'My BFF says my fiancé admitted he has feelings for her. He denies it.' UPDATED

"My (F27) Best Friend (F27) Says My Fiancé (M28) Admitted Feelings For Her, He Denies It."

Original post:

So I've been with my fiancé since I was 17, 10 years together. And I've been best friends with my friend since we were 8. Generally they have gotten on fine throughout that time, until a few years ago when my friend picked me up after a few drinks one night (I hadn't known she was buzzed) and we got in a wreck.

We were both fine, but he thinks she's irresponsible so he's been just very formal polite to her since then. When she comes to visit me, he goes into the other room to play video games or something.

Anyways, about two weeks ago she texted me and asked me to get lunch with her (places are open in our area). I met up for her, and she tells me that my fiancé told her that he had feelings for her, and wanted them to be together but she told him no. I was obviously upset, and asked when this happened, where, did he message her, can I see the message, etc.

She immediately got really angry with me, accusing me of not believing her when we've been friends so long. I asked that she at least tell me where/when this happened, even if there is no proof. And she refused, saying if after all this time of friendship I won't believe her, then I'm better off being with a "dirty cheater," and stormed off before the food even got to the table.

I went home to talk to my fiancé about it, really upset of course. He seemed genuinely confused about the accusation (from what I could tell), and asked when she is saying this happened since he's very rarely around her. The only time he ever sees her is if he walks through the living room to get food from the kitchen before going back to his office. And he's never been in the house with her alone.

I admitted she wouldn't tell me because she thinks I should just believe her. Brought up that he could have messaged her it, and he immediately handed me his phone and told me to if looking through it would help, to go ahead. I went through the whole thing and honestly nothing. They're not even friends on any social media. He doesn't have any weird extra texting apps, no contacts that are weird in his phone.

He does have her number in his phone but there's no messages to her or any calls to or from her. He's also been working from home, I do all our shopping/running around so only one of us has to go out (he has asthma so he's really not gone out much the last year). We have security cameras at our place so her dropping by without the the system giving my phone an alert that there was a person is unlikely.

So unless he texted her and immediately deleted it (so she'd have proof I'd assume), he happened to run into her the one or two times he's been out in the last year, or he raced out of his office to proclaim his love to her while i was in the bathroom, I have no clue where this could have happened.

So I'm inclined to believe him, seeing as we've been together for 10 years, I can't think of when this happened, and she won't tell me anything else. Our mutual friends are divided, some saying it's suspect she won't tell me anything, but others saying as her best friend I should believe her because there's no reason for her to lie, whereas my fiancé would have a reason to if he did it.

I don't know who to believe at this point. My friend is still completely shut down on me. I called her trying to talk about it, but she told me not to contact her again unless I believe her, and hung up on me. My fiancé has been completely open about everything.

Part of me is wondering if she's lying because she knows he doesn't like her from what happened a few years ago and is trying to break us up. Then part of me is wondering if he really did text her that and she is telling the truth and being so difficult for no apparent reason. Any advice on how to handle this?

Commenters weighed in:

pacodefan said:

Think about how difficult it must be to be the friend that showed you. I mean, it happens often that doing the right thing can backfire, and it's a tough decision to make to end a friendship.

Ethnafia_125 said:

I get why you feel the way you do. I've been where you are right now. But whatever you do, don't shoot the messenger. Could she have reached out sooner? Yes, of course. But when she realized how serious this situation actually was, she reached out to you.

It must've been one of the hardest things she's ever had to do because she knew that her aground would have a very serious impact on two of her friends and their continuing relationship. Ultimately, she showed you where her loyalty lay. With you and with doing the right thing. By all means, take some time and distance to think about things, but don't go cutting people off just yet.

You are of course hurt by your ex best-friend and her actions. But try not to take that pain out on other friends. Take some time, hang out with your guy, watch some movies. Then, in a few days, reevaluate where things stand.

Middle-Ad5432 said:

I know it doesn’t really matter but I’m so curious what the “accident” is referring to in both posts. Did I miss it in one of the posts? If it’s something you’d rather not get into then by all means withhold that information but I’m curious what caused the initial falling out between her and your bf

OP responded:

I put it in a comment on the other post, but basically she picked me up after having had a few drinks (I didn't know) and swerved off the road and hit a tree, totaling her car. She was arrested, and I was taken to the hospital for just minor cuts and scrapes. Fiancé had to pick me up late at night from the hospital, and he's been upset with her since.

