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'AITA for telling my husband he can't spend time with the child he had from an affair?' UPDATED

'AITA for telling my husband he can't spend time with the child he had from an affair?' UPDATED


"AITA for telling my husband he can't spend time with his illegitimate child?"

Here's the original post:

I think I already know which way most people here are going to lean. My husband(45) and I (44) have been married for 19 years. We have 5 children together. 7 years ago he had an affair with a woman he met at his workplace( she didn't work there however) and he got her pregnant. He told me the truth about all of this when the woman was about 6 months pregnant.

He also got a paternity test to make sure the baby was his. When he told me this I felt betrayed and destroyed but after marriage counselling and the fact that I still love him, I decided to give him another chance. He's been absolutely amazing since then and has given me no reasons to suspect he's up to his former misbehavior. We are going to celebrate our 20 year anniversary in 2 weeks.

After the woman gave birth to the baby she kept custody of him and my husband has been giving money to support the child. We have rarely heard from the woman since then until last week when she approached my husband at his workplace.

My husband told me that the woman wants him to be in the child's life and be a father figure to him, take him to sports games, play with him, go to school related things etc. I told my husband he has no legal obligation to do that and I didn't want him to. If he did so then he would be spending less time with our children and it would make things in our family and extended family a lot more awkward.

As of now nobody else in our family know about the affair and the illegitimate child except me, my husband and his sister. Also, he has never had a relationship with this child so why start now and add even more responsibility to himself. The incentives I provided him are ones that are beneficial to him and to our family.

He told me that it would be best for the child if he was in his life and tried to be a father figure. I told him I see where he's coming from and it's very commendable(my husband is a very good person) but by doing this he is detracting from the love and attention he will show the family he knows and has been with for a long time. This may also make things awkward between him and our children.

Additionally, someone in our family or someone we know might see him hanging out with the child and that might lead to the revelation of his affair and damage his relationship with my family members and maybe even with his own family. I told him ultimately its his choice but I am firmly against it. AITA?

What do you think? Is she TA? This is what top commenters had to say:

ttrowawway234567 said:

YTA. As soon as you chose to stay with him, you had to of understood this. That child is just as much his child as the children you have together and didn't do anything to not deserve a father. You knew he was having a child with someone else and chose to stick through the marriage. This is part of that. If this is something he himself wants, YTA if you tell him not to or try and stop it.

He is TA for cheating obviously but that was a long time ago and the child doesn't deserve to be punished for that.

[deleted] said:

He sucks for cheating. You suck for wanting him to be a deadbeat absentee dad to keep up your nuclear bull$h1t family appearance. His son doesn't suck and doesn't deserve this treatment. He doesn't deserve to grow up without family so you can keep pretending yours is perfect.

a-punk-is-for-life said:

I'm going with NAH. You're totally entitled to be hurt and upset and not want him to bond with his child, but this IS his child and getting to know him is the right thing to do. He wouldn't be being a father figure to his son, he is his father.

steggie21 said:

ESH. Mostly your husband is the asshole for creating this entire situation, and then doing a sh!tty job of stepping up and accepting responsibility and consequences. I feel bad for the situation you are in but you are being "the asshole" because you are trying to essentially pretend like this did not happen, and an innocent human is the one being hurt the most by all of this.

Your husband cheated and created a person in the process. You basically had two choices at that point accept it and stay with him or accept it and leave him. Pretending like this didn't happen is not an option, because it did happen.

It does affect you, your kids, your extended family, but it also affects this innocent kid who has done nothing wrong. Your husband created this mess, he needs to step up and accept responsibility and consequences for his actions. I am sorry you are going through this sh!tty situation, but if you pretend like it didn't happen and don't allow him to be there for that kid as well then you would be being an asshole.

wanderingdev said:

YTA. Your husband is not a good man, he's a cheater who is too stupid to use protection. The child should not have to suffer because of that. The kid deserves to have a father in his life and you are being selfish by trying to deny him that.

fxelite said:

YTA. That kid deserves to know his father it's not his fault how he came along. Also lol at "hes a very good person". Oh ya? What about him banging another woman and getting her pregnant while married to you says good person? The ONLY reason he even told you about the affair is because he couldn't hide it anymore.

Verdict: YTA/ESH.

She later shared this update:

An update to my post. Firstly, I would like to say that I think quite a lot of people here misunderstood what I was trying to say. I explained in the comments that I never had any intention of actively preventing my husband from spending time with his child. I wouldn't do that. All I did was voice my opinion to him. I even told him that ultimately it's his choice what he does regarding this, I will still love him regardless.

Several hours after I created my post I mentioned in the comments that you have convinced me to be OK with my husband spending time with his son. A lot of these comments weren't just answers but also solid advice on how to proceed with this. Thank you.

A few hours ago I talked to my husband about this. I told him how the comments on my reddit post have changed my opinion on this matter. He of course is now overjoyed that I support him in his effort to establish a relationship with his son. We agreed that after he's forged a good, strong relationship with his child we will then introduce him to the rest of the family and work from there.

A few comments on my post mentioned other women who have also done the same and how they are now happy, that made me hopeful that this situation could have positive effects on our family as well.

In the meantime my husband and I will construct a plan on how he will be spending time with his child and how we will talk to the family once we're ready. Once again I would like to thank you for the helpful comments/advice I received.

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