When this woman is disappointed in her her mom's behavior, she asks Reddit:
My husband and I have 2 children, “Danny” (10M) and “Clarissa” (6F). For 2 years now, we’ve fostered children.
Our families have been supportive. Last Christmas, we had a long term placement “Whitney” (they were with us 6 months at the time). My husband’s family made sure to get her gifts if they were buying some for our bio children. Mine did the same, all except for my mother.
She got my kids really nice gifts, but for Whitney she got nothing. Whitney was a toddler so she didn’t notice, but it did rub me the wrong way.
I talked with my mom and she said she didn’t think it’d matter as Whitney would be going home soon. I told her in the future, of course gifts for our own kids aren’t expected, but if she buys for one, she has to buy for everyone.
Whitney was reunited with her parents 2 months later. Shortly after we got our next placement “Samantha”. She’s 8 years old. We don’t know how much longer she’ll be with us but it does seem like reunification is on the horizon (exciting for Samantha!).
My mom recently called me asking what “the kids wanted for Christmas”. She worded it just like that, not “what do Danny and Clarissa”, just “the kids”. I mentioned an idea for each child, including Samantha.
She then said “But she’s going home soon, she's not really ours”. I replied yes but she will be with us through the holidays at minimum and she’s old enough to understand that the other kids are receiving gifts and she’s not.
My mom kept arguing and finally I said I won’t accept gifts for Danny and Clarissa. If she shows up with just gifts for them, then they’ll be sent back. My mom told me I’m being spiteful. I said I can’t control her buying gifts for Samantha, but she won’t exclude her.
My kids are not the type to expect gifts. They wouldn’t notice if grandma didn’t get them anything.
Another relative who usually goes all out was having a hard time last year and didn’t get them anything, they didn’t say a word. So I know they won’t even be fazed by this. This also isn’t an issue of money on my mom’s end. She admits she could afford to buy Samantha something.
My husband is backing me up but some of my relatives aren’t. AITA?
THIS. If you can't teat foster children the same as your own when it comes to holiday gifts, then I agree with OP, no gifts at all. These kids have been traumatized enough and don't need to feel more exclusion in their lives. NTA.
And what kills me the most is it won't take much for her mom $$ to put a few things under the tree for this child. A new pair of cute jammies, a pretty beaded bracelet to wear, fun socks, etc.
Just something to let this little person know that she's welcome and cared for. NTA OP - and good on you for taking on your selfless mother. Shame on her!
NAH. You choose to foster, your mother did not. She's not required to treat the foster kids as if they're her grandchildren.
You, however, are a foster parent and have a responsibility to the wellbeing of all your kids - bio and foster. It's fine to put your foot down about the children being treated equally.