Male nurse says no when 'random coworker' asks him to be her 'man of honor; 'She went nuts. What did I miss?' UPDATED 2X + CONCLUSION
"Coworker asked me to be her man of honor. I said no and she went nuts. What did I miss?"
Just_A_RN
This happen yesterday and I'm still confused. Yesterday was my first day back to work after being off for two weeks. This is kinda important. One of my coworkers had gotten engaged the week before I left. When she announced at work we all did the congratulations and happy for her type of things.
I thought it was over. So when I left for vacation the last I knew no plans had yet been made. Then yesterday when I went back to work my boss K and best friend L said that coworker C was looking for me. I asked what was up and they weren't sure but she was carrying a little gift bag.
A few minutes later C found me and asked how my vacation was. I was telling them about it and she cut me off and said she had a very important question to ask. She handed a little gift bag and asked if I would be her best man of honor for her wedding. I thanked her and told her that typically this would traditionally go to a close female relationship.
She responded that there was nothing traditional about her wedding so it was good. I looked over at L and K who were both trying to keep from laughing. I again thanked her congratulated her and told her that I wasn't interested in being part of her wedding party and that I would be happier being a guest in the audience.
I swear when I said this it was when we watched her entire demeanor changed and a switch flipped. She went off saying that I have to be in her wedding and that she doesn't understand why I would say no.
I told her that we only knew each other for a short time and that I had no interest in trying to plan parties, dinners, and shopping trips. She told me I needed to think about it and she would get back to me later. I told her go for it but my answer will be the same.
She walked away and I looked at K and L and asked what the ever loving fresh creepy hell was that??? K started to laugh and said she didn't know. But saying no like I did might have saved me a lot of headaches in the future. L made the comment that she went straight to bridezilla and this was a look into what she was going to be like.
C came back today however she went with a different approach and handed me a list of what she wants me to do and her vision of how she sees things. I asked her why she gave me this and she said that as her man of honor these were my responsibilities.
I told her again that I was not going to do any of this. She started again that she needs me to do this and "How much fun it was going to be." Then she asked "Haven't you ever wanted to be part of something special?" I told her I was. I was a nurse.
Enter K who could sense that I needed help and told C one of her patients needed her help. I told K that if this keeps up I might need her help. She said she was already watching it and and would intervene if I needed it.
What did I miss??? We aren't that close. She just transferred down to my unit from a different unit six months ago. I had no idea who she was until that point. L is saying that she is close in age to me and she might feel that to be enough of a connection. Did I miss something??? When we are asked are we supposed to automatically gush and jump up and down in excitement? Why is saying No a bad thing?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
mrs-poocasso69
It sounds like she has no one else in her life and you being around her age and nice to her was enough to give you the “honor.” Stay firm and don’t give in. Also from your post history I assume (correct me if I’m wrong) you’re a gay man? Could she be putting a lot of weird stereotypes into play and trying to make you her “gay best friend” & wedding planner?
jockstrappy
There's no way to rationalize crazy. Crazy is crazy.
Over_Smile9733
If it continues, get HR involved. This is not appropriate work behavior. Good you have someone watching your back too. Stay firm.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
Just_A_RN
First of all, I apologize. I never thought this was going to go as crazy as it did. I want all of you to know I read all of your responses and responded to as many as I was able to. Thank you all for your amazing insights and comments. Many that made me laugh. Which I needed. I have been sick and that really helped to cheer me up.
I had to meet with my lawyer today regarding family issues. My neighbor/best friend/coworker L took me. I really felt awful and driving wasn’t a good idea. We were talking about this on the way and we both were asking a lot of the same questions that all you were asking.
The big one was that we were asking about the circumstances of her transfer. She went from Med Surge 4W to the ER. That is a huge change. I have to work tomorrow so we will see what happens. But L and I are going to ask K about the transfer and raise a couple of other concerns. After I got home from the meeting with my lawyer I slept for the rest of the day.
Many of you asked about if C and I hang out outside of work. The answer is no. I really don’t know anything about her. I have helped her a few times with patients and different things. But our relationship is 100% purely work related.
