'I just found out my BF drunkenly got his female friend's name tattooed on his foot.' UPDATED

"Found out boyfriend (29m) has a secret tattoo of friends name."

Gosh I don’t know what to think about this. My boyfriend Tom (29m) and I (29f) have been together for 3 years. Tom was military and went through a pretty nasty divorce 3 years before we met. Through it, he relied heavily on a close friend Jessica to get through it - who was also going through a divorce. Tom and Jess are very very close.

Tom has admitted he had strong feelings for Jess but things just never worked out, and his friends have said in the past that Jess was clearly into him. Jess and Tom talk regularly, hang out regularly, anything friends would. I have never really had an issue with their relationship. While at first I was cautious because of this history and his admitting to having feelings, they are very respectful.

Jess is delightful, kind, funny, and just great to be around - she is also an absolute stunner. I’m not frumpy by any means and get plenty of attention but around Jess anyone would feel inferior. I enjoy being around Jess and she and I occasionally hang out without Tom. Regardless of their history, Tom and Jess are just friends and I have no reason to think they’re more.

But last night, Tom had just finished a volleyball tournament and had just gotten out the showers. It was sand volleyball and his feet were pretty torn up so he was cleaning them, and I saw the bottom of his foot. I have no idea how I’ve never seen this but he has Jessica’s name tattooed on the bottom of his foot like he’s Woody from toy story or something.

I don’t know why this bothered me but immediately all the blood left my face. I just stood there my mouth agape. Tom noticed and asked what was wrong and I asked him how long he had that tattoo? He laughed, clearly not reading my reaction and asked how I had never noticed it and explained that when he was single and out one night with Jess and a bunch of friends, he was pretty drunk and got it as a joke.

Now this is where I probably made a mistake - I should have left it at that. But I didn’t buy it, so I pressed a little. I think he could tell I was a bit caught up about it because he was a bit sheepish, but he folded pretty quickly.

Apparently he was drunk and in his feelings, and this was in the height of his interest in Jess, he explained that she said something about being jealous cause he was dancing with another girl and he said he’d “always be hers” to which she laughed, he, in his drunken state said “for real, I’d tattoo your name on my foot if I had to” and she said “that would be hott”

And they ditched their friends and went to a shop and he did it that night. He explained he was a bit embarrassed by it at first because when they sobered up it felt a bit thirsty (which omg it is) but since him and Jess find it a funny joke from a tumultuous time in their lives. God, I should not have asked for more details and he should not have shared as much as he did but here we are.

I was legitimately too stunned to talk, he clearly felt bad, we went to bed without talking much more. I woke up to flowers on the bed this morning (he leaves very early to work out) which was sweet but I’m still a bit in my head about this. We’re supposed to go to a concert with Jess and her boyfriend tomorrow but I cannot stop thinking about that tattoo.

I guess when he said they were into each other I did not realize it was that into each other. I don’t really know what to think, I went from not feeling even remotely concerned about Jess to feeling like I would be competing with her forever.

Tom has a bunch of tattoos and the vast majority of them are just impulse tattoos with no meaning, whenever people ask about tattoos he’s like “it just get whatever life is short blah blah blah” but it’s so hard for me to shed the meaning behind this one, even if it is a joke. I honestly don’t know what to think, I could really use some advice on how to process this - am I gonna have to break up with him???

TL;DR- boyfriend has a very close friend he used to be romantically interested in, found out he drunkeningly got her name tattooed on him and now I am feeling very very insecure

Commenters weighed in:

beez8383 said:

I’d be asking- if Jess confessed her love to him tomorrow, what would he do with that information? Has he simply squashed his feelings for her down or has he actually moved on from that…that tattoo is a symbol to him that he belongs to her, does he still feel that way?

gh6st said:

I’m not going to tell you to break up with him or not. But I feel most people would feel very uncomfortable in your situation as well. He and Jess were/are still very close, have admitted strong feelings for each other, have a deep emotional connection and he has her name tattooed on her.

