Twin refuses to be part of sister's wedding after being denied MOH. New Update 2X
Twins can be very, very different.
One sister was delighted when she found out her twin was getting married. When she herself had gotten married, her twin sister was her Maid of Honor. They had always said that, when it came time for her twin to tie the knot, she would return the kindness. She never imagined that anything would change this and was completely blind sighted when she was told that her soon-to-be-in-laws forbid her from having the honor.
AITA for pulling out of my sister's wedding due to her in-laws?
For background, Stella and I are identical twins, 29F and we will both be 30 when her wedding comes around this fall. I had her as my maid of honor 8 years ago and she promised me that I could be hers when her wedding came around.
I have 2 kids, 6F and 3F. They're the flower girls.
My marriage fell apart just over two years ago, due to a stillbirth and my husband's infidelity. My parents and sister were the only reason I didn't drown from the stress, loneliness, and total abandonment of my spouse. I was a total mess.
I went to therapy, got diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression, quit drinking, and I owe a lot of it to my amazing sister. She's the reason why I kept chasing down my ex for child support when he stopped suddenly paying (he suddenly switched from 'world's best dad' to 'deadbeat dumba**' so quickly that my ex MIL is disgusted with him)
Stella and Jon 35M engaged last year. His parents are paying about 60% of the wedding. Our parents are paying 30% Stella and Jon paying for the rest themselves.
The biggest caveat is that they must be married in Jon's family's church, full mass with communion. The family is on board because this is going to be a very big wedding.
Tonight, Stella had invited me to dinner, as they had finally reserved a date for the church and reception, assuming it was to formally ask me to be her MOH. I was excited since I haven't been in a wedding party aside from my own wedding.
Jon was with her, weird because Stella didn't mention him coming at all in our texts about the dinner. We hugged like usual but Jon didn't. Weirder.
After we got our drinks, they got to it. In a nutshell, Jon expressed the following: 'Despite my best efforts to keep it secret, my parents found out that you're divorced when they asked why your husband wasn't coming.'
'They are no longer comfortable with you as MOH, because it won't look good to the church if my family hears about your divorce. You can be a bridesmaid but can't mention the divorce or your conditions at all during the wedding events.'
I was stunned, and I felt tears in my eyes. Stella started crying too and she tried to spin it in a good way. 'This is way less stressful for you, so it's a good thing! MIL has already approved my BFF as my MOH, so please don't make this any harder.'
I knew that I couldn't possibly stay there through an entire meal. I had to process this new info alone. I didn't speak. I just paid for my wickedly expensive cocktail, and left to order an Uber home.
A few hours ago, I texted Stella that I would not be in her wedding party at all. That was my decision. I wouldn't pull my daughters out, but I would only attend as a guest.
She wouldn't take this as an answer, so I had to temp block her due to her excessive texts and calls. I sent my parents a summary of what happened and promised to call them when I was in better shape tomorrow.
Stella thinks that this is a total overreaction. I don't even want to know what Jon thinks at this point. Please help me. AITA?
Here was the initial response from readers:
Yikes. NTA, be prepared for your sister's in-laws to try to push you out of her life, because its already starting.
NTA. I’m surprised your sister didn’t have your back.
I don’t know how Stella could ever want to marry into a family this judgmental, “conservative”(aka backwards), and horrible without at least being some of it herself.
NTA- I'm appaled that your sister is even going through with this? Like [MIL approved BFF to be MOH] what the actual hell? Good thing you noped out because I have a funny feeling you won't be the only one if MIL is controlling this from behind the scenes.
NTA. Honestly I wouldn’t let the kids be in this wedding either, they don’t need to be subjected to the in laws high and mighty attitude.
The OP returned with an update a few hours later:
Thank you for all the responses. I half expected to be told to just put up with it and be a plain bridesmaid, which while difficult I kinda would have forced myself to just to make Stella happy. I was just so blindsided and I feel like I've been gut-punched, and I do need to be told if I am overreacting in a big way sometimes.
I'm going to fall asleep now while binging Friends. And wonder if my twin has suddenly become an Ursula instead of Phoebe...
A few hours later, a second update arrived:
Wow. I did not expect this to blow up. I can't thank everyone enough for their input.
I have a call scheduled with my parents this afternoon (from what I gathered, they are extremely upset with Stella and Jon at the moment) Depending on how that goes, I will talk to my girls about doing something big and fun instead. The more I think about it, sitting through a mass sounds less and less appealing. I'm not even religious.
And I saw this query in the comments... yes, I had a cocktail with no alcohol. I use the word mocktail but I guess its meaning is still lost to some people. X'D When I asked for a list of 'mocktails' last night, the server was a little condescending about it and said they're still called cocktails if they're not alcoholic.
Here are the final top responses at the end of this uncomfortable saga:
What’s with the “don’t mention your divorce or conditions”? Good Lord! Run fast and run far. Once you get far enough, take one more step just to be sure. I know that this is going to be painful OP, because you are losing your twin but try to be open to her coming back into your life in the future.
I don't understand the 'conditions' part?
I assumed medical/mental conditions - bipolar depressive with a history of alcoholism. There are religious people who don’t believe in mental illness so I assumed that sis’s in-laws were those people.
OP's gonna lose her sister anyway, may as well get it over fast and not pretend for a wedding.
I’d actually say that at this point, it has hardly anything to do with the in-laws at all.
Did the in-laws ban her from being MOH or discussing her past? No. OP’s own twin sister and future BIL did that. In-laws can make demands, but sis and BIL are the ones enabling that and enforcing them.
If I was OP’s sister, this would be a make-or-break situation with future BIL - get your parents under control or there won’t be a wedding at all.
OP’s sister should surely watch out though. This has controlling religious flags all over it.
Two days ago, the OP provided a new update:
Update removed from my AITA comment
Probably got removed because of the content. Posting here for posterity. Once again, f*ck off Keith. This is going to be a brief update. Jon found the post as he lurks on reddit, and shared it with Stella (wish I used the fake name Ursula, since she joked about that detail herself)
Stella-Ursula has officially called off the wedding. When Jon was ranting about the post and how bad the comments were painting him, he said that 'your sister must be off her meds and going manic, you better get her under control.'
But then Stella-Ursula actually came undone on him and began calling out everything that Jon and his family had put her through. Then she took off the ring and chucked it across the living room.
Jon went into a rage, and while he didn't do anything but yell at her. He threatened her in regards to her mobility issues. Stella-Ursula uses a cane to walk. This was what triggered her to text our parents and myself.
By the time our parents made it to the house, Jon was gone and she had packed up her bags and left with them. Her cane was not in the house.
Stella-Ursula wanted to thank you all for the comments calling her out. It shattered the mosaic that Jon built around them, and while we're both still raw and processing the last couple days, I am glad to have my sister again. She was someone else I hardly recognized a few days ago.
As kids, I was more outgoing and she was more reserved, so I felt obliged to go along with her the other night despite how conflicted I felt. But again, Stella-Ursula says thanks for the wake-up call.
And Jon, if you see this: f*ck you. :)
Edit: You know what? F*ck you, Keith.