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'WIBTA if I said my co-worker’s brother’s death wasn’t a tragedy due to how preventable it was?' UPDATED

'WIBTA if I said my co-worker’s brother’s death wasn’t a tragedy due to how preventable it was?' UPDATED

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"WIBTA if I said my co-worker’s brother’s death 'wasn’t a tragedy' due to how preventable it was?"

mebeingathrowaway

Last week has been quite a disaster for my co-worker (30F). You can call her Aly, Ali, Allie, etc. but anyway I remember her being confident and content the day we went into work. Her brother Rhett (26M) would end up falling off a roof of his house hours later.

From what I’ve heard, he was conscious at the time of the hit and believed he was okay and that he felt fine so he didn’t call emergency services. Turns out he was really messed up internally and died. When I found out Ally’s brother died, I was in shock and saddened by her loss.

I couldn’t imagine losing a sibling. However when I heard more information, I couldn’t help but think he was reckless. What was he doing on the roof? Why didn’t he just call for emergency services just in case?

If that was me, I would have definitely have done that, especially knowing something like this could put my family throw grief and sorrow if it ended fatally. It was unfortunate that they had to lose him, but when I think of tragedy, he’s just not what I think of. Careless and reckless deaths don’t belong in the same context of “tragedy” as other types of deaths.

Now, I would never ever say this to Aly but I’ve considered venting this to other friends or co-workers but I just don’t know if they would see my point or not. Many of the co-workers especially seem like the type who would disagree with my stance but it only makes me feel it stronger in a sense.

A reason why this would come off as a**@ole-type behavior is that Rhett was a minimum wage worker from lower-class income and he may have just decided to let it go because he was afraid of being in steep medical debt if he went to the hospital.

I do see the point of how class would have an effect on his death but I don’t know if that was really his reasoning. I don’t know him well and I’m not a minimum wage worker. Would just simply venting to someone I knew who knew Aly or Rhett (other than Aly) be out of line or is it okay?

Here were the top rated comments after this initial post:

UncleCeiling

You would honestly be the world's biggest a**$ole. Seriously. Don't gatekeep someone else's grief. Just keep your mouth shut. YTA.

PeacefulWarCat

YTA. There’s absolutely no reason to vent about a situation that doesn’t concern you beyond you trying to put your two cents in. Not every thought needs to be expressed out loud.

savvyjk

YTA. Why would you even have a “stance” on whether or not it’s a tragedy? It’s tragic to his family, therefore it’s a tragedy. Whether you think it was preventable or not. Find something else to spend your mental energies on. For gods sake don’t go gossiping to your coworkers that you think your other coworker’s brother’s death wasn’t tragic enough for you.

TurnipTricky

You’re definitely the asshole and you should never say any of that to anyone but a therapist.

More from OP: 'It’s Thanksgiving, feels so late in the year, and I feel like I’ve hurt so many people this year.'

mebeingathrowaway

Throwaway because while this is a vent, I don’t want the people I’m addressing this to seeing it before I get the chance to apologise personally. Last names won’t be revealed for personal reasons.

I’m supposed to be thankful today and I am. Thankful for everything I have and for every moment that keeps me alive. But I’ve felt like people weren’t truly thankful for me and I know there’s people here who rightfully won’t be thankful of me.

• Emma, you’ve always been there for me and been a tremendous help. I feel like I’ve never done nearly as much for you as you’ve done for me.

• Olivia, I should have talked to you more. I should have listened to what you said and been more open minded to how it would have affected you.

• Laszlo, I was horribly judgmental to you before I even got to know you. It hurts knowing how wrong I was, I even made fun of your name. I think I was truly jealous of your success and knowledge despite you being younger than me, although both of us are in our 20s. I was super petty to you and treated you with so much disrespect that it was appalling.

• Aly, you have always been such a sweet individual. I took your words and judged them for not being within my views, and it was rude. We may see very differently politically but it’s not like your views would ever destroy me or my family.

• Connor, I knew you had more potential. I didn’t tell you and I know it’s distanced us because you never thought I took your line of career kindly. We don’t all have to like the same things.

• Rhett, rest in peace. Your sister loved you a lot and I had no right coming off as elitist even after you died. Low class doesn’t mean you weren’t a good person on the inside.

• Jennifer, wow. So many things I’ve regretted about you. I should have gotten over that feud years ago. My inability to let go of the past has ruined a lot for us. I’ve always wanted to just patch up our friendship but if I can’t, it serves me right. Even if I have to let go in the end, I want to do it knowing I tried my best and wanted to be there for you.

• Cody, we were always too different and some would say we never got along. However you were never a bad person and I know you had nice moments with my friends. We don’t have to see eye to eye but it’s time to stop being enemies. Apologies for the times I went too far.

