'I am dating my husband's affair partner's dad. He wants me to tell her the truth.' + MAJOR UPDATE

"I (49F) am dating my husband's (47M) affair partner's dad (51M). She (24F) doesn't know it yet. What to expect?"

I don't know how to put this. But this is a bizarre situation. I used to be married to my husband Alan before we got divorced 3 years ago because he had an affair with the intern working in his office. Needless to say he made the typical excuses like "I fell out of love" "She makes me feel special" "Our intimate life was boring". What makes it worse is his AP was my daughter's (24F) friend.

So it was overall disgusting from his part. My daughter and son (21M) doesn't have a good relationship with their dads anyways. Especially my daughter having cut his dad off out of her life. I was pretty devastated to say the least. My whole world fell apart. I am still in therapy for some issues.

Onto AP's Father and I: AP's father, Ezra knew about all of this. He once came into my house and apologized for his daughter's behavior and that he has taught her better than this. His wife abandoned him and his daughter when she was little. So, he hoped that AP knows about how much disappointed his father is. For some weird reasons we continued to talk.

Probably because we were both betrayed spouses. He helped me go through with the pain. He eventually asked me out and said he hasn't had loving feelings for anyone since his wife left him. He knows it will make things complicated.

I am also wrong. I was feeling vindictive at that point. In my mind, I kept playing "You can sleep with my husband, I can sleep with your dad". I know it is silly and childish. But after we started dating things have been great. He is a great partner and a lover. I do like Ezra. We have had multiple conversations about this. I had my doubts about it but so far no red flag.

Ezra has expressed that he wants to tell his daughter about this. I am not sure what to expect. How can I tell her that I am sleeping with her dad. My daughter knows and thinks this is hilarious. Also the only reason I am continuing this relationship is because I know the AP will get bored of my husband one day.

Because I heard whispers from outside that he is having troubles with the AP. Like what should I expect from this? How will I handle the AP when she gets to know about me and her dad?

TLDR: I am sleeping with my husband's AP's dad and he wants to tell his daughter about our relationship.

What are your thoughts? How do you think she should handle this? And what should she expect? This is what top commenters had to say:

cruelmalice said:

She lost her right to be angry about it 3 years ago. Full send.

Angel-4077 said:

Why does it matter? Is she still dating your husband , will you become his new mother in law lol? You are both single and I presume you would still avoid her even if you married him so any issues raised will be hIS to sort out.

supersmallnugget said:

You seem like you’re happy after a horrible time in your life. Enjoy it. Most likely, she will react badly. But she didn’t care about what she was doing or your potential to react badly when she slept with your husband. No matter how it started, your relationship with her father is genuine. When he does tell her (stay out of it), focus on your relationship with him vs her. Reaction or feelings about it.

Don’t be afraid to be happy. Best of luck!! (Your daughter sounds like a fun cheerleader!)

And Luthwaller said:

I say if this relationship brings you real happiness, go for it. I think Ezra and his daughter can work things out. Grab joy where you can. But make sure it's for good, love reasons. If you're just being vindictive, then Ezra deserves better than to be used in some payback scheme.

She has since shared this update on the situation—buckle up!

So before going on with the update I want to make one thing clear about my previous post. When I said I will am only continuing this relationship because I heard my ex and AP would break up, I meant that I am glad there would be less drama.

Yes when I started dating Ezra, it was supposed to be a fling but I slowly developed feeling for him. I like him but this situation is complicated. Just imagine me being my ex-husband's step-MIL. It sound weird. That's why I am continuing the relationship.

Ok, now for the update. Yesterday, AP came for lunch at Ezra's house. It was a surprise. I was there. When she saw me she asked what am I doing here. Ezra told her that he has been dating me for couple of months and this is what he wanted to tell her next week. He didn't know it would be too fast.

AP was obviously not happy. She kept saying she doesn't approve it, it is so weird, how can he (Ezra) do this to her? There was screaming from her part and told me to get out. Ezra wanted to calm her down but nothing worked. I wanted to tell her to sit down and talk but she was about to grab me but before that Ezra stopped her.

He also yelled at her that she has the audacity to tell him who he should date when she shamelessly dated a married man, and that too someone who is her friend's father. At least his relationship is inappropriate because we are both same age.

She needs to look at her life and it's poor choices. She lost her friends, she lost respect in the eyes of her family, she almost lost her job because of her affair. She has no say in who he dates when she didn't listen to him about Alan (my ex). If it makes her uncomfortable she needs to deal with it herself. Because my ex and her relationship makes everyone uncomfortable.

Ezra even said she was turning into her mother. A selfish women who abandoned her family. That seems to have triggered AP. She shouted that he must have done something. That is why she left him. She even made comments like my husband left me because I must have done something. Which is odd because while the affair was going on my husband wasn't distant at all.

Or showed any signs of cheating. I got to know that from my daughter. There were few more screaming matches and she left. I honestly felt bad and then it hit me. She maybe carrying her anger towards her mother to her relationship.

She must be under the impression that her mother must have left and cheated because something her father did. I don't know what lies my ex told her but she used that to justify her affair. In her mind she is saving a man from a bad marriage because she wanted to save her mom or dad. I know it sounds complicated but that's what I think. She is carrying trauma into her relationship.

That very night, I sat down with Ezra and told him we need to take a break from out relationship. He said it is not necessary he doesn't want to talk to her anymore. I tried to explain things to him. Her daughter dating my husband has made things complicated enough.

And me dating him would make this thing even twisted. And moreover, the issue seems to be bigger than us. His daughter needs him. She seems to be lost and confused.

I mean her own mother had BPD and substance issues when she was 10 and left home. After 3 years when she came back things were a bit stable. Then again cheated and left when she was 18. I know 18 is an adult but she was still very little when her mom left. She never had that stable home and guidance. She is confused right now. She needs her dad now more than ever.

He needs to focus on his relationship with his daughter first. It took a while but he agreed to at least give it a try. And yeah, I did get a really colorful message from my ex after his AP left. He said it was inappropriate and shit. I pointed out his hypocrisy that he didn't think it was inappropriate to hook up with his daughter's friend or asked for my permission. Why does he think he has a say in my relationship?

That's about it. I am really hurt. I do miss him but we are both adults with kids. We cannot act like children. If something happens, I will let you know. I don't know if reddit will remove my post or not.

EDIT: I think I need to make it clear, I am not officially breaking up with Ezra. We are taking a pause or a break from our relationship. I talked to him today, he said he will try for few weeks, if nothing changes he will go NC regardless of where our relationship goes because he cannot have a toxic man involved in his family anymore.

That is why I wanted to take a break so that he can focus on his daughter now and try one last time to talk some sense into her.