Woman tells GF she stays dirty because she wants to be 'washed like a pet.' UPDATED
'AITA for telling my gf the reason she’s always sick is because of her poor hygiene?'
I don’t think I’m in the wrong here but maybe I’m being unreasonable, I don’t know.
I 24F have been with my gf 22F for about 2 years now. She’s wonderful and I love her a lot. On our very first date, something I noticed was that she didn’t seem very concerned with cleanliness. We ended our date by grabbing a snack that she wanted us to bring back to her place.
We got there and she immediately started taking everything out without washing her hands. Maybe I’m just a clean freak, but this surprised me a little.
I brushed it off until she excitedly tried to get me to try some Charcuterie jelly she had. She did this by dipping her finger directly into the jar and holding it out for me to try.
At this point I felt pretty icky about it and jokingly said something like “and get a taste of all that stuff we were touching earlier?” (We were out and about, public transit, etc).
She seemed a little embarrassed but agreed that was a little gross, but still didn’t wash her hands. This was the first day we knew each other.
To this day, I have not witnessed her wash her hands with anything more than water. And even that takes me asking multiple times. She will go about her whole day, use the washroom, etc. without washing her hands.
She loves finding “treasures” when we’re walking around, like abandoned toys, household stuff, clothes, etc even if they are visibly very dirty. She touches everything and anything, doesn’t wash her hands.
She also showers maybe twice a week, doesn’t use soap there either. The ONLY time she washes her hair or uses soap to clean her body is when I literally do it for her, which she says she enjoys.
This wouldn’t bother me so much if it weren’t for a few things: she likes to cook for me, she loves to dip her fingers into jars and drink straight from bottles instead of using silverware and cups, she touches my face a lot, and to be honest, she stinks.
And onto my main point, she is ALWAYS sick.
She tends to be very sensitive and gets very upset if she thinks that I’m implying that she’s gross in any way, so I try to be as gentle as possible when encouraging her to wash herself.
Eventually, I guess I got fed up when she was complaining about being sick again, and said that maybe the reason she keeps getting colds, COVID, etc. is because her hygiene isn’t very good.
She got really quiet, cried a bit, and now she thinks that I think she is disgusting and cries whenever I bring up washing hands or anything like that. She used to just laugh and brush it off but now she seems to be really upset by it. I don’t know what else to do, and I feel like a jerk. But I don’t think I did anything wrong either.
I've asked why she doesn’t want to wash/why she doesn’t like soap and she usually brushes it off with humor, or starts crying. The little information I’ve been able to gather is that her parents were kind of neglectful by not really teaching her about this stuff.
She also used to be bullied for being the “smelly kid” at school, and past partners have called her gross. She claims to not like the soap I have, even though I have several different types (bar, liquid, Castile, unscented baby soap).
She also claims to be a “dirty hippie” or a “raccoon girl” and I think she just considers this like a quirky personality trait.
Yeah well, I FEEL gross when she touches me, shares a bed with me, touches my things, cooks for me. I always change my sheets after she leaves, clean everything, I can usually get away with not eating what she cooks as I’m vegetarian and she usually cooks with meat.
The odd time she cooks something vegetarian I’ll insist on doing the veggie cleaning and chopping and dump it in the pan or whatever for her, so minimal touching on her part.
I know a lot of people don’t wash their hands often, but I’ve always washed mine frequently, and I sanitize my phone every day. I don’t like feeling this way, but the way she reacts makes me feel like I’m overreacting.
“If I knew she was like this on the first date, why did I keep dating her? Why are you monitoring her bathroom and hygiene habits so closely? You’re a creep!” It’s one of those things that sort of builds up over time and you don’t really see how bad it is until you’re deep into it.
I was in a long-term abusive relationship prior to this, and I’m NOT trying to compare this to abuse, but it’s the same idea of a “little” problem snowballing until one day you’re like damn, this is bad.
I knew her hygiene wasn’t 100% right away, but I didn’t know it was literally nonexistent until we started spending prolonged periods of time at each other's places and using the bathroom with each other in the room vs alone with the door closed.
