'I want to break things off with my affair partner but I'm scared she'll tell my wife.' UPDATED 3X

"She loves me after 3 weeks. How do I end this?"

I'm married, 33/m. I've been seeing this girl, Emma (20f) for the last 3 weeks. Its been a pretty intense affair and I really like her but I'm not leaving my wife and kids. We've just basically been casually dating and talking a lot, sleeping together a lot, and just having a good time.

She is aware of my attached status. First on Friday night she told me she loves me and she has never felt this way about anyone. And now her texts to me are full of I love you and <3 you and all of that. It can't work if she feels this way about me. I was only looking for something fun and safe and risk-free. I think its a little too risky if she feels this way about me.

Before I get flamed for the cheating, I do have my reasons and this is the first/only time I've cheated. My wife has accused me of cheating for years and I finally reached my breaking point. If I'm going to be accused I may as well do it. I've always had this itch to mess around but I've never had the opportunity until now.

I really think I got it out of my system, so to speak. Honestly, I've thought about divorce briefly but we do have a family with 2.5 kids (one guy on the way) so its not really a realistic option. I think the marriage is fixable and once I end the affair I will focus on making it up to her.

My question now to [the sub] is how can I end this affair? I know I have to because Emma is getting way too attached. I have to be careful in how I end it because she really can screw me over by going to my wife. I also want to be sensitive to her feelings because she is a wonderful person who I do have feelings for.

If I wasn't married who knows? But I am and it can't continue and I know that. I just need some advice on finding a way to put an end to this without risking my marriage.

TL:DR Tried to break up with the girlfriend/mistress and she won't leave me alone. I'm struggling to let go too

Commenters weighed in to share advice:

[deleted] said:

You are a narcissist and a selfish a$$hole. Not ONCE have you mentioned your PREGNANT wife's feelings OR your children's feelings. Only the that YOU would be "sad" if you got divorced. If you can justify an affair because you're wife had "already accused me of it anyway" then you can excuse one again as ignorantly and offhandedly, and you WILL cheat again. Where's your remorse?

Shocking. Tell your wife. She needs to leave your ass sooner rather than later. And there's no way you're gonna be able to avoid Emma telling her in the long run anyway. Karma's a bitch. And she's coming for you.

level85deathknight said:

You risked your marriage as soon as you started this affair. Break it quick and clean. Any other way is going to severely mess up the situation even more. If you really wanted your marriage to work, it would not have to come to you ''making it up to her'' after slipping and landing cock first into a crazy girl.

And [deleted] said:

Introduce her to your wife.

A week later, he shared this update:

I debated posting an update or not since the reception I've had on this sub has been icy, at best. But I've already posted my story here so I may as well keep at it. Yes, I'm cheating so there is that. I understand a lot of people don't support that but just realize its very complicated and I am trying to put an end to this.

I feel like the unluckiest cheater in the world. Everything that can go wrong, has gone wrong. Every cliché has basically happened to me. I just wanted to live a little and have that quick affair and get back to my wife and marriage.

Asked for advice about a week or so ago. I tried to break up with Emma. I told her my wife was getting suspicious and we both deserved better. I told her she was an awesome girl and deserved to have someone all for herself. Her response. I'll wait for you. I love you more than I know possible.... Its not even been a month of us being "together."

I ended things with her and she kept texting me and asking me to talk to her. I met up with her on Friday to have a closure type deal. I'm a horny idiot. I banged her the back of my Jeep. Which sent the wrong, wrong message. I told her we can't do this anymore and didn't talk to her Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon, or Tues. Yesterday she begs me to talk to her so I go to her place.

We end up talking way longer than we should and some things go down. I just wish she would leave me alone. She is clingy and needy and honestly pretty crazy. Not what I signed up for. I'm like dying under the stress and drama. I have a hormonal, pregnant wife and two young kids.

I don't need this shit And the guilt is starting to get at me. I don't know what I am going to do. I honestly do not even want to continue the affair at this point. I'm not sure what my next move is. Just feel like venting right now.

A week later, he shared this second update:

Decided to post an update to this thread since I have made some progress with ending things with Emma and a couple people did request it. Read all the replies and messages last time, but it started to get ugly so I decided to take a step back. My apologies for not responding. Also just a simple request... no more PMs.

Background is I am a married man that had a one month affair that I regret deeply. I am working on ending the affair and ending contact with the woman I cheated on my wife with. I've really struggled with ending things with her. I've tried multiple times to end it since we hooked up and I finally ended things last week.

