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Man asks dad if he can move in with him and new wife, receives list of rules, gets mad.

Man asks dad if he can move in with him and new wife, receives list of rules, gets mad.

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The housing crisis is a major problem globally, with rent prices soaring and wages remaining stagnant, many adults are living with their parents to cut costs. While this can be a great solution for financial woes, it can open up a whole new portal of complex family dynamics.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a young man asked if he's wrong for wanting to give his dad an ultimatum. He wrote:

AITA I (22M) need to move in with my Dad who is remarried. He is allowing me to move in but I have conditions/rules. I want to tell him, either he loves me and gives me a place to stay or not.

I'm 22M and my Dad remarried about 5 years ago, I lived with him until shortly beforehand then I moved in with my Mom. My Dad's wife has a son that is 38, and he needed a place to stay last year, and he declined because he didn't want someone that old living with them. I have had an apartment for the last 3 years with roommates. I was going to the local college but stopped about Dec 2021.

So I've been working a couple of jobs. I have a car and two roommates we shared a 2 bedroom apartment. They both decided to move in with their GFs. So I need a place to stay. Plus I can't afford an apartment plus tuition. Well, I want to get back in school and save up money for a new place. I asked my Dad if I can move in with him. He got back to me last week and said I can move in Labor Day Weekend.

He provided me with the following rules:

I can't have girls in the house, pull up in the driveway, cul-de-sac. No guy friends in the house after 8PM or before 10AM (unless driving me to work or class). I can't drink or use m@rijuana (it's legal in our state).

He can dr*g/alc0hol test me anytime he chooses.

I have to cut the grass, shovel the snow, and complete a weekly grocery store run for his wife.

I must attend class every day I am scheduled.

I have to keep my own car and I can't borrow his or his wife's.

I have a midnight curfew, exception is if I get off work after 11PM, then I have 2 hours to get home. Missing curfew means I can't come home for the evening. Being gone 3 straight days means I have moved out.

I have to attend church with him twice a month.

If his wife asks me to do something I need to do it. If she asks me to do something and it makes me uncomfortable call him, and he will handle it.

In return, he said he will do the following:

Pay for two courses this semester, if I get a B or better he will pay for two more courses next semester.

He will provide me an employee referral at his job so I can get a better position for a second job. The security guards make $22/hr but it's an overnight shift. It's not guaranteed placement, but several people's kids work overnight as security guards, on cleaning crews. Six months of rent-free living. If I move out by January 1, 2024 he will give me $5K towards a new place.

I think my dad should either help or just say no. These rules are absurd. I am an adult. I have two jobs and pay for my own car/insurance. I can legally drink or smoke weed. He said I can have guy friends over, but not women. I have a couple of good friends that are women, and it's weird inviting over some of my guy buddies but not them. His requests are completely controlling.

I think he made these rules so I would say no, and if I said yes, if I break the rules he can kick me out anyway. Should I request that I move in until I find a new place in a few months and these rules are absurd?

The whole situation inspired a lot of comments and questions.

peonyhen wrote:

'I am an adult. I have two jobs and pay for my own car/insurance.' But not rent, apparently.

Yes, some of these rules are a bit daft, but the chores that have been set are fair in lieu of paying rent and a fair contribution to running the household, and they are about the sort of life you Dad and his wife want to lead - they don't want your friends coming over at all hours and all that, they don't want to meet your girlfriend over breakfast.

Moving back home at 22 is more like being in a house sharing arrangement than reverting to being a child in the family home. They're being very clear with you about how they expect that to work, not unlike a lot of shared households. You're not moving 'back' as a child, nor staying as a guest.

Whether you want to live like that with your parents will depend on how much you can't afford to rent somewhere else instead. You can try telling him that he either gives you a place to stay or he doesn't, but you don't get to kick off if he says 'no worries, we'll keep the guest room then.' YTA.

one_night_on_mars wrote:

YTA, I think you're getting a great deal with the free rent an tuition. He has boundaries that he's asking you respect. It's not about him treating you like a child. What you're saying is, if you don't let me do whatever I like them you obviously don't love me. That's really unfair.

rak1882 wrote:

Are some of his rules a little ridiculous? yeah, mostly the ones about visitors and drug testing. He either trusts you to make good decisions or he doesn't. I'm not super crazy about the church thing cuz I don't like that being forced on someone in exchange for housing.

But the others? generally reasonable. Expecting you to go to class and do chores are the house are perfectly reasonable. Even things like you are responsible for your own transportation and curfew can be reasonable. I know it doesn't sound like it- but if they aren't night people you getting home late will be disturbing to anyone else in the household.

Doing what his wife asks unless it makes you uncomfortable is also fair. I do think it's reasonable to negotiable//clarify up front what the rent would be after 6 months and to clarify whether he and wife are responsible for the costs of the weekly grocery run. So ESH I guess cuz there are rules I have issues with but you're 22, your father isn't responsible to house you anymore but is offering to.

youshallneverlearn wrote:

NTA. All the people calling him an AH...ARE YOU FKIN SERIOUS? I mean, I could maybe see the ESH, in a way...but calling him an AH...WHY? Because he's living in a modern society, has a difficult time, and needs help, but doesn't want to follow archaic, and unreasonable rules, that were in effect more than 50 years ago?

Yes, it is perfectly normal for him to lay some rules, as it is indeed his house. And some of them are perfectly logical, for example, the chores, helping his wife, or the car arrangement. But most are absolutely outrageous!

Curfew on a 22-year-old?? When is it, 1950?

Dr*g and alc0hol tests? I've had a long day at work and I want to enjoy a beer and chill. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT?

Going to church with him? So he's literally forcing his religion and beliefs on an adult. AND ALL OF YOU SAY IT'S OK?

About the girls and friends, I kinda get it, but if you are quiet and respectful, I still don't see why it's so bad.

What a lot of people said makes sense, that maybe these rules are so strict on purpose, for you to say no, or not stay long. I get that he wants his own space with wife, and you might be something extra, that will ruin it. But you're his f@#$in son, he should help you, yes with some rules, but without being a dick about it.

'Should I request I am able to move in until I find a new place in a few months and these rules are absurd.'

You should try to make him understand that you can stay there and be respectful, quiet, tidy, hardworking, etc, without the need to follow some of these absurd rules. If he doesn't agree, you either suck it up for a period of time, or don't move there.

efficacious_natural wrote:

It doesn’t matter who the AH is. You’re getting a good deal. Bit of a tip. He’s probably being hard with the rules because he doesn’t want his wife to be upset about not letting her son move in but lets you move in. This way he can justify his decision to her. Something to consider.

While the votes aren't fully unanimous, it's clear a lot of people think OP is TA for expecting free rent and no rules.

Sources: Reddit
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