Wife considers leaving husband when he forgets passport for their honeymoon. UPDATED
"My fiancé only realized that he can’t find his passport the night before our honeymoon and now we can’t go."
DollarVanDollarVan
Some context: a family member gifted this trip to us for our wedding. It’s the only “nice” thing we’re doing for the occasion because otherwise we’re going to just go to the city hall and have dinner with family.
After this years’ ongoing strike (you can guess the industry) and a bad financial year before that, I’ve been the sole breadwinner and while he’s been very helpful around the house, it’s starting to breed resentment and fear in me. I’m so nervous that this event will only be gasoline on that fire.
Could you please give me some perspective, Reddit? My fiancé is so kind and we get along so well and I love him dearly, but these lapses in judgement are beginning to grind me down. This was the kind of trip that we’ll never be able to afford on our own, so I’m feeling this hard.
The OP updated on the same post hours later.
"Update 1: The Following Morning"
DollarVanDollarVan
I wrote this post in the middle of the night as we were still looking for the passport. Hope remained that we might find it. We did not. It's the weekend, so there's no chance of getting it until Monday. We called one agency and they said that they no longer do day-of passports after covid, but there's a chance that we might be able to get into the federal office on Monday/Tuesday.
I honestly should have gone alone, but the one detail I left out above is that his aunt and her family were also going to be on this trip and I felt uncomfortable joining them without him.
Will update Reddit on whether or not I end up making it on Tuesday. I'm still really emotional and am perhaps not acting too rationally right now, but I'll let you know whether I end up making it or not. I'm also not going to lie — I've said many, many things that I regret.
The OP returned again in the evening with another update.
"Update 2: Later That Evening"
DollarVanDollarVan
While I spent most of my morning continuing to indulge in self-pity and anger that I was not arriving at an all-inclusive five star resort but instead was waking up to a dimly lit apartment, torn apart from us searching for the passport just hours before, I did manage to eventually turn the day around when a mid-day group therapy session (our first, actually!) really did turn the day around.
After therapy we continued to talk out some of the major themes of this mishap — his lack of preparation, how this ties into how hard it's been that he's not working. By the way, he does actually work/proactively look for work, it's just that he's in a very difficult industry and there's some complexity that I won't get into.
We also talked about how I tend to catastrophize and — as many of you have pointed out — should continue to consider how making marriage work means working with each other's strength and weaknesses.
Also, I want to point out that he has only traveled internationally as an adult once before, so there was a certain amount of ignorance that's forgiveable on his end. Plus, we're both neurodivergent creative types so, this is the type of behavior I need to come to expect and decide if I can put up with.
I think... I can? I just need to be more proactive about helping him in spots where he's weak versus judging him and testing him to see if he'll succeed. Yes, he did apologize and admit to his role in this situation (it's all his fault lol). He keeps assuring me that he'll make it up to me throughout the week.
His aunt emailed and told us that it all worked out in the end — she gave the room to another family member, our flight was refunded, and she assured us that she'll reschedule the trip whenever we're ready.
I am, however, punishing him by forcing him to allow me unlimited reign over the TV. BBC historical miniseries are on the slate for the rest of the weekend! I'm also trying to figure out if I should go back to work later this week or take all these days off. Hmmmmm.....
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
onemillionthTA
My partner didn’t look for his passport till the morning of our honey moon to France. It was 5.30 am. He couldn’t find it- he just had an expired one. To his shock I was pretty calm. I told him to go to the airport with me. They marked us as “arrived” but we weren’t allowed to board. We then went straight to the passport office and stood outside the doors til they opened. Got an emergency passport by 12 noon.
Then we rebooked the flight for the next day (because we turned up at the airport we actually were allowed to transfer with minimal extra costs). So we missed a day of our honey moon.
Edit: We got an “urgent passport” not an emergency passport. At the time this happened they had a rapid access service - they did charge a priority processing fee.
EvenOrchid6345
You should have still gone. Set the expectation that you will not be missing out on good things on account of his irresponsible choices.
lyingtattooist
You should have gone on the trip without him. Maybe he would have learned a lesson about not waiting until the last minute.
ThenIGetAChipwichOK
Go without him and have him go to an emergency passport location so he can join you in a day or two. If he won’t do that, just go without him. There is no reason to torture yourself for his failure to plan.
I’m a disorganized person sometimes but not looking for his passport til the night before shows a serious lack of effort in something that is obviously important to you — that’s definitely concerning.
CreativismUK
I hate to ask but are you sure it’s not deliberate? My mum’s last husband had such terrible luck with passports including losing it while on holiday… once he’d got his hooks in properly he literally shredded his passport in front of her to punish her so they couldn’t go on a cruise she’d planned and paid for.
In the end I went with her instead which is the start of a very long and horrible story. But anyway… under normal circumstances if this happened to someone they’d be frantic, mortified, hugely apologetic for ruining your chance at a lovely trip. Was he those things?
ChilledButter13
This doesn't feel very positive happy ending to me, idk.
Anneisabitch
I’m very uncomfortable about how OOP suddenly decided it was their responsibility to “help” their husband do things. That is not helping. That is enabling. As long as they don’t mind doing it forever, never getting a day off from being a parent to their spouse, and of course outliving them.
Soniq268
Go on your own. ‘Lack of planning on his part does not constitute an emergency on yours’ fits rather well here.
The OP responded after reading all the comments from readers:
DollarVanDollarVan
Thank you to all of you who replied below, I'm far too zonked out to respond to you all, but I appreciate those who gave me some very valuable passport/travel tips, made me feel seen, and/or reminded me that sometimes humans do stupid things. <3