That was why I was so surprised that she asked me to do this. That is why I was so surprised that she asked me about being the Man of Honor. I have a very small friend base and in all honesty I like to keep it that way. I really have no interest in being a part of this. I’m not a wedding person.
After reading so many Bridezilla stories and hearing about over the top weddings they have become a huge turn off to me spending tens of thousands to hundreds of thousands of dollars with insane unrealistic demands that turn people against each other. Why???? I would rather use that money and spend that time planning my next trip or vacation.
Many people said that I was being used as a token or prop in a wedding. Or a gay Best Friend. I never really thought about it. I admit that I’m out and proud. But I’m not going to just pretend to be someone friend just so they can fulfill some kind of fetish they have for wanting to have a gay best friend or some kind of status she feels the need to fulfill.
It takes me a lot to get offended but if this were actually the case then I would really be rather offended. I was not put on the face of the Earth to be someones play toy.
A lot of people have said that maybe she doesn’t have a boyfriend. She does. She has brought him in before. If she has any insecurity I don’t understand it. She is attractive, smart and knows he stuff. So I’m at a loss as to why she is acting like this.
A lot of people say go to HR. I’m starting that process with my boss K. She is completely aware of the situation being with us when all this happen. She has told me that she is watching the situation and will jump in if I need her to. I trust her completely.
While K and HR can control the situation from the hospital they can’t control the situation from a personal level if she were to maybe follow me home or a situation like that. So I think that covers it all. I wish I could say this is over. But most likely there is more to come.
Here were the top rated comments in response to the OP's first update:
SnooWords4839
Your boss needs to look into why she was transferred.
C sounds a bit unhinged.
ScoutBandit
I really hope you can figure out what she thinks she's trying to do and escape the situation unscathed. From the way you said she acted, this may be a thing where one of you has to leave the department you work for. I hope it doesn't come to that.
I don't blame you for not wanting to be around people and their wedding BS. I feel the same way. And it seems like, in America at least, people are getting worse and worse. Best of luck to you, and I can't wait to see your next update.
Three days later, the OP returned with their final update.
Just_A_RN
I keep forgetting to thank my boyfriend. He has been with me on this but more in the background. First when we were laughing about it. But when everything Thursday happen he was there as well.
L was able to get him away from his unit for a little bit for the it will be okay boyfriend hug. He stayed the night with me a couple of nights as well also helping with me being sick. So yeah. I'm very lucky to have such a great support.
This intro is going to be long, but I’m telling you about this for a reason and later in this update it will make sense. I'm hoping this will be done and that this will be the last of this whole situation.
I was born into a family where I was referred to as “An issue that needed to be dealt with” I lived in the shadows of my sister who was the child my parents wanted. They wanted one child which was a girl. That way Dad had his daddy's girl and mom had mommy's little princess.
Then I came along. Keep in mind that I’m 23 so back then my parents had options but chose to not use any of those options. So instead my parents raised my sister and I was raised by a nanny who even to this day is one of the biggest influences in my life and I am so grateful for her.
She helped me with so much. I finally realized that all these years later that by being referred to as “An issue that needed to be dealt with” that they stripped me of my humanity and individuality and self-worth as a person. I think that’s why I have worked so hard to establish myself in my career and in my life. As a way to become a person again and not just be that issue that needed to be dealt with.
This past Thursday things came to a head with the Bridezilla known as C and the truth came out. My best friend L has been sticking close to me when we work together if C was to start something. We weren’t sure if she was going to leave it alone or start up again. I was really hoping that it was done. But she had to try once again.
I’ve been sick and I had a busy morning so I really just wanted a few minutes to go to the bathroom, grab a quick snack and maybe breath??? C came up and had her list and asked if I had a few minutes to talk about the wedding planning.
I looked at her and told her again no that I was not interested in being part of her wedding and that I was not going to help in anyway and she needed to drop the subject and leave me alone. Again she went into the who thing of how I was going to do this and how much fun it was going to be.
