'I think my wife is in love with her female best friend. I don't know what to do.' UPDATED 2x

"I [30M] think my wife [29F] is in love with her female best friend."

ThrowRApalmayqueso

I have been married to my wife for seven years and we met eight years ago in a church meeting and we became friends. My wife is a quiet, kind and beautiful woman, any man's dream. Therefore, it was obvious that I fell for her instantly, although she always behaved with what I thought was shyness, not wanting to cuddle with me or only kissing me on rare occasions.

We both were raised in Christian families in a part of our country that is really religious, but unlike me, her parents were always the type who follows the Holy Doctrine really seriously so she has a traditional way of thinking about religion and how women should behave. So, I always tought that it was because of that her behavior is like that.

Sometimes I think she looks like a robot, she's nice and kind with everyone but a couple of times I saw her staying all quiet staring into space like if she was dead. Over the years I began to take it as something normal for her personality because she always refused to go to the psychologist and always said that she's just like that.

Until two months ago, when she found out that the woman who was her best friend in high school was coming back to the town. I never saw her so happy and alive. I felt happy for her, thinking that what she needed was a female friend.

My wife never used to leave the house but since that woman is staying in the town she has been going out as much posible. She became a different person, but not in a bad way.

She looks full of life and to be honest I never saw her smile as much as when she tells me that she will go out with her friend for a coffee. For the record, I'm sure she's not sleeping with her because she doesn't know how to lie and her behavior with me never changed.

I'm not going to deny it, days ago I started to feel jealous of that woman, that she is the reason why my wife smiles so much and is on her phone all day. Out of pure curiosity three days ago I entered her FB and some albums were public.

She had a lot of álbums and I found pictures of her and my wife during high school. That woman was hugging my wife as if they were a couple, in some of the photos they were holding hands or looking at each other with bright smiles which is something she never does with me.

Her family isn't very accepting of people different from them. Although my wife never talked ill about them, but just avoided talking about certain topics, which now makes sense to me.

I don't know whether to confront her because maybe I'm just thinking too much or maybe she's in love with her ex-girlfriend? The only thing I'm sure of is that she only looks happy talking about that woman so I don't know what to do.

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's post:

Particular-Use-6913

I think it’s possible for your wife to be in love with her friend, but it sounds more like your wife just really needed a friend.

I’m a new-ish mother; I have 2 kids under 3. Although I love my husband and I enjoy spending time with him, it’s so nice to have friends to talk to and check in on me. For one of my children’s birthdays we went back to our hometown for a party and I got in touch with a few of my old friends.

It felt like something I needed without really realizing that I missed it being gone. It felt great to have my old friends thinking about me and sending me jokes that appeased our humor as children.

If you decide to ask your wife about it, try not to sound accusatory and maybe just ask about the friendship she had with this woman when they met. Maybe invite the friend to do something with you both to show your wife that you’re interested in her friend life and that will help you get a better understanding of the nature of their friendship.

Even_World_5149

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that some women I know that have been raised very religious, have been raised to be somewhat subservient and therefore aren't able to be vulnerable or completely open with their male partners. This is just an observation.

Perhaps your wife feels she's able to open up and be completely herself with this woman and "let loose" more than she can with say you for instance. The examples you gave don't necessarily show that she's in love with her but maybe more comfortable to be her true self with her. Again, I'm totally speculating based on observations and in no way am I condoning anything.

The OP quickly provided an update on the same post.

ThrowRApalmayqueso

Thanks for the advice in my previous post. Although I got few replies, everyone was very friendly. I decided to confront my wife and ask about the photos with her friend during high school. Everyone in the post said that they are most likely just friends and made my mind feel more at peace, thinking that I was overthinking.

But, when I showed her the photos she began to breathe fast in what I think was a panic attack. I helped her to calm but then she got upset because I spied on her friend's FB. I knew she was trying to change the subject because she loves to do that, so I got serious and told her to talk.

After a few long minutes full of her trying to change the topic, she ended up telling me everything: Indeed, she and her friend used to be a couple during high school and friends since Kindergarten.

They kept the relationship a secret, pretending to be only best friends, until my wife's parents found out and separated them. Her friend moved to the capital that year and they never saw each other again. But for what my wife said and showed, they never stopped loving each other.

At some point in the conversation, my wife stopped calling her friend by name and, without realizing, she started calling her "Mi amor." This hurt me because, in all the years we have been married, she never called me anything like that.

