Woman's husband/boss refuses to give her time off for surgery. AITA? UPDATED
'My (37f) husband (37m) is angry I need surgery'
As the title says. My husband and I have been together 15 years, house, kids the whole lot. I need a surgery to repair some nerve and artery damage to my arm or else I'm going to lose the use of that arm and my husband is not happy about it.
It's not even about money (public healthcare) or that he's scared/worried, no he's p*ssed because I will need time off work (we own a company together as equals) and he will need to adjust his days to work around our school aged kids while I recover.
He's stomping around and slamming doors like a child all p*ssy that his schedule will be affected and won't even talk to me about the surgery.
I'm so stressed about his reaction and all the things I'll have to do at home instead of recovery because he said he won't 'pick up my slack' that I'm just thinking stuff it, no surgery and just wait till I can't use my arm anymore and at least I'll get funded home help for the housework and kids when that happens and try to adjust to a new lifestyle.
But you would think after being together this long and building a life together he would have some ability to show me a bit of support.
It's not like I'm doing this on purpose just to ruin his plans or something, I'd prefer not to have surgery too but I have kinda grown fond of having 2 functional arms.
So good people of Reddit, what advice do you have? I think my husband is being a complete C U Next Tuesday about this, but should I try to be more understanding of the stress he would be under?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
You're having one surgery. This is nothing. Imagine how this man who's committed to you will treat you if you get REALLY sick? When you get old? When you need his support much more than this?
Will this guy stick around for all that? He's showing you. Pay attention. Plan accordingly.
And if the situation is flipped, how much do you wanna bet this guy is the most dramatic person in the world and expects to be waited on hand and foot?
Op, ask him what he would expect from you if he was in your shoes. Or, is he even capable of feeling empathy for others?
This. I was diagnosed with breast cancer last fall. I’ve been through two surgeries, months of chemo, radiation, and now oral chemo and hormone suppression medicines. I haven’t been functional for almost a year.
My husband has taken care of almost everything in our house and with our kids so that I can focus on treatment and recovery. As he should! And all without any temper tantrums despite how miserable a situation were in.
Your husband’s behavior is unacceptable and disproportionate to the level of disruption a single surgery creates.
Tell him you need both arms because you want to be able to flip him off as you toss him divorce papers with the other hand.
I guess y’all wrote your own vows that omitted “in sickness and in health.”
'It's not even about money (public healthcare) or that he's scared/worried, no he's p*ssed because I will need time off work (we own a company together as equals) and he will need to adjust his days to work around our school aged kids while I recover.'
EXCUSE ME?
Is he f*cking serious? It's not a holiday to Ibiza alone it's SURGERY that you NEED?! He is a disgusting person, I am sorry so misogynistic!
I'm really sorry that you are going through something like this, but I would sit down and really think about your relationship and discuss these feelings with him. You deserve much better than this, esp after 15 years.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update:
'Update: My (37f) husband (37m) is angry I need surgery'
Hi all. So it's been quite a ride since my first post and it hasn't even been that long!
First of all thank you to everyone who commented, I didn't think it would blow up the way it did! I read nearly every comment but wow it was a lot.
Those of you who said it was fake or said I was lying, all I can say is I'm am so glad you are able to think that because hopefully that means you have love and support in your life.
Ok so most important thing first, I have an appointment with a surgeon on Tuesday. I'm making the choice to have the surgery. I have organised childcare and will be driving myself to the appointment as my husband is too busy at work to come with.
I spoke to him yesterday about the surgery, my feelings and needs. I used 'I' statements to try not to make him feel like I was accusing him or attacking him but honestly it was like talking to a brick wall. One word answers, shoulder shrugs, 'uh huh's.
I tried asking how he was feeling about it or what he needed. Nothing worked. I finally kind of lost it and asked why he thinks this is no big deal and not worthy of his attention at all and well turns out he 'doesn't think it's that bad' and I'm just being dramatic.
I mean if you ignore the drs reports, the imaging reports, the diagnostic tests and the surgeons report....I'm still not being dramatic!
I still work full time, do all the house and kid duties, run all the errands and never use my arm as an excuse.
So long story short, I'm seeing the surgeon next week and my husband and I are in separate beds for the time being because I can't deal with his face right now.
Everything else I will work out later once I have more of a concrete plan with my surgery. But thank you everyone, you helped me balls up and take my own health seriously and do what I needed to do.
Here were the top rated comments after this latest update from the OP:
Does he contribute anything besides money to the relationship? Jeez. You already do everything. Is this the level of support you’ll get from him when y’all are aging.
If you can’t count on him when you need him the most do you really need him?
That is the best line: if you can’t count on him when you need him the most, do you really need him?
Hundred bucks says he’s the type to milk a cold.
She's only 37- I sincerely hope she doesn't waste the rest of her life with a man who acts like she only exists to support him and has no intention of ever supporting her in return.
Her husband is an idiot. He belittles her need for surgery. What happens if she loses the full use of her arm, have more tantrums? Unbelievable.
OP needs to return the husband and get a refund.
She actually considered losing the use of her arm because her husband wasn’t happy about her surgery ??!!! What did I just read ??
Wake up woman !! He doesn’t care about you. At all.