I think it’s just simply human to feel how you’re feeling right now. Did he say why he lied about the circumstances in which he got the tattoo? Because that was definitely weird and is a little concerning. Personally, I’d find it hard to keep from wondering if there’s still feelings on his side, or what would happen if Jess admitted feelings, etc.

I don’t know, this is a tough one. I’d imagine you’re going to have people telling you both sides of the coin. But at the end of the day it’s your choice how to move forward. Good luck, OP.

KindheartednessNo167 said:

Ehhhhh. Two stories down is a post about her man cheating with the friend she wasn't supposed to worry about. Three years together and you never noticed the tattoo? Or did he intentionally hide it from you? He needs to get that covered up. I'm honestly surprised after three years he never covered it up with something else. I would think strongly as to "why?".

Inner_Working9343 said:

The way this would immediately give me the ick. But it’s up to you to be honest about just how comfortable you are with this situation. You are not wrong or a bad person for feeling uncomfortable tbh. Think it through and do what’s best for you.

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OP later shared this update:

The night I made the post, I was actually at my mothers house, as I have dinner with her once a week. There was a really bad storm and I got rained in and stayed there for the night which was bad timing. The next day, Tom and I were supposed to go to a concert with Jess and her boyfriend.

Now a few things that came up in the last post - first I trust Tom and he has said in the past nothing happened between him and Jess, the tattoo doesn’t make me doubt that. My sense from the conversations with Tom, and with friends in the past is that Tom and Jess were mutually into each other but it just never panned out.

Tom has never gave me any indication that he’d leave me for Jess if the opportunity came and I spent some time thinking about it and stand by that. Second, I don’t think Tom was actively hiding the tattoo from me, he seemed surprised I hadn’t noticed it before and I don’t know how I haven’t. But nothing gave me indication that it was a secret I was never meant to see.

Anyways. Friday morning I got home and Tom and I talked before work. I explained to him how I was feeling, that the tattoo surprised me and it made me have feelings that I wasn’t really understanding. He was super apologetic that he had never brought it up explicitly and made it clear he really thought I had noticed before and just didn’t care.

He said he felt silly for assuming that and that he will communicate better. I had every intent of telling him I’d like him to have it removed, but before I could say anything he told me he’d spent all night looking at different places to do tattoo removal, and that he could tell it upset me and he was planning on getting it taken off.

He was showing me a place on his phone and said they’d done some really good removals he felt good about. Some people had suggested that in the first place, and I had done a little reading about tattoo removal and everything said it would be worse than the tattoo itself. So I asked him if it would hurt and he goes “yeah, probably a lot.

The tattoo was shit to be honest but if it’ll make you feel better it’s worth it” he always says the right things. We talked about it a little and it would be multiple sessions and a couple thousand dollars

But the last thing I want is for him to go through the pain cause I’m being silly, so I told him he didn’t need to do that, and he better take me on a nice date for the money he saved (joking of course!!) to make it up to me. We had a nice breakfast together and off to work we went!

As a little extra, at the concert Jess and I scooted off to the bathroom together and to grab more drinks and she and I were talking and she applogized to me for the tattoo. She reaffirmed that she’s very happy with her boyfriend and that her and Tom is long in the past and that she loves him but they are much better off as friends.

She was a little boozy so she got into how much she loves me and Tom together and how happy she sees that I make him. Honestly it was really sweet, and it helped. I didn’t really press but I imagine Thursday night Tom talked it through with her to try and figure out what to do. I think some people might try to make it nefarious but I appreciated that she took the time to reassure me and make me feel better about it.

All in all, I think Tom will probably still get the tattoo removed without telling me about it, but I’m not really worried about it. He makes me feel so important and loved and I don’t want something this minor to get in the way of it for me. I’ve done some regrettable and silly things when I was in a bad place, I’m just lucky enough that it’s not branded on me forever, so I’m doing my best not to hold it against him.

TL;DR: Tom offered to have his tattoo removed before I could ask for it, which made me realize it wasn’t necessary. He made me feel much better, and then Jess also apologized to me, just because. I’m very happy, and I don’t really feel any way about it anymore.