'My coworker sent my husband an inflammatory text from my phone. Now he's threatening to leave me.' UPDATED

"An @$$hole coworker [?M] sent my [36F] husband [39M] an inflammatory text during a work even. Now he's threatening leaving me."

There was an after work event this week. A coworker was leaving for another job and we were going out for light food and drinks. I don't drink btw. I didn't give my husband details because he usually doesn't ask nor appear to care that I attend these occasional outings which usually end by 6-7pm.

Here's kind of a text log to get an understanding of what happened.

Husband 6pm: You have that thing tonight right? Need dinner after?

Me: Should be out of there by 8 and fed, no worries about dinner. Times are estimates.

Husband: Ok.

Note the following I didn't see until the train ride home at around 11pm.

Husband 930pm: Hey baby, everything ok? What's your status

Husband 1005pm: All good?

Husband 1030: Hey, give me a ping getting worried.

Me 1033 (sent by @$$hole coworker): Hey buddy, chill the F out. She's in really good hands, I can assure you ;).

I left my phone at the table and @$$hole coworker took it upon his drunk self to send that text. Yup my iPhone 4s is not password protected. I didn't see any of my husbands texts because his notifications had been cleared when @$$hole coworker opened up messages. I saw it as soon as I got in the train and texted him immediately.

Me 1105: Babe, sorry that was not me! See you when I get home.

No response from husband.

When I get home he is in bed, I give him a kiss on the cheek and he doesn't reciprocate. I ask him what's wrong and he says he doesn't want to talk because he's afraid he'd say something he regrets.

The next day he was totally ghosting. He finally approaches me tonight and says that he felt extremely disrespected and is suspicious of my inattention. He said he wasn't keeping tabs on me but making sure I way okay since most of these wrap up by mid evening.

I profusely apologized and tried to diffuse the situation. He wasn't all that receptive. He said he's not sure what to think. He had total trust in me but thinks something nefarious must have been happening for this guy to have my phone and feel bold enough to send that text. Him and I, back and forth, no improvement.

He finally dropped a serious bomb. He says he doesn't know what to think. But he said that if there's any hope of him believing this was as I say (as actually happened) that I can't be in his words "the same room with that f@ck#r". No after work events, if there's a work meeting he wants me to notify HR that there's a personal conflict.

He's heated and said if I can't meet these demands then I can either look for another job or a new husband, my choice. Everything is happening so fast. I know he's over reacting, but he does have his reasons. I have bitched out the @$$hole coworker. Told him off and told him if he touched anything that belongs to me again I'm going straight to the police. What my husband is demanding is not practical.

I guess I'm asking if I should risk waiting this out for cooler heads to prevail. Or meet my husbands demands. Or if there's something I can do otherwise. I am pretty sure he thinks something happened that night. I think if he was assured it is what I say it is he'd move past it, but I can see from his perspective it looks like sh!t.

Tl;dr: Out at a work function, running late. Husband was trying to get ahold of me to no avail. A coworker picked up on this and used my phone to send husband a text that seemed as if I was dissing him at the least, screwing around on him at the most. Need advice on how to proceed.

What do you think she should do? This is what top commenters had to say:

Bens_Dream said:

Yeah no, you don't tell him the event's ending at 8, even roughly, then not get in contact until 3 hours later. I'd be fuming if my SO did that to me.

[deleted] said:

Wait. How did you not think to text your husband sooner? You were supposed to be out by 8, and the event ran much longer -- which happens. But:

1.) Why did you not think to send him a heads up message earlier?

2.) How was your phone, regardless of passwords, more accessible to your co-worker than to you?

3.) Why would this co-worker randomly decide to send this message to your husband, knowing he'd have to see you after the fact?

4.) What the hell happened that made the event run so long?

Sorry if it seems paranoid, but this post seems like it might be an attempt at an alibi. Too many questions spring up from it, and I'd love to see responses.

[deleted] said:

Is there any kind of evidence that can corroborate your side of the story? Something that shows the timeline of the event, when it let out, etc?

Past that, I think agreeing not to attend after-work events for a while and taking reasonable steps to limit contact with this co-worker is a fair agreement. It demonstrates your commitment to your partner and transparency in the relationship.

It shows you understand and respect his feelings, which are understandable based on how the events went down. And, presumably, that commitment should quiet his worries and you can reestablish boundaries at that time.

OP responded:

I think your right. I have no problem never seeing this guy ever again. If that means no after work get togethers which rarely happen anyway then fine by me. I can prob get my supervisor filled in and help limit my contact. Beyond that there's not much I can do except rebuild trust.

kotodrome said:

I hate to be that one jerk but I don't believe your story. You said the message was sent at 10:33, okay so we have that as an absolute fact, you told him you would be back around 8, another fact. But you go on to say that you hadn't checked your phone at all for the several hours you were late and had no idea of the time.

BUT you also claimed that you left your phone on the table after "checking Facebook or something." I don't know about anyone else but I dont believe you could have been on Facebook or whatever without noticing the time.

I maybe, just maybe would have been able to believe you if you were drunk, but the fact that you said you don't drink. I can't believe your story at all, and honestly I'm not surprised your husband doesn't either.

The next day, she shared this update:

I spoke to my boss first thing weds morning and told him what happened. While he was not at the bar he knew about the event. Later in the morning he spoke to @$$hole coworker and didn't hear anything else during the workday.

I also told a friend at work what happened. She was there and can vouch for me being at the bar. Without me asking she decided get @$$hole coworker on a conference line and called my husband and had @$$hole apologize for what he did. I don't know exactly what was said and had no idea this call had been made until I got home later in the evening.

My husband gave me a big hug when I arrived and told me about the call. He said that throughout the day he had already come to the conclusion that it was a sh!t prank by a drunk a$$hole. As someone touched on in the comments, the idea that someone I was cheating with would send that text was so absurd that it must have been a prank.

He said the call was helpful, but warned me he laid into asshole pretty good telling him what turmoil he caused and straight up told the guy to "stay as far away from his wife as professionally possible" or he would make sure his career is impacted.

We talked for hours and he reinforced some expectations going forward. Simple stuff like giving him a heads up if I'm late (he will do the same), pass protecting my phone and generally keeping on guard around people in general.

I think we're about 95% back to normal. This week was kind of a shock and I think we're both a little fatigued from all the drama and plan to spend the entire weekend together. I'm at work and there's no conflict. He's here but no direct apology yet. But the day is young an honestly I don't care to have any contact with this guy in the future.

Sorry I didn't respond more to the original thread but it kind of turned into a sh!t show of picking apart my "alibi". It agree did look odd that I didn't realize the time or didn't look at my phone for 3 hours as some claimed. I did have an idea about the time. I did look at my phone during the evening. But didn't think to check in because during that time I felt like I was always "on my way out".

I dropped my phone in the table at some point before the text and moved to another table to chat up a few coworkers and say goodbye. I got distracted and didn't get to my phone until after the text had been sent. At 8pm I know I should have checked in but it skipped my mind.

Thanks for those who voiced their opinions about not having a cellphone strapped to your body every minute of the day. I am pretty notorious for putting it in my purse and missing half the calls I receive. Also, I think the next time we meet for drinks after work I am going to invite my husband. He is very social and talkative and woukd get along with everyone for sure.

Tl;dr: I think it's all good. Husband has been assured nothing happens and the coworker probably got it into his head what a sh!t thing he did.