Humor

<p>Social media is full of garbage, but peppered between the toxicity? Jokes. Good jokes. Bad jokes. Jokes that comedians thought weren&#39;t quite good enough for a paying audience, but funny enough for someone lying in bed on a weekend afternoon. Enjoy 19 of the best tweets of the weekend.</p><p>1.)</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">when I get on stage in a new city I can feel the audience taking the first few moments to take my bowl cut in</p>&mdash; Atsuko Okatsuka (@AtsukoComedy) <a href="https://twitter.com/AtsukoComedy/status/1502349041077829639?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 11, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>2.)</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">What&#39;s on the mind of New York Times readers this morning <a href="https://t.co/SKYRycsq1t">pic.twitter.com/SKYRycsq1t</a></p>&mdash; Will Bunch (@Will_Bunch) <a href="https://twitter.com/Will_Bunch/status/1502640920226848768?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 12, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>3.)</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Grape Nuts are pretty good if you sprinkle a Milky Way on them</p>&mdash; blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) <a href="https://twitter.com/blainecapatch/status/1502722040658214915?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 12, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>4.)</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">so much of society I&#39;ve experienced has focused on teaching me how to get boys to like me when what I really want to know is how to make girls I think are cool want to be in a text chain with me</p>&mdash; maura quint (@behindyourback) <a href="https://twitter.com/behindyourback/status/1290105918122872838?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 3, 2020</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>5.)</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">I just think everyone should have one-time, limited access to a list of anyone whose ever had a crush on you</p>&mdash; amil (@amil) <a href="https://twitter.com/amil/status/1502712543541923845?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 12, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>6.)</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Anton Chekhov used to be my favorite playwright but I will NOT read the next thing that Russian bastard writes</p>&mdash; Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) <a href="https://twitter.com/BillCorbett/status/1502400745236226050?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 11, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>7.)</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Just had a great conversation with my cat. We discussed the following:<br><br>1. Is he a little baby<br>2. He is in fact a little baby<br>3. The fact that he&#39;s very cute<br>4. The origin of how he got to be so cute<br>5. Why he is so little<br>6. Details as to how he&#39;s a good boy</p>&mdash; Michael sucks (@Home_Halfway) <a href="https://twitter.com/Home_Halfway/status/1238494717320577034?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 13, 2020</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>8.)</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">patriotically ripping up a volume of gogol’s short stories, finding out gogol was ukrainian, patriotically taping it back together</p>&mdash; Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) <a href="https://twitter.com/sarahclazarus/status/1502723237528018947?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 12, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>9.)</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">I told my wife she missed a spot while vacuuming, just before it became my permanent job.</p>&mdash; Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) <a href="https://twitter.com/RodLacroix/status/1502398766413979651?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 11, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>10.)</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Thankfully, we get all 162 games of the MLB season. Any less than 162 full games, or 486 hours of baseball per team, just doesn’t feel reasonable.</p>&mdash; Conan O&#39;Brien (@ConanOBrien) <a href="https://twitter.com/ConanOBrien/status/1502452777217318917?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 12, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>11.)</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">My cousin moved to a house with a huge built-in wine rack but she doesn’t drink so I figured out an elegant solution for her <a href="https://t.co/v7pnqocp5G">pic.twitter.com/v7pnqocp5G</a></p>&mdash; Julia Young (@okjulia) <a href="https://twitter.com/okjulia/status/1482550354793451535?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 16, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>12.)</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Lately I can&#39;t fall asleep unless I&#39;m clutching a tissue in my fist! Anxiety? Haha no YOU are.</p>&mdash; Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) <a href="https://twitter.com/ArielDumas/status/1502683224081842176?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 12, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>13.)</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">I&#39;ll accept all cookies but will all cookies accept me?</p>&mdash; Orli Matlow (@HireMeImFunny) <a href="https://twitter.com/HireMeImFunny/status/1502517117157052419?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 12, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>14.)</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Whenever I bring full sugar desserts to a party in LA I feel like I walked in to an AA meeting with a platter of cocaine</p>&mdash; May Wilkerson (@shutupmay) <a href="https://twitter.com/shutupmay/status/1492693658751012867?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 13, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>15.)</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">You after my FAMOUS Buffalo chicken dip. <a href="https://t.co/uybjhzEzXX">https://t.co/uybjhzEzXX</a></p>&mdash; That Bluvband Sound (@Bluvband) <a href="https://twitter.com/Bluvband/status/1502717499346989058?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 12, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>16.)</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">At our funerals, there should be a reading of our five worst tweets.</p>&mdash; Lady Kilmartin: San Francisco, Mar 30-Apr 2 (@anylaurie16) <a href="https://twitter.com/anylaurie16/status/1502688520468512772?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 12, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>17.)</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">The prices at Bob’s Burgers are so reasonable and people do not talk about this enough.</p>&mdash; Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) <a href="https://twitter.com/joshgondelman/status/1502436246827806728?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 12, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>18.)</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">I love the idea that is being suggested by this picture. Like Gordon just pops the top and Batman hops in. <a href="https://t.co/AbQQsyqRDE">pic.twitter.com/AbQQsyqRDE</a></p>&mdash; Funky Dynamite (@sweavart) <a href="https://twitter.com/sweavart/status/1502684774825140231?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 12, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div><p>19.)</p><div class="oembedall-container sec-iframe sec-oembed-iframe"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">“well played” is the m’lady of complimenting comedians</p>&mdash; Myka Fox Ⓜ️ (@MykaFox) <a href="https://twitter.com/MykaFox/status/1502717087093080065?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 12, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script></div><div className="ad-splitter"></div>