I haven't responded to any of her messages since then and I have not seen her in person in months. We haven't slept together for a long time

. I am still getting messages from her however.

I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking on how to handle a breakup and most of the advice is not geared towards someone in my situation with an affair. I've been trying a lot of different things to end the relationship and I have come to the conclusion that Emma is just crazy. There is no other explanation.

My main concerns right now is ending the affair and ending any emotions I have towards Emma and making sure my wife never finds out. I've stressed to Emma she cannot talk to my wife ever. I don't think Emma is going to talk to my wife since she has never mentioned it. I've also built my wife up as someone who will take it out on her so I think she is afraid of that coming out.

It is in the back of my mind though if I push her too far, she won't care and will talk. My problem is I'm still getting texts from her. On a daily basis. It is really, truly unbelievable at this point. We weren't even together for that long. Some of the texts are harmless.

Things like, "Hey Noah I was just thinking of you" or "Miss you". Which is okay I suppose. Its just hard because I asked her not to text me and she keeps up with it. I'm either going to get caught by my wife or succumb again.

My reason for posting is yesterday morning (Sunday) she sent me a sultry pic but acted like it was going to someone else. It was her tits with her hands covering them and the text said, "Last nite was super fun, Danny!". My name is not Danny. Either she accidentally sent it to me or it was some weird attempt to make me jealous... which I admit it did a little. I didn't bite and respond though.

I have another post up where someone was telling me I like her attention. Which after thinking about it for a bit I have to agree is true. I like that she wants me. That she is in love with me (or feels like she is rather). I love that if I wanted I could go and sleep with her right now and she would let me. Its addicting. And so wrong.

I know what is important. Its my wife and our family. I know that. And I am trying to forget Emma and what we did. I'm just struggling to detox myself of Emma. And she is making it so difficult for me by continuing contact.

Right now I am just hoping to vent a little and maybe talk this out. My focus is to keep up no contact with Emma. I debated offering to be friends with her but that is incredibly stupid and tempting and I don't think that is a good idea. My other goal is to really get to a point of not caring about her. I'm still hooked on her. Every time I jack off I am thinking about her and I am using her pics to help.

The hardest part is there in sexual outlet for me right now, and I am a very high drive person so its really very alluring to just go and bang her. I don't know how to forget her. And then there is the problem of her suffering from this same thing but seemingly worse. I haven't told her i am thinking about her but she makes it clear to me that she is thinking about me and wants me.

A few weeks later, he shared this third and final update:

I've been posting fairly frequently on [this sub] about this situation and I wanted to post a last update since a lot of people have taken time to read and advise me. What I've decided to do is contrary to 99% of the advice I've received and I still do have some regrets but I sincerely believe this is the best possible approach.

Yes, it is selfish. No other way to put it. I've tried several times to call off the affair and time and time again I haven't been strong enough. Around the last time I posted, I ended up talking to Emma (after a week of no contact) and we fell back into the affair.

I have explained some things to her and I have told her that I can't ever leave my wife and that this can't be long term. And I've promised to stop jerking her around so much and I am going to work on being there for her more. We've been in our relationship 2.0 for about a week now and its been good.

The intimacy is great and we are getting into a more comfortable routine. I am working hard to be better to her. Its been nice. We see each other almost everyday and we talk regularly. Some logistics things need to be worked out but I think we are in a relationship that is mutually beneficial.

I don't want this to go on forever though and I will work on repairing our marriage too. I'm trying to do more to help my wife with our kids and take some pressure off her. This isn't a decision I've made easily and its not even something I am proud of. I just know I'm not strong enough to NOT cheat. Its too easy and too tempting and honestly, too much fun.

I know still that I do love my wife and I do love our family and I don't want a divorce. I've thought what I would to if my wife found out... I've obsessed about what would happen and I think I would beg my wife for a second chance.

I would confess and end this but there are certain reasons why the affair helps me right now (primal reasons) and I don't think my wife would just forgive me if I admitted to cheating. I've actually brought it up subtlety by talking about Arnold and my wife's opinion on him is extremely harsh. So I can't imagine how she would feel about me, her own husband.

I think its very complicated all of this. Its never so simple. I always thought someone should never cheat, they should leave. But its not that easy. There are so many complications. Its not that simple.

Thanks to everyone who has chimed in with comments and advice. I especially appreciate the kind PMs I received in the last couple weeks. And thanks to the harsher comments too. I needed to be blasted a lot and the verbal lashings have helped me with managing my guilt in a way.