Here we go with that line all of you loved the first time. “Why in the ever loving fresh creepy hell is it so important for me to be your Man of Honor? I’m not interested and I’m not doing it.”
It is as exactly as pretty much all of you told me it would be. She was just planning on using me as a token or a play toy. She took all of the fucked up gay stereo types that are out in society and put them into one sentence. “What modern liberal women isn’t going to have a Gay Bestie on her arm for special events?”
I felt everything in my stomach move and a wave of nausea come over me and I felt like I couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough. This pissed L off to no end. L is really kinda like the over protective sister that I wish I would have had and took C off to visit our boss K and laid it all out. Everything that was said.
While I wasn’t in on that conversation L and K filled me in on what was said. K came to check on me and I was still hiding in the bathroom. She knocked on the door and asked if she could come in. I asked her for a bottle of water first.
While I was waiting I realized two things. I realized why I chose to not hang out with her and why didn’t like her. I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t like her just that there was something that gave me the heebeegeebees. But I realized that I didn’t like her because she is a different version of my sister.
While C is educated and employed she doesn’t care about other people and their feelings. She is like my sister in the sense that if she wants something bad enough she will figure out how to get it. The second thing I realized was that she did exactly what my parents did to me.
She completely dehumanized me and reduced me to an entity. Just kinda turned me into a token or a thing for her. I think the word that best describes it is I’m must a play toy. What really gets me is that just like my sister C doesn’t think she did anything wrong and I’m being too sensitive and a delicate snowflake.
The next day an emergency meeting was held at work and C is being suspended pending investigation and a new transfer is being looked into. K made the request for her to be terminated. The Director of Emergency Nursing said this was a last resort but she was going to be looking into options which could be sending her to a new hospital or facility.
This didn't go over well with me. I asked what would happen if she did the exact same thing to someone different? She didn't really give me an answer. But she said she still needs to look into a few things and at this point she is suspended.
Anyway. Here it is. I'm still pretty sick and had to work this weekend. If I can I'll respond. I want to thank everyone for all the amazing support. I am going back to my lawyer to see if he can figure out how to send her a Cease and Desist letter to make sure she doesn't contact me. I'm heading to bed. Have a good night!!!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's second update:
cshoe29
I’m glad to hear that your supervisors heard you and are planning to take measures. IMHO I just don’t think moving her is enough.
Petulantraven
Jesus. This poor guy. I’m glad he had people in his corner because this is awful.
BalvenieH
I can’t imagine this is the first time Claire did something dehumanizing to her patients or colleagues. And who would even want someone in your wedding who doesn’t want to be there?
Roughly a week later, the OP returned.
Just_A_RN
First I apologize for not responding sooner. I have always tried to do what I can to stay engaged with all of you and to respond as often as possible. Truth of the matter is that I hit a brick wall. Between everything with my parents, being sick and then the Bridezilla I just kinda lost all my motivation to keep the conversation going.
But I will say this. I read all of your comments everyone one of them and there are not enough words in any language to say thank you for all the amazing support, feedback and suggestions. I am truly grateful for everything all of you brought to the table.
I went back to my lawyer the other day and told him everything. I told him I only had her name but I did not have her address and since he has resources that I don’t I wanted him to find her and send her a Cease and Desist letter to not contact me. He was looking into this.
The good news. C has been terminated. While I am not able to talk about all of the details, I can say that this goes a lot deeper than what she did to me and after K did some digging it brought out some information that could have put our hospital in a serious position.
When this information was brought out in the open it gave the Director of Emergency Nursing (DEN) no choice but to terminate her and it could put the DEN in a serious position as well.
Honestly it has K, L and myself looking at potentially looking for new jobs if this doesn’t get properly corrected. None of us want to change hospitals, because then we have to start all over with seniority, and benefits. It's a last resort, but it's still something to consider.
I guess I can say that this is closed. At least I hope it is. I need to move on with my life. I doubt that C will be dumb enough to contact me. She is in enough trouble and this would only make it worse.
Again I apologize for not being able to keep up with responding back to all of your comments, but again. I can assure you that I read all of them and value all of them as well. Thank you again for the amazing support!!!