Just over two years ago, I (f29) unexpectedly got pregnant and now have a beautiful 18 month old daughter, Ciara. Over that time my friends circle got considerably smaller, but my best friend remained, Mia (f31). Mia doesn’t have kids nor wants kids, but she’s been brilliant with Ciara.
I’m a SAHM and obviously don’t have as much time to hang out as I did previously. Mia and I live on the same street (we’re in Manchester, England) and it’s walking distance between our houses. I’ve told Mia numerous times that she can just pop in whenever she wants to (she works from home), but she rarely does.
She did this in the beginning, but it’s been happening less and less. Instead, she keeps suggesting we go out for coffee or pizza or even a drink, but I don’t have the time and always just tell her to come over and we’ll have coffee at my place.
She asked if I wanted to go out with her and her other friends for a drink last weekend, but I said that no, but she’s welcome to come over and we’ll have a few drinks at mine. She said she already had plans and it felt weird to drink when she knows there’s a child around.
Honestly, I feel neglected. I feel like she put me on a back burner and doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I’m always available, but she rarely comes over and I don’t think that’s fair.
Today, I saw her photos from Saturday night out and I was fuming. She ditched me just so she could go and drink like she’s 20 again. I felt rejected and horrible. I thought we were best friends, but she clearly doesn’t value me when she won’t even have a few drinks with me at my house.
When she finished work, she called and asked if I fancied going for coffee to town, but I asked her to come over again. She said yes, but before she disconnected, I heard her mumble “like always.” This really annoyed me.
When she came over, I decided to be open about everything. And while not my proudest or most mature moment, I shouted at her that she’s an awful friend, that she barely comes over, and if she doesn’t want to spend time with me to just say it and stop playing around.
She said she’s always been accommodating, but it’s been 2 years and she doesn’t want to spend time with me when there’s always a kid, especially now when she has to watch her language (Mia likes to swear). I said that she knew I had a child and responsibilities. And she said that Tom (my partner) could take care of Ciara once in a while so I could have a time off.
This felt really intrusive and I told her to mind her own business and not meddle on my marriage. I was really angry with her and kicked her out. She called me a selfish asshole on her way out.
Normally, I would expect her to call by now with apologies, but she hasn’t done so and I’m starting to wonder was I the a**hole or was she? Perhaps I was too harsh and should’ve been more careful with discussing it.
Here's how she was judged:
YTA. She didn't ditch you. She asked you to go out with her friends as she'd made plans. She's not drinking like she's 20, she's drinking like someone who doesn't have a child. PS, she's right. Your partner can look after your daughter once in a while. And should do, to try and bond with her.
Your partner should be stepping up so you can have some child free time. Just because you're a mother, doesn't mean you have to be tied to the home 24/7. So he's an AH here, but YTA too!
She kept trying to include you in her plans and you only ever wanted her to come over and hang out at your home so it was convenient for you. You expected her to make all the effort while you made none. YTA
YTA. I have some friends with kids that i can only see at their place. After a week of work, i want to hang out in the city, go to bars etc, not always drinking damn coffee at someones house, with their kids being around.
You gave birth to a child and decided to become a mother. Your friends are under no obligation to change their wants, needs, or lifestyles to accommodate the choices you make.