'AITA for having dairy-free and dairy food options at Thanksgiving?' UPDATED
"AITA for having dairy-free and dairy food options at Thanksgiving?"
I hosted Thanksgiving at my home this year. We have several lactose-intolerant family members, one of them being my son’s husband, so I made some recipes using oil or olive oil “butter” over real butter, or using lactaid milk so it would be safe. I made sure to put the dairy-free items apart from anything with regular milk and butter by having a separate small table for those dishes.
My son-in-law ended up feeling very ill and my son brought him to the ER that night. Even though I used safe ingredients he still had a reaction to something unknown in the food. My son rang me up from the hospital asking what was in the dishes at the dairy-safe table. I told him I used oil, vegan butter, and lactaid. He was upset with me because I put milk into the mashed potatoes.
I told him again I put lactaid milk so it would be safe. My son-in-law is recovered and doing well. My son, however, is quite upset with me and claims he cannot trust me to cook food for them again because I “mislabeled” the food. He is claiming he has told me many times about his husband’s dairy allergy, and I agree he has which is why I made separate food.
It is now to the point where the family doesn’t want me to make any dairy-free dishes for Christmas because I am “failing to understand.” Instead they have all agreed my sister-in-law will make some of those dishes while my son and son-in-law will make the rest. I am beside myself because I love to cook for and feed my family.
I feel I am being displaced when what happened on Thanksgiving could have been caused by a reaction to anything.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
pirrouette9 wrote:
INFO: Did your son explain to you that lactose allergy is different from a milk allergy? Dairy allergy is not the same thing as lactose allergy. Lactaid is safe for people who have lactose intolerance, but if you're allergic to milk, lactaid is still going to make you sick because it is milk with the lactose removed.
If he's explained this to you explicitly and you still put milk in the mashed potatoes, YTA. If he just said lactose allergy and did not explain, then NTA.
Of course we have talked about it. My son told me no dairy and provided me a list of foods to avoid and what to replace with, but I've been making lactose alternatives for years for my lactose allergic nephews so I was already aware how to accommodate a milk allergy.
are you really not getting this? lactose intolerance is not the same as a milk allergy. lactaid milk is still milk. it is milk. he is allergic to milk.
as1938 wrote:
YTA - lactaid milk is NOT dairy-free. Your son's husband is ALLERGIC to milk, not lactose intolerant. There is a difference. Now, if your son told you he was only “lactose intolerant” then your son is the AH for not understanding his husband's allergy.
As someone with an actual dairy ALLERGY, not lactose intolerance, I also wouldn’t want you to make any “dairy-free” dishes since you don’t seem to understand lactose-free vs dairy free.
blackmathgic wrote:
YTA dairy ALLERGY is not the same as lactose intolerance. Lactose intolerance isn’t an allergy at all, I’m lactose intolerant and I can chug a glass of milk if I feel like having a bad afternoon, it’s usually associated with digestive issues for those who are intolerant. An allergy is different, it could actually kill or hospitalize you.
Lactose intolerance just means you don’t have (enough of) the enzyme to break down the lactose in dairy (high-fat items like butter are low lactose by nature), dairy allergy means your body thinks dairy is dangerous and has a reaction that can cause up to anaphylaxis (histamine reaction).
Lactose intolerant people can eat butter, have traces of milk, and consume milk with lactaid in it, since all have low to no lactose, dairy allergic people can’t have ANY, no traces, only vegan alternatives like oil-based products.
If your son told you he’s ALLERGIC and you put milk in the dishes, you are a major AH because you risked his husband's health and safety through your ignorance. I have some weird allergies and this sort of thing is why I’m afraid of eating at other people's houses, because they assume they know my allergy better then I do and effectively poison me in the process after I warned them not to.
jonjohn23456 wrote:
YTA, It seems to me that it has been explained to you more than once and you were even given a list of what to avoid and what to substitute and didn't follow it because you thought you knew better than him.
I am lactose intolerant, the worst that happens to me is I'll be spending some more time in the bathroom and everyone else around me is probably going to suffer a little bit too. If he had to go to the hospital that is not lactose intolerance.
Educational-Stop8741 wrote:
YTA. I am allergic to dairy. An allergy is a problem with the dairy PROTEIN, casien. Lactose-free items are for issues with the SUGARS. Those are different things, people with allergies cannot have lactose-free things. People with allergies have to have dairy-free only.
After receiving a lot of criticism, OP jumped on with an update.
EDIT: I understand my mistake now. It was an honest confusion. Of course I have apologized, and will again, to my son-in-law. I'm not sure why anyone doubts that. They do not want me to pay for his epipen or hospital visit.
All they want is for me not to prepare food for my son-in-law any longer, which I understand now. I feel horrible I didn't look up the lactaid but I honestly thought it was safe. No, I didn't try to m*rder my son-in-law.
Clearly, OP is TA here, and it's understandable that her son doesn't want to risk his husband's health during Christmas.