'AITA for calling out my daughter because I won't see my grandkid for Christmas?' UPDATED
"AITA for calling out my daughter because I won't see my grandkid for Christmas?"
I need an outside opinion. I (46F) have been having problem with my daughter Sara (24). It began when she eloped with her husband three years ago, me and my husband were really sad that we couldn't see her get married or even know about it until it was over.
We were sad but got over it, it was her day and if she didn't want anyone there then that was that. We talk on the phone or met up at least ever week so it was a huge suprise.
Then they moved down two states, its would be a trip to visit so we still talk on the phone more instead of visits. So for holidays we would visit or they would visit. This year at Thanksgiving she brought a surprise, her son Dave (1 month).
I didn't even know she was pregnant, we talked all the time and nothing. Again was sad we missed such a large milestone in her life but didn't say anything. We were happy to met the grandbaby.
I called today to ask about what they wanted me to bring out for the baby for the Christmas visit, the old baby bed and whatnot. Sara told me that they will not be coming up for Christmas, I asked if we were going down this year? She said no that just nuclear family for Dave's first christmas.
I asked if we could facetime christmas morning or that day to see Dave and there tree and she said no. After that conversation I talked to my husband. We are both sad again and tired of missing milestones in Sara's life, I sent Sara a text that me and her dad are going to take a step back. (Low contact).
She called and asked what this was about, I told her and it broke into an argument. That it is her life and she can do what she wants with her kid and so on. I told her she clearly doesn't want us involved in her life and we are stepping out for now. She called me an @$$. So AITA here? I need a second opinion
Here's what top commenters had to say:
DisneyFoodie20 said:
There have to be some missing pieces here. There's no way your relationship with her pre-elopement was as healthy as you're stating if she's putting this much effort into distancing herself from you. And the fact that your gut reaction to disagreeing with her choice was to go low contact instead of talking to her about why she's distancing herself is a HUGE red flag. Something's not right here. YTA.
TCTX73 said:
Usually when adult children are hiding big parts of their lives, it's because the person they are hiding it from stomps boundaries. Take a really good look at how you've behaved over her lifetime, did you ignore her boundaries? If not, then it could be her relationship. He could be isolating her and convincing her that she needs to stay away.
auntiedreamsbig said:
I would like to hear your daughter's side of the story. There seems to be a lot of missing parts. Also wanting to have baby's first christmas with just the nuclear family is reasonable. Face timing all the relatives can be a distraction and ruin the christmas mood. It just depends on the family dynamic.
Slight-Bar-534 said:
NTA. But something importantly missing. No one forgets to tell parents about a pregnancy. My daughter eloped and everyone found out later that day. She and her husband are both introverts and hate attracting attention. But she did tell us she was pregnant
Well, it turns out, everyone who assumed there was info. missing from this story were 100% correct. Because she later shared this update on the situation, and it is intense:
I took everyone's advice and it has been a long week for the family. I gave her a call after a lot of people asked me to reach out again and asked her straight up what she wanted, did she want us out of her life, what is going on and to please be honest. She was quiet for a bit and hung up after saying give her some time. I thought that was the end of it and she would reach out later or never.
Well on Monday she showed up at our house after a 8 hour drive. Sara sat both of us down and told the full story what was going on. She was happy with eloping and just didn't want to spend money on a wedding (we knew this one). For the baby, she was never pregnant.
Her husband cheated on her and got another women pregnant. Sara found out about 2 months before the kid was born. She didn't tell us because Sara knew we would tell her to leave him (100 percent true).
She wanted to fix the marriage and in doing that she kept it a secret so her husband wouldn't get any backlash. She told us the only reason they were able to met Dave was due to biomom dropping the kid off so she could visit her family across the country, there is no custody agreement. It's been a huge mess on there end and the marriage is rough at the moment.
Sara was planning to go to Christmas at our place at the beginning and explain the situation but Dave would be with biomom and husband didn't want the secret out. So when we called her saying we were going to take a step back Sara was very upset. She thought she was losing her family over a secret to protect her husband.
Her husband didn't help since he never had close family so he didn't understand why she was upset. Sara and her husband got in a huge argument about the whole thing ordeal. When I called again she already made up her mind that she will be telling us and going to Christmas at our house. She took time off and drove down and will stay for Christmas.
She doesn't know what she will due with her husband and if she will try to fix it or leave. She did tell us to stay out of it since she wants her decision to 100 percent on her. We will respect that even though we are hoping she leaves him for this stunt.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
This was truly an unexpected update. This guy is a cheater, liar, manipulator, and seems perfectly comfortable having his wife damage her relationship with her family to keep his cheating a secret. Happy the daughter is taking a break to clear her head.
It may be less for her husband and more for her marriage since she wasn't sure she was going to leave him she was likely privacy trying to spare herself some embarrassment as well. When she says "for her husband" I'm thinking more "because of her husband"
Amazing how much a conversation can solve. I'm glad that she was able to be open with you. As a mom, if I were you, and I suspect you have already done this, I would tell her that whatever she needs from you, she can have it. You won't say I told you so if she wants to try with the husband and it fails. You will accept all her choices and you won't judge.
I say that because I'm guessing she's going to need someone to talk to and she is going to want to talk with you. You will offer opinions and be a sounding board if she needs it. She sounds level headed but in a tough situation and knowing that you're going to have her back whether she follows your advice or not will be huge for.
Have a merry Christmas and enjoy one another.