• Mother, you’ve been there for me since I was born and you’ve always had such pleasant conversations with me. You’re the kindest person I’ve met, sometimes I genuinely think you are too nice, but I always appreciate what you do for me and it makes me sad when I feel I haven’t done enough for you.

• Father, I love you and I’m sorry. I always grew up closer to my mother but I never felt it was okay to shut you out at times. I always adore talking to you and being around your presence. Your hugs have made me a stronger and more loving person.

Honestly writing this has made me feel better but I’ve still just felt so uncertain. I feel like I’ve achieved nothing this year and only made things worse. I never really liked this year but I always feel bad seeing years go by so fast, slipping away with me wondering what I could do in the year while it still lasts. To those celebrating, Happy Thanksgiving.

A little under a year after the OP's orginal post, they again popped up on the Reddit community AITAH, saying that she thought they would be more understanding of her situation.

'UPDATE: WIBTA if I said my co-worker’s brother’s death “wasn’t a tragedy” due to how preventable it was?'

mebeingathrowaway

This was last year and I know I (29F) originally posted on the other AmItheA**hole, but I’ve always found this community nicer and more understanding. Plus I’ve been told about this from other subs besides this type. I do regret some of my behavior after responses I received from other redditors criticizing me.

I talked way out of line and while I did get some harsh responses from the woke community calling me elitist, plus some internet snobs trying to diagnose me, but I still believe that on *my end*, I still messed up as an a**hole.

Aly (31F) did find out some time about why I stand by my beliefs. For reference, her younger brother Rhett (†26M) passed away from head injuries sustained falling off his house roof. He survived the initial fall, thinking he was fine, but died in his home hours later. I said to other co-workers that he shouldn’t have been on his roof because that was reckless.

I stated his death can’t be tragic because he should have called emergency services and that him working minimum wage wasn’t an excuse. I know my behavior is wrong now, I feel guilty since Aly found out because she is a sweet woman and I didn’t want to be her enemy.

She never brought up her family again in front of me which made me feel even worse because she was acting like she “wasn’t allowed” to talk about them in front of me when I never would say that to her. I know she really misses him regardless of how anyone perceives her beliefs and I never want to get in the way of that.

There was a time where I genuinely thought I would lose my job after the way some people took my controversial words of his non-tragic death. I do not have any biases and I love everyone. My faith is an important influence on my daily life and I believe it has brought me here a better person.

I do not know Rhett well and have not met him enough times to have any true opinion on him anyway. I know he and Aly were sweet siblings based on what others said at the time. In November, I profusely apologised to several people, including her and her family, with mixed results.

As of now? Aly has been a lot more annoyed with me and before she used to be nice and not let the small stuff bother her. It’s like she was mad at me before but she didn’t focus on that as much and tried to be nice anyway.

A lot of the reason why she’s gotten less tolerant of me is her new bond with a fellow co-worker Olivia (31F), who has never liked me and always tells everyone how I am so “rude and hard to work with”. I don’t care about Olivia but she’s really affected my life within the year.

There are even some people who dislike me who didn’t yet work for the company during the time Aly’s brother died, so this is unrelated. Aly thankfully has been happier and everyone (including me) really enjoys her.

I still have a wonderful life - I married in January and I am currently 10 weeks pregnant, but I feel like her life has gone up while mine goes down. I know it will all be better and I’ve had a much happier year than last year, but the loneliness of having few who relate to me is a terrible feeling. But it’s a part of life and I will move forward no matter how long it takes.

Here were the top rated comments from readers that remembered the OP's story:

KlownScrewer

Imagine someone you knew died and someone you work with considered somewhat of a friend immediately was “thats not a tragedy” sorry but thay behavior is unforgivable, it’s not even rude it’s just heartless.

LimitlessMegan

And she’s STILL calling it his “non-tragic death” AFTER telling us she now realizes what an AH she was being…

Careless_Welder_4048

I’m confused on this post, we already said YTA.

The OP responded here.

mebeingathrowaway

I know. I have improved.

Molicious26

No, you haven't.

The OP again respoinded.

mebeingathrowaway

It has been a year and I have seen major consequences, both deserved and undeserved.

Molicious26

They all sound pretty deserved to me. You made extremely rude, callous remarks about your coworker's brother's death. A topic that there was absolutely no reason for you to weigh in on to begin with. You're still being an utter jerk and calling his death non-tragic in this post.

Obviously, your parents should have taught you that not every thought in your mind needs to be expressed out loud. Especially the ones like that. And if many people in your office dislike you, I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess you're someone who is rude and doesn't know when just keep certain things to themselves.

If you had actually learned from this experience, you'd just shut up about it and stop playing the victim. You aren't the victim here.Do your future child a favor and learn the phrase 'If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all'. Otherwise, your kid is going to be in for a tough life.

So, what would you say to this OP? Does she reallly get to be the victim here?

Sources: Reddit,Reddit,Reddit
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