'AITA for wanting to bring my boyfriend to my family’s Christmas celebration?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for wanting to bring my boyfriend to my family’s Christmas celebration?"

I (f23) have been dating my current bf (m28) for 4 months and I am totally smitten. He is the sweetest, smartest, kindest, most caring guy i’ve ever met and I feel so lucky to have found him.

We met at the start of the new semester at our university. He’s a graduate student and was running a tutoring group I joined (i’m a senior getting my bachelors.) We hit it off immediately and found that we had a ton in common - including the same hometown.

We even went to the same high school - although we never met previously. He graduated the year before I started my freshman year, but he was in the same grade as my sister. I asked if he knew her and he said yes they ran in the same circles but they hadn’t kept in touch since graduation.

We spent the last four months growing super close and we were talking about maybe bringing each other to our family holiday celebrations. We didn’t get to do thanksgiving but we decided to do Christmas together and i was so excited.

I hadn’t told my parents or sister I was seeing anyone so I decided to call and let them know and also to make sure it wasn’t an issue if he came to our Christmas celebration this year.

My mom was super excited for me when I told her all about bf and my dad said he sounded like a nice young man and he would be glad to meet him. I then called my sister and told her the news and even joked that it would be like a high school reunion for her. She was initially excited to meet a new bf but when I told her who it was her mood changed dramatically.

She told me she would not be comfortable having a stranger at her family’s Christmas and that she was sorry but he couldn’t come. I was a bit shocked and asked her to explain because she is very outgoing and never had a problem with strangers before (this isn’t the first bf one of us has brought home for the holidays).

I asked if she had not liked him in high school or something and that’s why she didn’t want him to come. She said no and she barely even remembered him. I asked if she would feel better meeting him before Christmas so it’s not overwhelming on the actual holiday. She got really firm and told me that she didn’t want to meet him before, during, or after Christmas and to drop it. She then hung up on me.

She texted me a little later that it was rude of me to keep trying to force her to meet someone she doesn’t want to and she hopes I won’t bring it up again.

This makes no sense as my sister is not usually like this. I asked my mom about it but she is just as confused as I am and said she would talk to her for me. I obviously won’t bring my bf if it makes my sister uncomfortable- I just wish she would give me a good reason. Especially since she basically said she NEVER wants to meet him. I’m just so confused. AITA?

Here's what people had to day:

Curious-One4595 said:

NTA. Clearly there’s more to the story that your sister, and maybe your bf, aren’t telling you. Your sister’s ask isn’t reasonable, absent an explanation and valid reason. You’re not being rude.

Touch-Me-There said:

This has super strong vibes of that other post, where someone was dating their siblings bully and then got pissed when they didn't want them in their home. Just because he's good to you doesn't mean he's good to everyone else. I do believe your sister owes you an explanation though. NAH

And SayerSong said:

NTA. She is not hosting Christmas in her house. Your parents are. They said it is okay, so that’s all that matters. But be warned, because your sister most definitely knows and remembers your BF, and there is more to this story than she (possibly they) are telling you.

Maybe she had a massive crush on him that she never got over. Maybe he dated and dumped a close friend of hers. Maybe she dated a close friend of his and he treated her poorly. Maybe one of them was a bully to the other or someone close to that person.

Maybe he had a crush on her and she felt uncomfortable. There are so many possibilities, but her sudden switch in attitude once she found out who his is most definitely means something’s up. So I would suggest trying to find out what that something is, before it ruins Christmas.

A few days later, she shared this update:

I talked to my boyfriend last night and he also seemed confused. i asked him to please be honest with me and to let me know if anything went on between them beyond just running in the same circles. He told me no and they had only ever hung out in groups. she was really more a friend of a friend and he had a long term gf he was committed to throughout high school so he didn’t even hook up with her.

She also never bullied him and, from his perspective, he never bullied her. He said they were always friendly/civil and never so much as got in an argument. He doesn’t know what her issue with him is. there’s obviously more to this story from my sisters side so I have to try to speak to her again. Probably in a few days when I go home for the Holidays.

Commenters encouraged her to continue to push for more info from her sister. So she did—and that's when the truth finally came out. She followed up with this update:

I got home on Wednesday, went to dinner with my sister, and she was acting as if nothing had happened. Finally I just brought it up, and she immediately got upset with me. She told me to just leave it alone. I told her that I have very strong feelings for this man and if she has an issue with him I would like to know what it is so I can make an informed decision about my relationship.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who had hurt my sister or was a bad person.

She told me he never hurt her, he didn’t bully her, and she simply didn’t want a strange man at her family’s Christmas. This just pissed me off and I pointed out she is bringing her boyfriend of 7 months.

She said it’s different bc i already met her bf. I told her technically she’s already met mine and I offered for them to re-meet before and she shut me down. The conversation really didn’t go anywhere productive and we both left mad.

