'My daughter knew about my husband's 2-year affair and actively covered for him.' UPDATED

"How do I (49f) move forward after my daughter (22F) hid her father’s affair from me for two years?"

I (49F) was married to my ex-husband, Derek (49M), for 20 years before divorcing a few months ago. We have two kids, a daughter (22F) and a son (17M). I found out Derek was having a two-year affair, and my world was shattered.

But what hurt almost as much was discovering that my daughter had known about it the whole time. She actively hid it from me for two years—lied, covered for him, and never once tried to warn me.

When I found out, I was devastated, not just by my husband’s betrayal, but by my daughter’s choice to keep it from me. She was young at the time, and I understand it was a difficult position for her, but the pain was immense. I never confronted her directly, thinking it might affect her as she was about to go off to college.

I just told her I knew, that I understood, and tried to move on. But after she left, I found myself distancing myself from her more and more. It wasn’t planned; I just needed space to heal, and that meant not calling her as often or reaching out as much.

Fast-forward a year and a half, and I’ve started dating someone (41M) who has a 10-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. Recently, we all went to Disney together, and he posted a family photo of us on social media. For context, my boyfriend covered all the expenses as a gift for his daughter's birthday, wanting to make it special for her.

Along with my son and me, she chose her two cousins to come along, making it a big family-style trip that was all about her. My daughter must have seen it because she didn’t call me for over a month afterward, and honestly, I wasn’t as affected by her absence as I would’ve been before. I still love her, but every interaction brings up that pain.

Out of nowhere, she called me in tears. She was screaming, saying I obviously hadn’t forgiven her and that I’d shut her out on purpose. She accused me of “replacing her” with my boyfriend and his daughter. She kept saying, “It was a long time ago, I was a kid, I didn’t mean to hurt you!”

She said she thought she was doing the right thing by staying quiet, that she didn’t know how to tell me, and that she was terrified of breaking our family apart. She asked me if I’d ever forgive her or if I’d “moved on” for good. I tried to tell her that I loved her and never wanted to replace her, but she just kept pushing that I should “get over it by now” and that I’d abandoned her for this new life.

To top it off, my ex-husband later called me, furious, accusing me of “leaving” my daughter for a “younger man and a new family.” He even had the nerve to call me selfish for “moving on.” (Ironically, his girlfriend is 30, and he’s the one who blew up our family with his affair.)

It’s like no one understands that I’m still trying to recover from years of betrayal, and it feels like I’m expected to just let it go, as if my pain doesn’t matter. My son, who lives with me, found out about his sister hiding the affair after overhearing my husband's mom and sister talking.

He was crushed and hasn’t forgiven her either, and they’ve barely spoken since. I never wanted him to know, but it feels like the entire family is divided now, and I don’t know how to fix it.

I’m in therapy, but I still feel lost. Part of me knows she was young and didn’t know how to handle it, but another part of me feels like she chose him over me. I love my daughter, but every time we talk, that hurt resurfaces. I don’t know if I’m failing as a mother or if I’m protecting myself. I feel like I’ve emotionally checked out, and I don’t know how to reconnect.

Edit: Just to clarify, my divorce actually happened a few months ago, not three years ago as I originally mentioned. My sister, who is a bit of a scatterbrain, encouraged me to post here and typed out much of it for me. In the process, she got the timeline wrong, and I didn’t catch it before posting.

My daughter was 17 when she found out about the affair. She had a lot going on at the time, including having to change schools due to some personal issues and repeating a year. So, when I found out, it was less than two years ago. I hope this clears up the confusion.

What do you think she should do? This is what top commenters had to say:

FIRE_flying said:

Continue therapy, and maybe joint therapy with your children, as it seems both your son and daughter are still affected significantly by the situation. There is no easy way out of this.

Food_kdrama said:

The issue with your daughter cannot be solved with the help of the internet. It's very complicated. It might be that she feels guilty and is not able to forgive herself and is projecting on you. Get into family councilling together, that might help

aLunaticIsOnTheGrass said:

You should def cut all contact with your ex unless it’s about your minor child. Keep all communication via text so you don’t have to hear his bs. That he thinks he can call and berate you is unbelievable, next time don’t pick up or just hung up.

Maybe you and your daughter could get therapy together to try and sort things out. I understand she was a kid trying to keep the family together but your feelings are totally valid. I can’t imagine how hurtful it must’ve been knowing she hid it for so long.

Dirty_little_secret7 said:

The person who needs to take responsibility here is your cheating ex husband. What is her relationship like with him? Yes she was young. Technically an adult but still naive to how sh!tty the world can be especially when the sh!tty behavior comes from your own father.

But she also needs to understand that your feelings matter and that this kind of hurt may take time to heal. I’m so sorry you’re in the position. Stick with the therapy. Hopefully it will help.

MadPanda2023 said:

Therapy is the best thing you can do right now. A family therapist would be great. Also, cut off contact with your ex. You can use special apps for communication while co-parenting.

SusieC0161 said:

This is ALL your ex’s fault. Your poor daughter being put in this position. My guess is that she’s been feeling very sensitive about this, understands she did wrong by you but was put in this position by her own father, and has noticed your shift in attitude. She took your Disney post as a direct attack.

Maybe her father put the idea in her head. I think you and her need to meet up and discuss this in more depth. If you want to keep her in your life, which it sounds like you do, you need to find a way of putting this behind her. And block the ex. How dare he insert himself in you relationship; he’s the one that ruined it.