UPDATE:

Well I woke up the morning after the post and hadn’t expected that many responses. I sat and read them all, and it was pretty unanimous that she was lying for some reason, and if she wasn’t lying she was being a crap friend for how she went about this.

Some comments also really made me realize how much shit my fiancé has had to go through because of her presence in my life. So I woke him up and told him I believed him and apologized for letting this drag on like I did. I took the advice of someone and made a group chat minus the now ex-best friend, and sent them the post and just asked that they read it.

Most of them sort of waffled until one said had she not known either of us, it would be obvious who is lying, and they all agreed it was too suspect. One of them called me shortly after, asking me to meet up with her to talk so I did. She is the one closest to ex best friend other than myself.

She basically told me ex best friend has been complaining about my fiancé for like half a year to her. About how he’s still mad, how he must be making me spend less time with her, that I’m going to marry someone that is actively trying to tear us apart as friends.

She was able to show me some texts where ex best friend was saying those sorts of things, and one of her in her maid of honor dress with a text saying “my dress for the funeral of our friendship.” Then leading up to now, where friend was asking her if it was true, and she was snapping at her too through texts to stop questioning her, and it doesn’t matter if she is lying anyway.

Friend said she hadn’t reached out to me prior because she thought after the wedding ex best friend would realize it wasn’t as bad as she thought it was going to be. Then when all this happened she didn’t think that texts were proof enough to show me and nuke our relationship. But the post made her feel bad for not showing me them.

So she gave me some of the screenshots, and I went to ex best friend’s apartment myself to talk to her. She let me in, and I asked her if she had anything to tell me before we went any further. She doubled down that she refuses to give me details, repeating the same stuff.

So I told her I knew she was lying, and had proof she was. Showed her the screenshots I had, which she accused other friend of photoshopping to make her look bad. Once I told her I read them in person off of friend’s phone, she started going on about how everyone is trying to tear up our friendship after the accident and how it isn’t fair on her.

I told her maybe if she’d apologized and tried to make changes in her life instead of insisting for years it’s not her fault and then coming up with this lie, maybe none of that would have happened.

Told her that even had she been telling the truth, the way she chose to tell me and make this some shitty loyalty test instead of her telling me some of the most devastating news of my life, shows she isn’t a good friend to me. I forgave the accident because I cared for her and took it as a mistake, but obviously that care doesn’t go both ways.

Told her not to contact me again, and that I told friend group of everything going on, sent them the screenshots, and they can make their own decisions on who they do and don’t want to spend time with based on the information they have. But I won’t be seeing her again, I will be blocking her on everything, and to not attempt to fix this because it’s unforgivable.

I still feel mentally and emotionally drained from all this, but there’s also a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. As for the wedding, instead of choosing another friend in this group, I asked my fiancé’s little sister to be my maid of honor, and she’s very excited. Fiancé is also relieved he doesn’t have to deal with ex best friend anymore, and says he’s just happy it's all settled.

As for the rest of my friends, the one that showed me the texts I’m not going to stay in contact with her either since she hid all this and only showed me out of guilt. The others I guess I’ll see how it goes.

EDIT:

Maybe in time I can move past it, but right now I can't really look at her. It's not just that she didn't tell me right away. I just feel... uncomfortable. I would spend time with the two of them a lot, and to know there was conversations about my fiancé, the wedding, the relationship, and our friendship going between them like that just... yeah. The maid of honor dress photo I'm literally next to her in the picture.

She knew BF had these feelings so strongly, was my maid of honor, and essentially hated my partner at this point. Then when BF told the whole friend group this situation and they all came at me about not believing her, and having to explain my side and only half of them listened to me.

She was one of the ones that said I should listen to BF. When she knew all the stuff she'd been saying, and essentially confessing to her that it was a lie. She didn't DO anything herself, but she watched it all happen until she felt too guilty. And right now, that just hurts and I'm not sure I want her in my life.

TL;DR She's a selfish crappy friend that tried to tear my relationship apart, and I'm not speaking to her again.