That night I ended up messaging my sisters childhood best friend to see if she knew anything about my boyfriend. I played it as “did you know my bf in high school?” rather than “wtf is my sisters problem?!” She confirmed his name and then asked if my sister knew yet. A red flag went up and I said yes and she doesn’t seem happy. She then asked to call me.

A lot of you were right and it turns out my sister was “obsessed” with my bf from 7th grade all the way until they graduated and went to college in different states. I asked her if there was more to it than that because I can’t believe my grown sister would act this way over a little crush & she told me it wasn’t a little crush - she was legit in love with him.

Since she said “in love” I asked if my boyfriend knew or if anything had happened between them and she said as far as she knew he didn’t know and they for sure had never hooked up, to my sisters extreme displeasure.

She pined for him for years and was devastated when he started dating one of their other friends freshman year. She would show up to his work with other guys, only go to parties if she knew he was going, hooked up with his best friend to try and make him jealous, and once even tried to break up him and his girlfriend.

When my bf and his then gf did eventually breakup senior year my sister thought it was her big moment but he never even gave her a second glance. Apparently she’s held a small torch for him all these years still and her friend says she thinks she would still want to be with him if he would have her and she’s probably just jealous.

I am sort of relieved. Some of the comments on my OG post had me extra scared for what I was gonna find, but now I’m also pissed off. She’s really going to ice my boyfriend out of our family events over a high school crush that she never even told him about?

I do feel for her, it sucks when you really like someone and they don’t like you back, but I’m upset she wouldn’t just tell me and made it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. I’m going to try to talk to her one more time and let her know I know about her crush and hopefully we can deal with this like adults.

12 days later OP came back with this '"final update":

hi all! sorry for the wait - with the holidays i totally forgot about the post. when i finally logged in this morning i saw tons of messages and notifications asking for an update so I’m here to do just that. I hope it’s okay to post here again - if not feel free to delete and I will post on my profile!

Update: My mom did end up bringing up the matter of my sisters crush when they went gift shopping a week before Christmas. I wasn’t there but my mom told me she seemed ashamed and embarrassed when she realized we all knew about it. My sister told her it wasn’t that big of a deal and tried to say that wasn’t why she didn’t want my boyfriend to come.

My mom pushed her and said to give her a real reason or she would be inviting my boyfriend to all future family functions i attended and she didn’t want to hear another word about it. She said my sister got sort of upset but finally did admit she just felt weird that the guy she liked so much never noticed her but noticed her little sister and she just felt “icky” about the whole situation.

She didn’t want to be around him as it would make her feel like that desperate insecure teenager all over again and she was super embarrassed by her teenage self. My mom told her that was valid but she doesn’t get to dictate who I date and bring around based on a high school crush. She suggested my sister speak to me and try to come to an understanding.

My mom called to tell me this after she got home and I kind of expected sister to call me that evening but she didn’t. I was going to wait to speak with my bf until after I had this conversation with my sister but I ended up hanging out with him that night and just told him everything I had learned.

He apologized for anything he had done to play a part it in and I told him he had nothing to be sorry for from my understanding of the situation and I would understand if he no longer wanted to be with me if he was now uncomfortable. He told me i was absolutely batshit crazy for thinking he would leave me over something like this.

I showed him both reddit posts and we laughed over some of the crazy far fetched comments and he reminded me to take people's opinions with a grain of salt next time i seek internet counsel.

My sister did end up calling me the next day and asked to come over to speak with me. When she got to my parents house she looked very sheepish and immediately apologized for acting crazy and shutting down me bringing my boyfriend without talking to me to first. I thanked her for apologizing and asked her to explain her reasoning in her own words.

She basically told me the same thing she told my mom about being embarrassed and uncomfortable. I asked if she still had feelings for my boyfriend and she chuckled and said no- that ship has long sailed and she really truly is happy in her current relationship (her bf also knows everything about this situation as she confided in him).

She just doesn’t want to face my bf knowing how intense her feelings were and she feels there is no way he couldn’t have noticed. I assured her he said he has no bad memories of her and is interested in getting to know her as my sister with a clean slate. My sister said she would try to move past her discomfort and was looking forward to seeing us both at Christmas.

So with that my bf did end up coming to Christmas and it was great. My sister gave him a bit of an awkward greeting and they didn’t interact a ton but we all played games together and my parents loved him. My Bf was super nice to sister and he said he didn’t feel uncomfortable in the slightest.

It was honestly so lovely and i feel like the awkwardness my sister is feeling will fade with time. She texted me after her and her bf left that we made a great couple and she was again sorry for almost ruining my Christmas. I told her I forgive and love her always.

Thank you all again for all of your comments, advice, suggestions, and support. I really do love reddit sometimes!