'I think my BF is cheating on me but doesn't realize it. Am I overthinking this?' UPDATED 3X

"My boyfriend is cheating on me, but doesnt see it."

My bf (25) and I (23) have been together almost five years. He's cheating on me, but doesnt see it. Here's the backstory: This girl is the stereotypical girl that the guy tells you not to worry about. Lets call her Rachel (Fake Names). My Boyfriend, we will call him John, and her have been friends since close to the beginning of our relationship. We were all coworkers at one point, so I knew this girl too.

The first time we had an issue was a few months into our relationship, when she told him she loved him. He turned her down, but they continued their friendship and she moved out of the state.

A few months after that, I went on a roadtrip with my mom, and he decided to take one with his best friend. They stopped near where she was now living, went hiking for the day, and she asked if she could share their hotel room for the night so she didn't have to drive back tired. Mind you, the hotel room had two queen beds.

BFs Friend didn't want to share the bed, and both him and Rachel convinced John that I wouldn't mind if they slept in the same bed. They didn't ask me, I would have said no.

She moved back to the state for the summer after that, and they hung out periodically. A few months later, she asks John to help her move out of state again. She needed help transporting her stuff. This road trip would have entailed a two week car drive, and staring at her now place to help her move in.

John asked me if I would mind if he went, I said I would. I didn't want him to go, and would consider that inappropriate. He got mad, but respected my wish. Things were good and quiet for a while, until she moved back a few months ago.

It started at the gym, she joined the one we go to. John and I work out on different splits, but at the same time in the mornings. She started following his workout split, and joining in when they were close. Then she started flirting and touching him. I had a conversation with him about how uncomfortable that made me, and how I would like him to set boundaries with her.

I didn't want to tell him to cut her off completely, mostly because he thought ultimatums like that were toxic girl behavior. So I let them continue, thinking he would talk to her. The touching and flirting continued and worsened, and I learned later that he had never talked to her about those boundaries.

It went from just at the gym, to hanging out at her house. My family isn't in the picture, and I know he craves the attention and love that comes with a family like hers. So he started going more often, stopped asking me if he could go, stopped even telling me he was going and started lying about it, telling me he was with friends, or picking up food.

I can see his location, so I know when he's over there. I started getting paranoid, and started checking his location every time he didn't respond to a text, or snapchat. He was there. With her. Almost every time.

Today, I went to work, same as usual, but let him know I would be off early. He said he would be home when I got home and we could watch TV and hang out. I messaged him two hours ago that I was heading back. He didn't open the message for an hour, so I checked. He's with her. They went out together. He put her over plans with me.

I don't think they are physically involved from what I can tell and what he has told me, but I can't be sure about that. He's been distant, I've been depressed. He pretended to care and pretended to want to fix things. I can't tell if he's genuine, or he's just staying with me through obligation. Is this cheating? Am I overthinking this?

What do you think? Is this cheating? This is what top commenters had to say:

Unusual_Focus1905 said:

Girl, leave. He knows how you feel, he just doesn't care. He enjoys the attention. He's not going to change. You've already talked to him and he's made it clear that he doesn't care how you feel. I went through something similar recently and I decided that I was not going to put up with being disrespected.

It's like I told my ex and you should tell your boyfriend, if he wants to act like he's single, I'm going to go ahead and let him be single.

ETA: Yes, it's absolutely cheating. It doesn't have to be physical to be cheating. Emotional affairs are a thing and that's what he's doing.

Lost-and-dumbfound said:

It sounds like he upgraded her to girlfriend and made you the side piece without ever telling you. Stop freaking out about whether he will freak out if you bring this up. You deserve better and you know you do. You’re just hanging on because it’s been 5 years and he’s all you know and you’re clinging on to the memories that you have together.

He’s lying to you and completely neglecting your relationship for someone else. Who knows whether they’ve been physical, I wouldn’t put it past them, but he is most definitely disrespecting you and your relationship. Ultimatums suck but sometimes you do have to tell someone to make a decision. If he chooses to stay “friends” with her, you have to leave.

And blasphemicassault said:

The fact he got mad at you for expressing your discomfort speaks volumes. This man has no respect for your relationship. Move on if possible. You deserve much better.

She later shared this first update:

I’m staying on a friends couch for now, all of my stuff is still over there but I couldn’t handle it anymore. I didn’t plan on updating, honestly didn’t even look at the comments until today, this was a way of getting my emotions out. But thank you. You’re right.

I talked with my therapist and my mom. Both of them said the same things. They both pointed out the red flags I didn’t want to see. They both clued me in on the things I let slide without blinking. He’s trying to text me, make up, figure out where I am, etc.

I think he genuinely didn’t mean to hurt me, but he’s also not willing to see it. He loves me, but I don’t think it’s coming from the right place. I think he gave up on building a relationship a long time ago and was just following the steps to keep me there.

Am I ok? No. Will I be? I think so. I’m currently trying to find somewhere to live other than a couch. Rent is expensive and I dont think I can afford it without him, but I’ll figure it out. I have friends on my side. I have people looking for me and making sure I am ok. I am grateful to them. I’ll update when I get the chance. For now, I’m out and I’m safe.

Update #2:

We got together to talk yesterday, just to clear some things up and officially break things off. He saw this post, and told me some details were off, so here’s the details he wanted me to clarify: The road-trip was one week, not two…

That’s it.

Other than that, our conversation consisted of him telling me I never gave him enough attention, I was toxic and I was the problem. He has been joking around with his friends about “loosing the towels (that I bought) in the divorce” like our five years meant nothing.

He also told me that, now that I was out of the picture, he was ready to get his own place, take time to travel, and basically do all the things he wasn’t willing to do with me. Shocking. I listened to him for about an hour, and kept most of my thoughts to myself (he doesn’t deserve to know them, and I’m not going to put the effort into trying to convince him anymore) he did a great job at solidifying my decision.

I feel sorry for the next girl he chooses to neglect and ignore. I hope she leaves sooner than I did, and listens to the red flags I chose to ignore. I hope he changes, and grows, but not with me.

Update #3:

Writing this a few months later. She’s his girlfriend now 🤣 I’m dying. He’s taking her to ALL of the places we went and basically replacing my existence with her. SHOCKING.

But here’s the best part. His neglect and abuse put me in the right place at the right time to find the most amazing, stunning, perfect man. I’m keeping him. Sorry ladies, he’s off the market. We’re moving in together in a few months, he treats me absolutely perfect. Anyone out there stuck in a toxic or abusive relationship thinking they can’t do better, you can. I did.

And I am so happy. If this man asked me to marry him right now, I would honestly say yes. People always told me: ‘with the right person, you just know’, and I never believed them. I know. He’s it. I don’t want or need anyone else. I’m so grateful for him. I’m thankful for the experiences that have led me to him. Everything happens for a reason, I truly believe in that.