what he said. Alcohol or not, that was incredibly inappropriate. If everyone is shocked, that's saying something.
No amount of alcohol is an excuse to say anything like this about anyone, whether that's your own partner or someone else - even worse knowing you have a bf. You are the one paying for this trip, so it's ultimately up to you to decide who does and doesn't get to go with you.
If Lucy doesn't see anything wrong with what her partner has said about one of her friends (she should be grossed out and berate him, instead of defending him). Her not being upset by what her bf told you, doesn't mean you can't/shouldn't be. The fact that your friend, Lucy, is trying to set up the whole group of friends against you, is very telling. Instead of trying to talk to you like an adult, she just acts toxic.
It sucks that the friend group is now on the fence about whether to pick your or Lucy's side, even though it seems most of them don't like Harvey and his behaviour. This could possibly ruin your trip with them, especially if you bring those who'd rather pick Lucy's side.
In any case, I'm sorry this happened to you, and I hope you will find a way to maybe have this fixed. Perhaps ask Lucy to have a one-on-one talk?
NTA. You're allowed to invite and disinvite anyone for any reason. The things Harvey said made you incredibly uncomfortable, so I think it's fair to disinvite him, especially when you're paying for everything. It's just really sad and unfortunate you might have lose a friend due to all that, but please don't give in.
Clearly, OP is NTA, but the sad news is she might lose Lucy in the process.