Ten days later, she shared this update:

First, I want to thank everyone who responded to my post. I was honestly overwhelmed by the sheer number of replies. I tried my best to read through as many as I could, and some of the advice was hard to hear, but necessary. It’s been a lot to take in, but one comment really stayed with me.

Someone mentioned how fragile life is and how little time we really have with the people we love. That struck me deeply. I’ve been so consumed by pain and anger that I forgot to think about what I’d want my relationship with my daughter to look like in the long run. If something were to happen tomorrow, would I be okay with leaving things as they are?

That thought stayed with me, and within a few days, I decided to contact my daughter. I told her I wanted us to talk, not to rehash the past or point fingers, but to figure out how we could move forward. She was hesitant at first, which I completely understand.

We had the conversation a few nights ago, and while it wasn’t easy, I’m grateful she was willing to open up. There were tense moments, and I won’t lie—it was hard to hear some of what she said. But for the first time in a long while, I felt like we were finally addressing what had been festering between us.

We talked about what had happened, and I finally asked her for the truth about everything. When I first discovered her father’s affair, he told me that she had always known about it. In fact, he claimed she had been his ally, hiding things from me multiple times.

He even said that she disliked me and was on his side. Hearing that from him was devastating. I couldn’t believe my daughter would do something like that or feel that way about me. The way I found out about the affair was awful, and the idea that my daughter had played any part in it, even unknowingly, made it so much worse.

At first, she was very reluctant to talk about it, but eventually, she opened up and started sharing everything, including what led up to her actions. A few months before discovering the affair, she had been involved in a difficult situation at her high school. Without going into specifics, it was a matter where her actions led to serious consequences.

The school had a zero-tolerance policy, and as a result, she was expelled. She had to transfer to a new school and repeat the year. On top of that, her grades took a hit, and she was finding it challenging to get back on track.

When it happened, I felt it was important for her to face the full weight of her actions and take responsibility for what she had done. I grounded her and took away her electronics, hoping the consequences would help her reflect and grow. I wanted her to understand the gravity of the situation and emerge from it as a better person.

Her father, however, completely disagreed with my approach. He felt I was being too harsh, insisting that she had already learned her lesson and needed support rather than punishment.

The tension in our household became unbearable. Between my frustration with him and my disappointment in her actions, I found it harder and harder to communicate properly with her. There were constant fights, arguments that seemed to erupt over everything and nothing at the same time.

It wasn’t just them; therapy over the past year helped me realize that I played a part too. My hurt and frustration often came out as anger, and instead of addressing things calmly, I let my emotions take control. I was constantly angry and frustrated, and my mood probably created an even more tense and uncomfortable environment for everyone.

So, when she found out about his affair shortly after, she was angry at me and still reeling from everything that had happened. She admitted that part of her decision to stay quiet was fueled by a desire to get back at me. She felt like keeping the secret was her way of taking revenge, though she now realizes how wrong that was.

She also told me she had tried to get her father to come clean, but he discouraged her from doing so, telling her that I had already been disappointed enough by her situation and that she shouldn’t make things worse. Feeling trapped, she lied and kept lying, hoping it would somehow blow over without me finding out.

Hearing this from her was heartbreaking. It didn’t justify what she did, but it helped me understand her perspective. Knowing her father pressured her to keep his secret makes my anger toward him even stronger. He broke everything with his affair and then used our daughter to cover for him, making her feel trapped and responsible for his lies.

I hate what he put her through. To be honest, our marriage was already going through a rough patch at the time, and we likely would’ve ended up divorcing anyway. However, it’s one thing to fail as a husband, but to fail so completely as a parent is unforgivable. They always had a good relationship, and I never wanted to ruin that for her, even when I was angry. But seeing how he used her in his lies has only deepened my resentment.

I told her that I’ve been hurt, not just by her actions, but by how deeply they shook my trust in her. At the same time, I reminded her that I love her, and I always will. I said that while I can’t change the past, I want to rebuild our relationship.

We agreed to take things one step at a time. I suggested we try online therapy together, and while she was hesitant at first, she agreed. She’s already been seeing a therapist on her own and wasn’t sure about opening up in a joint session, but I think she ultimately realized how much I want to make this work.

I also brought up her brother. They’ve never had the closest relationship, he’s always been more of a reserved, independent person, while she’s more outgoing and emotional. There’s been tension between them in the past, and ever since he overheard what happened with her hiding the affair, they’ve barely spoken.

I’ve tried to talk to him about maybe giving her another chance, even when I wasn’t on the best of terms with her. I really want them to have a good relationship, but I also don’t want to push him too much. He’s his own person, and I don’t want him to feel like I’m trying to force him into something he isn’t ready for or doesn’t want to do.

He’s allowed to make his own decisions, and if they need time apart to heal, I’ll respect that. Someone mentioned the unrealistic standards we often hold women to, and I’ve been thinking a lot about that. I don’t hold her to any impossible standard just because she’s a woman.

She is the light of my life, but sometimes, I realize I’ve shared everything in such a negative way because of how it all played out. I’m just trying to make sense of it all. I don’t know exactly where I stand or what I’m feeling at times. I’m just moving through life like anyone else, doing the best I can.

Thank you all again for your advice and for giving me the push I needed to start this conversation. It’s not easy, but I’m hopeful we’ll get through this, one step at a time.