'AITA for not telling anyone what my mother wanted at her funeral, because it was expensive?'
Grief brings up some big feelings, and they can come out in intense ways.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for not telling anyone her mother's final wishes for her funeral. She wrote:
"AITA for not telling anyone what my mother wanted at her funeral, as it would have been so expensive?"
My mother wanted a very particular funeral, and only communicated this with me. When she passed, I didn't share her wishes with her partner as they were very extravagant and I knew he would want to do all of it. We planned a beautiful funeral for her, but it wasn't exactly as she had described to me and a few features were missed out.
This was months ago, but I recently accidentally told him in conversation that she had told me she wanted something at her funeral. Something that he was unaware of at the time, and something that we didn't do for her. He blew up in a rage and said my mother must be turning in her grave to know that I didn't act upon her wishes and do what she had asked.
He is livid with me for withholding this information from him and hasn't spoken to me since. AITA here? She had a beautiful ceremony, and I'm upset that he is no longer speaking to me about this.
Commenters had a lot of thoughts.
NanaLeonie wrote:
NTA. Imho, If your mother had truly wanted such an extravagant funeral, she would have (1) discussed it with her partner and (2) she would have prepaid for it.
GopherDog22 wrote:
YTA. If you were going to withhold that information from her partner, then you better make sure you don't share it months after the fact. Regardless of whether it was right or wrong to withhold your mother's wishes at the outset (I personally don't have an issue with not sharing but others may disagree), you were definitely an AH for sharing it after the fact when nothing could be changed.
AndSoItGoes24 wrote:
NTA. He can get over it, or not. But, truth is, he isn't angry with you. He's upset that she did not confide it to him. I am sorry for your loss. Truly. However, consider that what he said was a projection designed to wound and had nothing to do with you or your mother.
She isn't spinning in her grave. (No one does. Its just a worn expression.) FUNERALS ARE FOR THE LIVING, as they say. The deceased do not participate so much as they are honored, and we who remain get some consolation.
So, your mom isn't disappointed, upset, angry or anything else at the choices you made to celebrate her life during her funeral. If she had wanted to tell her partner the things she spoke to you about, she could have. She withheld from him. And so what? That was her right to do for whatever her reasons were. She put her trust elsewhere. That's what he's foaming at the mouth about.
Remarkable_Buyer4625 wrote:
YTA - General rule of thumb: If you have to lie about it (note: this is a lie of omission), it’s usually wrong. Being willing to pay for her wishes is a separate issue. You could have told her partner about her wishes and given them a chance to come up with the extra money to pay for it. You could have been clear about the amount of money you were willing to contribute. You took away their choice. Not cool.
Wide-Hunter30 wrote:
YTA for not telling us what she wanted. Can’t really give an honest answer if you’re being secretive about her requests.
Emotional-Stay-9582 wrote:
YTA - as that wasn’t your decision to make. (Sorry for your loss). Your mum also a bit of an AH for not writing her wishes down and not putting aside money/insurance to pay for it (apologies for speaking ill of your mother).
OP is clearly TA here, hopefully, she can understand a little more why her mom's partner feels so hurt.