"Help! Getting married with Risk of losing kids."

Acronyms: BM is bio mom/birth mom/baby mama and FDH is Future Dear Husband

I(35f) have been with my SO(40M) for 4 years. I'm going to admit before hand that we had an affair and he left his wife to be with me. Not a day goes day that we don't regret what we've done. His kids (Son 20 and Daughter 18) haven't met me but they know of me. He personally went to confess to BM and to his kids (who were 16 and 14 at the time).

They were shattered when they found out. They told SO that they will never want me a part of their lives and should be continue to see me, he'll lose them forever. We thought that over time and by only spending time with their dad, their position would soften but they'll still just as angry as before.

I've also personally e-mailed them apologizing to them about the hurt that I've caused and assured them that I would never come between them and their Dad and should they ever be open to the idea of meeting, I'd be open to it. I'm a widow and have a daughter who I've been raising alone for 8 years. He's great with my 14 year old daughter and she adores him.

When he told them about us getting married, they told him should he go through with it, he'll be dead to them and he would only be a "father" to my daughter after the wedding day. He's heart broken by this. We're both convinced that they'll follow suit with their threat as well.

We are supposed to get married at the end of the month but he's starting second guess himself and questioning whether or not he can go through with it. We're at the lost at what to do. I know he doesn't want to lose his kids.

They're in their prime years and he wants to be a part of their lives. I also don't want to come between him and his kids and losing them would probably destroy him. I know what we did was horrible and not a day goes by where we don't think about it.

Commenters shared their thoughts and advice:

lucyinthesky401 said:

That’s a valid feeling they have honestly. Sounds like they have felt this way from the beginning and it’s up to him to choose. If your daughters dad had cheated and broke y’all up, would you be ok with her dad choosing his lover over her? Would that hurt you to know his lover (and her kid) was more important than his child’s feelings?

betteroffnow2016 said:

Why marry? I know this is a strange question, but at a certain age marriage really shouldn’t be the end-all and be-all especially if you don’t plan to have children together. I think he will end up regretting the loss of his kids. And a minimum the wedding date definitely needs to be postponed.

Are you prepared to live forever with the guilt of all he might miss out on? Is he? Given that I think the answer right now is no, I don’t see what the rush is to get married.

And Texastexastexas1 said:

I don't think ya'll should marry. They are giving him another chance to prove they come first and he should take it.

A week later, she shared this update:

FDH asked his kids to go to dinner with him on Tuesday to see where their heads were at. When he came home, he seemed "off" and distant for a few days. I figured he needed some space.

Last night, After my daughter went to bed, we got to talking. FDH told me that he's apologized to them for what they've on thorough and he's willing to do whatever it takes to make amends. His daughter asked him if he's still going to get married to me but he tried keep the topic of them.

Both his kids broke down. His daughter said that he's more than willing to be a dad to my daughter than to her. His son then goes that he's pushing them away from him. They want to trust him, the want to fix their relationship with him but knowing that he comes home to me is what's stopping them from trusting him.

His son feels that they're not close anymore and it's hurting them that they can't come to him anymore. His daughter goes to say these past 4 years have been hell for her. They both feel that he put me and my daughter above them. I can't imagine how that was for him. Hearing that your kids can't trust you because of your partner. I felt terrible. Guess FDH knows their stance and he choose them.

I have to agree with one of the comments to my previous post- " They are giving him another chance to prove they come first and he should take it." and he took it. It was one of the most heart-breaking experience. I know it's noting compared to what BM and the kids felt when he confessed about having an affair. I returned his wedding ring to him and he's looking for a place.

I've been an emotional pile of goo since last night. Today he moved his stuff into the guest bedroom and actively searching for a place. I just wish I could just apologize to Bm and to this kids in person but I know that will never happen.

In the comments, victorita9 said:

What a terrible story all around. But if you're going to leave your spouse and you have children, don't say it's to be with another person. It's the kiss of death in so many parent-child relationships.

And I think ryaptor speaks for all of us:

All I can really say is oof.