'I just found out my BF of 12 years hooked up with someone else 10 years ago.' UPDATED

"I just found out last night my boyfriend of almost 12 years slept with someone else 10 years ago."

A little back story. My bf (31M) and I (31F) have been together almost 12 years (less than a month away from our anniversary). We met at a bar when we were 19, and dated long distance for 7 years. I finished university and moved in with him 5 years ago. Our relationship has been great. Long distance was hard but we made it work. Neither of us have been quite ready for marriage.

My dad had an affair and blew up our family about the same time I was done school and we were moving in together, and as much as I hate to admit, has given me a lot of commitment issues. That being said, we've been talking about marriage a and staring a family lot lately and it was feeling like we are ready for the next steps in our relationship.

We were watching tv in bed last night, and the characters were talking about cheating and not knowing and wishing if they had found out or not. We have great communication and I asked if he ever worried if I had cheated on him in the past. He squeezed me tight and said no, you love me too much.

As soon as he said that I felt a change. He hugged me again and rolled towards me. I felt his heart racing and I mentioned it. He got super weird after that and I could tell he was stressed. He told me it was because he didn't want to start a fight and lose me over it, and me asking about his heart racing made him more stressed.

When he said lose me over it that really freaked me out. I trusted my gut and kept prying, and after about 45 minutes I told him im pretty convinced something has happened and if he tells me at least we have a chance to fix it.

He finally told me about 10 years ago he was drunk, went home with a girl and they slept together. He cried and said it was the biggest regret of his life. He said he instantly regretted it and didn't stay the night and he was so scared to lose me.

I remember who the girl was and I that they were friendly with eachother and hung out in the same circles. She had just moved to our small town for work but fit in very well. I asked further and he said they were talking a bit, maybe a few weeks, so it wasn't just a random thing that they slept together.

There must have been some intent and attraction prior to the "drunken event". He couldn't remember a lot of details like who initiated and if he deleted texts. He said they didn't talk after that, and she got fired from her job and moved away shortly after that.

I don't know how to feel yet. Im still very numb and have a hard time allowing myself to accept it. I'm trying to give myself some time to process. I don't have a lot of support out here. I don't have a good relationship with my dad, and my mom is in a home due to health issues.

I have a friend who has offered her place for me to stay, but she is away for work for weeks at a time and I dont think I can stay at an empty house alone right now. I'm not ready to go back to my home town and stay there while I figure things out.

Our relationship when that happened is nothing like it is now. We have grown so much and I can truly say he's my best friend. We have two dogs and a cat together, and I have two horses on our farm and have been involved in the family farm. He even bought me my own cow a few years ago so I can have my own cow in the herd. He owns the house we live in.

I know I need time to process. He has reassured me nothing else has ever happened. What worries me most is that he never told me. I had asked about that girl when they were hanging out and he said they were just friends. I don't know why but about 7 years ago I had asked again if anything happened with her.

He reassured me nothing happened, and that interaction always bothered me as he seemed stressed when I asked. I tried to forget it and move on as I thought I was just being crazy. I never expected him to finally tell me they slept together. If he had slept with someone recently, I don't think I would stay. Any advise appreciated, I feel so lost right now.

Any thoughts or advice? This is what top commenters had to say:

Aromatic-Arugula-896 said:

...are you sure you're getting the full story?

Ok-Willow5217 said:

He says you love him too much to cheat, so does that mean he doesn’t love you equally as much since he cheated? That sentence alone is unsettling. He lied For 10 years and took away your chance to make an informed decision out of his own selfishness. If he told you when it happened, you could’ve decided if you would stay or not but now you have so much time and love invested.

He didn’t willingly tell you this either, you had to pry it out of him because he knew you could leave him for it, and that’s why he didn’t tell you when it happened. He’s thinking about himself. It wasn’t one slip up he had if he was talking to her before it happened…

He knew what he was doing. He can say nothing has happened now after he cheated 10 years ago, but now can you really trust his word when he’s proven to be a great liar? You knew something was wrong years ago and he still kept up the lie. Yes it was 10 years ago but he was still an adult and he chose to be selfish and not tell you and then continued to lie about it for 10 years.

Those are just some things to think about as you decide what to do next. If you decide to stay, it’s going to be a lot of work to get through this and the trust is broken so it will take lots of time of rebuilding. If you leave, you can do so peacefully and not have to worry about the what ifs with him ever again.

AtomicBlastCandy said:

Two things! 1.) You asked him 7 years ago and HE LIED! 2.) To me it isn't when he cheated but when he found out. This may be 10 years for him but it is today for you.

I don't know what you should do but this would raise a lot of concerns for me. I want to get some mitigation for the fact that this happened at 21, I did some stupid things at that age.

PropOfRoonilWazlib said:

He's had countless opportunities to tell you. The fact that you specifically asked about her at one point just makes it all even worse. Couples therapy would be my suggestion. Try that to see if you can move past it. Bc it's not just that he cheated. He lied and covered his tracks for years. This is not so straightforward.

Potential_Weather_86 said:

As someone who also comes from a family where infidelity caused a divorce I know I would never be able to forgive this because it will always be in the back of your mind. I think you need to ask yourself if this is something you can work through, if so you need counseling to build the trust back up. It will not be easy.

I think the fact he told you tells you he truly felt guilt from that. If not go to your friends. Even though she’s not there it will give you space to think everything over. And still go see a therapist because this betrayal will bleed into any future relationships. You’re in such a difficult position but at the end of the day do what’s best for you!

DanceRepresentative7 said:

thing that bothers me the most was his confidence that you'd never cheat because "you love him too much" - that seemed like negging to me and what is he even saying? he doesn't love you as much?

And OP responded:

I think him saying that is the reason why it finally came out. I think he regretted his choice of words and that guilt is why it came to surface. I truly think he does love me a lot, now anyways.

Here is a small update from OP in the comments:

I did ask last night what he would do if the roles were reversed. He said he would try to work it out but knows it would be hard and understands if I don't want to. He's offered to stay somewhere else. I told him not to.

I think he's stressed and relieved. He said a weights been lifted off him, but he's stressed about the unknown right now and doesn't want to lose me.

I want to process more and have a good talk again when I'm ready and go from there. I want to know more details but I also don't. Idk how much it changes things. Thank you for the advice.

We'll keep you posted on any further updates!