The 19 funniest and realest tweets from comedians this weekend.

Mitchell Friedman

Social media is full of garbage, but peppered between the toxicity? Jokes. Good jokes. Bad jokes. Jokes that comedians thought weren&#39;t quite good enough for a paying audience, but funny enough for someone lying in bed on a weekend afternoon. Enjoy 19 of the best tweets of the weekend.1.)when I get on stage in a new city I can feel the audience taking the first few moments to take my bowl cut in&mdash; Atsuko Okatsuka (@AtsukoComedy) March 11, 2022 2.)What&#39;s on the mind of New York Times readers this morning pic.twitter.com/SKYRycsq1t&mdash; Will Bunch (@Will_Bunch) March 12, 2022 3.)Grape Nuts are pretty good if you sprinkle a Milky Way on them&mdash; blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) March 12, 2022 4.)so much of society I&#39;ve experienced has focused on teaching me how to get boys to like me when what I really want to know is how to make girls I think are cool want to be in a text chain with me&mdash; maura quint (@behindyourback) August 3, 2020 5.)I just think everyone should have one-time, limited access to a list of anyone whose ever had a crush on you&mdash; amil (@amil) March 12, 2022 6.)Anton Chekhov used to be my favorite playwright but I will NOT read the next thing that Russian bastard writes&mdash; Bill Corbett (@BillCorbett) March 11, 2022 7.)Just had a great conversation with my cat. We discussed the following:1. Is he a little baby2. He is in fact a little baby3. The fact that he&#39;s very cute4. The origin of how he got to be so cute5. Why he is so little6. Details as to how he&#39;s a good boy&mdash; Michael sucks (@Home_Halfway) March 13, 2020 8.)patriotically ripping up a volume of gogol’s short stories, finding out gogol was ukrainian, patriotically taping it back together&mdash; Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) March 12, 2022 9.)I told my wife she missed a spot while vacuuming, just before it became my permanent job.&mdash; Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 11, 2022 10.)Thankfully, we get all 162 games of the MLB season. Any less than 162 full games, or 486 hours of baseball per team, just doesn’t feel reasonable.&mdash; Conan O&#39;Brien (@ConanOBrien) March 12, 2022 11.)My cousin moved to a house with a huge built-in wine rack but she doesn’t drink so I figured out an elegant solution for her pic.twitter.com/v7pnqocp5G&mdash; Julia Young (@okjulia) January 16, 2022 12.)Lately I can&#39;t fall asleep unless I&#39;m clutching a tissue in my fist! Anxiety? Haha no YOU are.&mdash; Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) March 12, 2022 13.)I&#39;ll accept all cookies but will all cookies accept me?&mdash; Orli Matlow (@HireMeImFunny) March 12, 2022 14.)Whenever I bring full sugar desserts to a party in LA I feel like I walked in to an AA meeting with a platter of cocaine&mdash; May Wilkerson (@shutupmay) February 13, 2022 15.)You after my FAMOUS Buffalo chicken dip. https://t.co/uybjhzEzXX&mdash; That Bluvband Sound (@Bluvband) March 12, 2022 16.)At our funerals, there should be a reading of our five worst tweets.&mdash; Lady Kilmartin: San Francisco, Mar 30-Apr 2 (@anylaurie16) March 12, 2022 17.)The prices at Bob’s Burgers are so reasonable and people do not talk about this enough.&mdash; Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) March 12, 2022 18.)I love the idea that is being suggested by this picture. Like Gordon just pops the top and Batman hops in. pic.twitter.com/AbQQsyqRDE&mdash; Funky Dynamite (@sweavart) March 12, 2022 19.)“well played” is the m’lady of complimenting comedians&mdash; Myka Fox Ⓜ️ (@MykaFox) March 12, 2022 

Social media is full of garbage, but peppered between the toxicity? Jokes. Good jokes. Bad jokes. Jokes that comedians thought weren&#39;t quite good enough for a paying audience, but funny enough for someone lying in bed on a weekend...