Then I’d see her in the shower just standing there under the water not lathering up, using the toilet then just rinsing her hands with water, etc.
She complains that she doesn’t like the soap I have, but I tell her that I have multiple types of soap so surely, she must be okay with one of them. But no, she just hates using soap, period.
Here were the top rated comments after this initial post:
She will only use soap when you wash her body and her hair for her? That’s a big problem and is unacceptable. At her age, she should know what proper hygiene is.
NTA. Not every breakup is because the other person is a horrible person. Sometimes they're a nice person, but some unchangeable part of them is incompatible with you and the role your partners play in your life.
If I were you, I would break up with her, because I would see this issue as a ticking time bomb. She's not going to change and this isn't going to bother you less with time, but the opposite. I wouldn't want to live with her and I certainly wouldn't want to raise children with her.
You brought it up, you offered to help, and she's not confronting her problem, which means either she's just stubborn (in which case, bye) or there's a deeper issue behind this, which you can't fix on your own without her co-operation.
I'm grossed out just reading about her. On your main question - you’re right, hand washing is a way to prevent spreading illness. She complained about being sick and you made a valid point.
The lack of bathing and the fact that she stinks is disgusting. Does she have a job? I’m sure her coworkers are disgusted by her to. She’s exactly the type of person that makes me not want to eat at pot lucks
One week later, the OP returned with...well... the dirt.
'UPDATE: AITA for telling my gof the reason she's always sick is because of her poor hygiene?'
Thank you for all the comments you guys left on my post, it gave me a lot to think about. It was the slap in the face I needed, I guess. Most of you were really nice about it but the consensus seemed to be that she needs therapy and I’m gross if I stay with her.
And yeah, I feel really gross, and I don’t want to feel that way. It’s interesting that a lot of you suggested she may be autistic or ADHD, because she isn’t either of those as far as she knows, but I am both autistic and have ADHD lol.
I have been in therapy for some time, she has been to therapy on and off since she was a kid. Weird stuff with her parents mostly, they weren’t very good to her.
Anyway, I gave it a lot of thought and I’ve realized that my boundaries basically become non existent in a relationship.
I keep letting things slide that I really don’t want to. I’m allowing myself to be uncomfortable for her sake, and I’ve done this in the past, but I don’t want to do it anymore. So yeah, I decided I’d be very direct with her and we either get on the same page or I’m done.
So I very plainly asked her, why doesn’t she want to wash herself? She cried, sobbed about how gross I think she is, but I asked again. And eventually, she told me that she just likes when I do it for her.
She wants to feel pampered and cared for. And it is DEFINITELY a kinky thing. She wants to be a dirty pet that I can clean up. And she thought that I was into it. That’s it, no other reason.
I never said that I was into it, but I guess I led her to believe otherwise by agreeing to wash her hair and body for her from time to time.
Honestly? I can’t believe that I put up with this for so long. She is a really great girl otherwise but yeah, this is a deal breaker for me. I told her this, and that I didn’t want to have to wash her, and she just absolutely broke down.
Seems to be a deal breaker for her too; she wants someone who will treat her like a pampered pet. So we are done.
Anyway, thanks again guys. I can’t believe this is how it ended up, but I guess I’m happier for it. I will NEVER ignore bad hygiene again.
Here were the top rated comments after this latest update:
I am actually impressed that it was a deal breaker for the girlfriend. I fully expected her to beg OP not to leave, but nope.
‘If you don’t want to keep washing me then you should probably just go’ LMAO.
I feel like it’s sorta weird they blew right past “can we contain this fetish to a specific time and place and bring it down to an occasional intentional roleplay rather than a full blown lifestyle fetish”
Right? Like, the GF would also get upset and cry when she was told she was gross, was that part of it?
My only comment is WTF. Like I don't get how anyone could put up with someone being that gross for 2 years...
'she wants to be a dirty pet that I can clean up
Welp, that’s enough internet for the morning. I’m going to go take a shower now.