I asked her if she was cheating on me with her friend and she said that they never kissed or anything but I'm sure she's emotionally cheating me. She doesn't know what that concept is, so she really believes she's not doing anything wrong.

The reason why her friend never wanted to meet me or even go to our wedding is because she hates to see 'her' love married to a man she doesn't even like and says she's living a lie. Ouch. I asked my wife if she loves me and she said yes, but like a best friend. Yes, my own wife just friendzoned me.

She cried a lot saying that she's really sorry for lying to me. When we meet we really clicked as friends and she told me that her parents insisted she marry me so she could 'heal'. That explained why she never liked to hug, cuddle or do anything romantic with me. It wasn't because she was shy but because she didn't liked me.

I wanted to lose my temper and yell at her, I wanted to cry and even run away because I was patient and empathetic with all the times she rejected my affection and I felt alone.

I've even been thinking for years that maybe I'm a bad husband and I was treating her badly without realizing it, feeling insecure about my own personality. But, she assured me that I was never the problem. I didn't cried or yell, I just left the house and came to my sister's house.

We didn't talked about divorce or anything like that. I even think my wife doesn't see any problem with what she did with her friend but I'm sure that I don't want to spend all my life in a loveless marriage with a woman that will never love me back.

I'm sorry for the long post, I'm just venting at this point but I feel like I wasted all my youth. I didn't expected to update so fast but I needed to talk about that. It's not like I don't feel bad for her, I do, but now I feel even worse for myself.

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:

ReaderRabbit23

I don’t think your wife is “in love” with her friend. I do think she loves her friend and her friend loves her. Women’s friendships can be really close. It sounds like your wife missed her friend a lot. She’s happy to have her in her life again. It’s not sexual, even with the holding hands. Men often have a hard time understanding women’s friendships.

The OP responded here:

ThrowRApalmayqueso

I referred to the way they held hands especially because my wife and I never held hands, When we started dating every time I tried she told me to not hug her or hold her hands because "she doesn't like romantic things", I always respected her boundaries about that so I did get confused when I saw her in pictures like that with another person.

ReaderRabbit23

Ask her. My guess is that if you and she hold hands, that’s “romantic.” If she and her friend hold hands, that’s friendship. In Europe women walk arm in arm all the time. It has no romantic connotation. I think you’ll feel better if you just ask her, in a non judgmental fashion. Tell her you’re confused about it.

YamahaRyoko

Its possible. My wife gets pretty happy when a friend asks her out. Sometimes I push her to do it. Text someone. Find something to do. Doesn't get out enough. But boy when she gets a response, she's running upstairs to get ready. Then shes out for 2-3 hours longer than she said she would be ? Life at home is always mundane, going through the same motions every single day.

moonkittiecat

I think your intuition is telling you something and you should listen to it. 1. There are no times at all where your wife seems to sparkle with joy in your presence. She does with her friend. 2. Your wife says she doesn’t like open displays of affection. She does with her. 3. You naturally want to meet the person bringing your wife such joy. Neither of them will allow it.

If you think it’s better not to confront this, then don’t. But I think you are telling us as much as you can. You are picking up on some sublet hints and deep in your heart you know you are right. You know when you’ve been lied to.

Can you hire someone to watch them? Or just find out about her friend’s back ground? It sounds like her friend doesn’t want to meet you because you are the spouse she wanted to be.

Four days later, the OP returned with what they said will be their final update.

"Final Update: I think my wife is in love with her female best friend."

ThrowRApalmayqueso

Maybe nobody remembers my two first posts, but I wanted to at least post a final update because I'm really thankful for all the kind comments and advice I received. You have all been helping me a lot.

I came back to my house the day after my last update and my ex-wife was there laying on the couch. The first thing I said when I entered was, "We're going to divorce." Maybe that wasn't the best way of saying it but she has a habit of changing the topic when I want to talk about serious things, so I didn't wanted her to do that this time.

She clearly didn't expected that and started to cry and have an anxiety attack saying that we can't divorce, that I can't do that to us. But what hit me harder was her saying, "There's no point in us breaking up, the fact that I don't love you doesn't change anything." Which is true. I realized that our relationship was always like that, her treating me just like a friend and me accepting that kind of trait.

