'My BF went out with his friend who he has feelings for. It's 4 AM and he's still not back.' UPDATED

"My (28f) BF (30m) keeps hanging out with a girl he has feelings for."

He said he's been trying to get over her since before he was dating me, and that he thinks that if he keeps trying it'll go away. I told him it doesn't work like that, especially if we've already been dating 10 years, and he was already trying to drop his feelings for her before he met me. I feel like he's lying and he truly just wants to keep his connection to her.

He left to go hang out with her at 9 and it's now almost 4 in the morning for me. He told me it wouldn't come to this, and he wouldn't be out this long. He doesn't have a phone so if I want to message him, i basically have to message her. He also refused to let me come along, even though her and I get along amazingly. She's made it clear she's not interested and already has a gf.

I've started packing my things because he hypothetically asked me what would happen if he didn't come home tonight, before he went out. I don't feel that there's anything left for me here. I made it clear that I don't think what he's doing is good for our relationship but he went anyway.

All he can ever say is that it's not his intention to hurt me. I keep having to remind him that the intent doesn't matter if you knew the outcome would be hurting me. I need some help, support, and an exit plan.

What do you think she should do? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

He still thinks he has a chance with her, but is stringing you along as a backup. If the second she actually wants to go out with him, he will flat out dump you on the spot. You are better leaving because this isn’t a healthy relationship

CrinkleLord said:

You can just ask yourself one question and probably figure out what you should do here. "If the next time they hang out, she professes her love for him, and asks him to sleep with her right now, and be with her from now on.... What do you think he would do?

If you answer that question, and you don't have to answer it here.... You probably have the answer to what you should do next, without second guessing yourself

ifnotnowtellmewhen said:

He’s picked her and waiting for his chance to be with her. You picked him but you are choice #2 to him. Keep packing … 10 years is a freaking long time to still have feelings for someone in the past. You need to make the choice to dump him.

Dusty_Fluff said:

Did you say 10 years? As in you have been dating for 10 YEARS and he still has this thing for her? No ma’am. You are an absolute saint for having the patience to deal with this for as long as you have. You have tried your best, done your due diligence, and if he still doesn’t get it…he needs to get gone.

Why the hell are you packing your things to leave the house that YOU pay for? Avid gamer without a solid income stream enough to pay for internet? Nope. You should be packing HIS things. Pile it up and leave it all in the living room for him to see when he gets home with a nice note on top saying “I can’t force you to stay so now you’re free.

I wish you happiness and to live your best life. Best wishes!” then lock yourself in your bedroom and let him figure it out. Your space is exactly that: yours. He is one who has screwed it up. He is the one to disrespect your feelings and your relationship. And he is the one that needs to figure out where he’s going to go and live.

Stop being his carpet. If you are leaving because you feel guilty he doesn’t have a place to stay…stop. That’s just another concession on your part. If he can’t take care of himself or his life and obligations; that’s entirely on him and he needs to grow up.

Im sorry you have wasted your time on this guy. You honestly sound like a wonderful, caring, and supportive girlfriend. But it’s time to take off the kid gloves and make a stand. You aren’t going to force him to stay but girl you absolutely should force him to leave. Someone better will come along and you absolutely deserve better. Good luck.

OP then shared this update on the situation:

I went to sleep and woke up to him cuddling me, which was very upsetting. Especially after the night I've had. He came home around 5 am. A time he told me was only "hypothetical" and wouldn't really happen. We had a talk where I made it very clear that if this is how he loves me then it's not the love I want anymore.

He didn't want to tell me anything at all and just kept saying "I don't know" to every question I asked him, but if the situation were swapped he would need EVERY detail. Matter of fact, I wouldn't have even been able to go. I packed the bulk of my belongings and have hidden them in easy to grab places. I've got 4 days left in my college course before I take my certification exam.

I'm very glad he stayed out all night, because I've never felt this much love for myself, since before meeting him. He knocked me down so many pegs that I forgot how much I was actually worth and was willingly taking scraps of love. This isn't even the worst that he's done, and we should've been over a long time ago.

Hate that I'm just fully realizing it now, but I'm glad I did at all. It hurts, but not as bad as staying as someone's second choice. He probably won't even remember the conversation as he never does, but I'm done explaining it over and over again. The plan is to stick it out until the end of the week, take my certification exam, pack up all my stuff and leave in the middle of the night.

My sister lives in another city and already has a place for me to stay. Luckily my mother is in town as well and plans on staying until I'm ready. I'm letting him keep his gifts, because once I'm gone he won't have internet until he gets it himself. It's getting turned off and moved to where I'm going.

I will also be taking his cell phone off my contract. I really didn't understand how much I pay for his life, until I started disconnecting and removing everything a piece at a time. I just did it because I love him and wanted him to be taken care of. The time he spent gone last night was everything I needed to get my life together.

He knows the best ways to guilt trip me, especially after going to counseling. I'm not going to keep doing this fight, and I'm the only one actually making progress. I have held him up and backed him up on so many things in his life. I never expected to get to this point. Thank you to everyone who helped talk things out with me! I was so distraught, that I couldn't even think or move.

Definitely made it easier to keep pushing on. Everything is packed but my little library and pc set up. I don't even think he noticed when he came back, and I'm sure he'll be asleep all day. Doing a once over and finishing packing. My mother will be back later to pick up a few things at a time under the premise of, " just wanting to see her daughter". Mom is with the plan and I am LOVING IT. 🤣

For those of you who believe that we could've worked things out, we could have, but that takes the both of us being willing to do that. Not just me. This isn't even everything my guys. I know it may feel like an attack on men to you, but if I told you everything, you wouldn't feel that way.

Trust me, I wanted it to work out too, but he has made it very clear that he would drop me if it meant keeping her, even as just a friend. If for any reason she told him they can't be friends because of me, I would be a hot potato. DROPPED AND ON THE FLOOR, GUTS EVERYWHERE. jk but you get the picture.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day! I feel like I'm finally about to get everything that I've ever wanted and needed, and I hope you do too.