She said that she never cheated or anything like that even after I explained again what "Emotional cheating" is. I told her that she's not even attracted to men, so there's no sense in staying married because we're just not for each other. I asked her if she still loved her best friend and she didn't deny it but kept insisting that we shouldn't divorce.

I can understand why she was so desperate, but it made me feel used. I was her pathetic beard who she can always use as a shield for herself or a dog who will always be happy with the smallest token of affection. I don't need her signature anyway to get a divorce, so even if she doesn't want to, we're 100% going to break up.

I told her I'm not going to force her out of the closet, but if anyone asks I'll just say the truth avoiding the sexuality topic because I don't want people gossiping and assuming things that didn't happened.

Our house and basically all the things of the things in it are mine. Maybe I'm an ahole for this but I told her that I will not give her anything because it's all mine and I inherited the land from my grandfather. At this point she just looked sad and defeated so she didn't complain or anything. Although I will get advice from a lawyer to be sure.

I told her that she can stay until December in the house and she answered that she will probably have to move back in with her parents which actually made me feel bad because my ex-in-laws are not good people from what she has said. She's still talking with her best friend so luckily she's not alone. The conversation finished awkwardly with me just leaving.

For now I'm staying at my sister's house, I can have time for myself since she and my other sisters are out of the province for a concert. I didn't talked with my ex-wife after that day and she didn't tried to contact me.

But, I know that she told my ex-in-laws about the divorce because they wanted to contact me to ask why we're divorcing. But I just answered that "These are things that need to be resolved only between her and me".

So, this will be probably my last update because I will go NC with my ex-wife after the divorce. We don't have children. Sometimes she started talks about having a baby and now I feel really relieved that I always said that I didn't felt ready. Maybe something in me was already telling me that she wasn't for me. Now we don't have anything that ties us together.

I have been going to the psychologist since I was a child so I think that has helped me a lot to channel my emotions. Many in the comments said that I shouldn't have empathy or things like that for her but we're both broken people that suffer from religious trauma and I know how bad that messes people's minds and hearts.

Some people in the coments where confused about why I stayed with her when she clearly didn't loved me romantically. I don't know, maybe I always justified her actions because somehow I felt identified with her.

Maybe I have a hero complex or maybe my sense of duty is too strong that I felt internally tied up with her and responsible for making her happy as her husband, even if she always rejected my romantic love. I don't know, that's something I will talk and work with my Psychologist.

Also, I received questions like why I married her In the first place. She was the one who said "We should get married." And I was inmature and young at that time and because we got along well I thought it was a good idea.

For now I just want to divorce and then spend time with my family. In general I feel numb and weird. I haven't cried yet and in the session yesterday my psychologist told me that he thinks I already grieved the relationship long time ago, even if I didn't realize it.

I don't feel like I lost a wife but like a lost a close and good friend and company, not a heartbreak pain but a betrayal pain. Anyway, I don't want anything to do with her anymore. Maybe I'm being a bad person for abandoning her knowing the type of life she had but I can't save a person who doesn't want to be saved and I'm tired of trying.

For now I will just say goodbye maybe not to a woman I saw as the love of my life but to a woman who helped me and was a good friend for years. I'm really thankful about the kind comments people left, even some mean ones which make me think that maybe I'm too quiet with how I reacted, that's something wrong?

I was never the temperamental type. I'm sorry if the update is a boring one and not about me starting my villain era, but that's not my style haha. Thanks everyone!

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's final update:

Alistocracy

Sad situation all around. Seems like the wife was pressured to marry a man and hide her sexuality due to their religious upbringing. Always seeming as he said “like a robot” because she didn’t even love him.

At the same time the husband was innocent, blaming himself the whole time thinking he did something wrong. Awful situation man, I feel bad for both of them but the husband definitely didn’t deserve to go through any of this.

Strooperman

Very sad all round. Homophobia is responsible for so much needless suffering.

throw4455away

Forcing people to go against their grain doesn’t just harm the person in question, others get dragged into it. Unfortunately OP is collateral damage of religious homophobia.

Abood2807

Idc what anyone says she cheated on him for a while used his love and friendship and blindesided him for years she may not be as bad as her parents but she is not that far from it.

Greyrift

Wow, she lied to him for 8 years and he still feels guilty about dumping her. He's a better man than me, I'd have kicked her out asap.

So a pretty wild ride. If you could give the OP any advice, what would it be?

Additional note: English is not the OP's first language, so some grammatical edits were made while trying to stay true to the OP's tone and intention.